The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is it that I know I am powerless--I get that--over my a's drinking and drugging, and yet I still get upset when things aren't going the way I think they should be going.
This week hasn't been a bad week, necessarily. My a has been "off" not using I think, but something just isn't right. (I say not using because he is normally extra grouchy and nasty, which he hasn't been, but he's been kind of depressed.) I have been paranoid all week. I hate this feeling. I know I can't change anything--it doesn't matter how great I think my husband is, if he doesn't feel that way about himself. I can't stop him from turning to his drug of choice during these times even if he knows the outcome of using. I can't stop the disease.
Today was payday. I find myself scared to find out what my husband did with his paycheck. Since he is feeling down I assume the worst is going to happen. We are very financially bad off right now, but if he came home and said I spent my paycheck on something big and he had a receipt for it--I wouldn't care I would just be so happy it wasn't spent of drugs or alcohol.
I love my husband, but I want off this roller coaster--but I know I am the one that puts myself here. I believe in an HP whom I choose to call God, so why do I worry so much? Shouldn't I just be calm and know that He will handle everything? Will I ever learn? Does it really get easier?
Many of us find ourselves on that rollercoaster. You are not alone. In Alanon we find a way to focus on ourselves so that we aren't absorbed by the alcoholic. Detachment comes with boundaries I am told. I find that I have to do something small each day to keep myself out of my A's struggles. Alcohol is their addiction and they are our addiction. Reading the 12 steps helps me alot. It is a process.
My husband could walk in the door right now and tell me he spent his whole paycheck on Gummi Bears and I would be thrilled. (Did I mention the power and the water will be turned off Monday if he did that?) Anyway, it's really sad tht I would be thrilled with a garbage bag full of candy and an incredible dental bill just to feel the peace that he did not spend his paycheck with the dopeman. He is a truck driver and wasa due home this afternoon. It is now after 8:00pm and he isn't home yet. Our cell phones were disconnected yesterday so I can't even call him. I don't know if his truck broke down, he wrecked, couldn't get unloaded on time or came home on time, picked his paycheck up and went to the local meth house or crack house. I am sitting here trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter what he is doing except for the fact that our bills are due, I am out of cigarettes, worried about his health and his using effects us. I know how you feel though.
Sorry, started this trying to be humorous and supportive and now I am anxious, edgy and irritable.
(((hudsond)))) i know that feeling of anxiety and that oh so fun rollercoaster very well, I used to get it every wed and friday, my A's big drinking days. All I can tell you is that it does get better. It took me awhile to really get that step one down. I am powerless over his addiction, yes, I knew that in my head, but what a relief when i knew it in my heart. I couldn't control or cure my A. And, for me, my anxiety was one of feelings that came out when i was trying to control the situation.
I have to say that working this program has been the best thing I've ever done for myself. Whether my A was drinking or not, I knew that I'll be ok, because I have the tools and comfort of alanon to help me thru. You are not alone. Keep coming back
