The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi everyone im asking anyone to respond if they want to about their stories about leaving the a in their life and how they are better for it. i need to hear the hope that if i choose to ask him to leave i will know im doing what's right. i want to hear what i do have to look forward to. because i know if i stay there is not much to look forward to but another disaster. i guess i really want to feel that this is the right thing to do.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
When I decided that leaving my husband was an option, I asked my sponsor for help. SHe guided me to write it down, putting both the pros and cons for stayin, and the pros and cons for leaving.
This helped me to identify the reasons I was leaving, and taking an objective (rather than emotional) look at my motivations.
Before I made the decision, I also had to prepare myself for the actual act of asking him to leave. I had to talk this out with my sponsor, and gain direction from my HP. I needed to make sure my kids weren't around, and be prepared for the nasty alcoholic backlash that can happen when they are confronted with this kind of situaion.
The first few weeks was an emotional mess for me. My intention of asking him to leave the marraige was an ultimatum. I gave him 6 months to get sober, or I was going to seek divorce. I had to constantly remind myself that this separation was an investment into MY serenity. I had to teach myself to feel okay, even tho the man I loved was suffering imeasurably.
I had to always remind myself that I seperated from him for ME...I needed to get the insanity away from me, and the only way to do that was to ask him to leave.
I had to always remember not to call him, to wait until he called me. I had to be prepared for him to fall away from me totally, because I HAD to let him go. I had to be prepared to raise our children without him, and be prepared to never have a reprieve.
I had to prepare myself for the drunken rages via telephone I would get, the emotional games the disease would try to play.
In the end, we were seperated for 3 years.
I grew up, and so did he. He did not sober up, we both just grew up. I learned how to love myself, and to take responsibility for my own happiness. I learned that I was okay, even if I did love an active alcoholic. I learned how to be my own keeper, how to depend on myself, how to gather strength, and learned a whole new meaning of God.
It was not easy, but totally worth every thing that I did.
I left mine - it still hurts and is still hard to function because I feel like I abandoned him even though I did it for my own sanity. It never got to the point where he was really angry at me - he never wanted me to see the bad side of him. Kept saying I was too good of a person - too sweet - too nice - too loving to end up having to deal with that. I can tell you it is hard everyday but I think it might be getting easier. Despite the stomach pain (which is caused by stress) its getting a little better. I dont have the urge to call him or talk to him about things - I just come here instead. Today I actually did laundry and washed my dishes which I have been putting off and putting off to dwell about him. I am worth more than that. So are you.
Follow your gut instinct - you may love him but does he love himself enough?
I dont know if this helps - but I am here to talk to anytime!!
Lots of good ESH so far ~~ writing things down to be specific not only for yourself but for others when you are articulating why you do what you do (only if you feel it's necessary).
As you know, I don't want to make any decisions for you. If you search your heart and discover what your heart needs or wants in a love relationship, I am sure you will find the answers. The below has truly been a help for me to stop enabling and know that I was meant for a good life.
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder: I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I think we all strugle with this. I think that the A's almost act so badly to push us away and make that decision for them. I have to remind myself that it is the disease talking. My A left me and I really feel that he is wanting me to make the decision to divorce. I realized that I wanted relief from my pain but I had absolutely no plan. I just reacted to my A's whims. I like the suggestions that the others have offered. Do you have a sponsor? Can you write things down? Keep posting to air out your thoughts.
When I asked my A to leave in October (he was gone 16 days, but I thought it was permanent) I had prayed for guidance, when I asked him to leave the words came so easily, I was not scared, I let him call me, I didn't push or try to control him. Hang in there.
I guess my separation from my A is a little different. Three years ago I decided that living with my active A was too unhealthy for both my children and myself. He is a binge drinker and would be drunk 24/7 for a couple of weeks at a time, then stop drinking for a month or so, then he would be back into it. He was an unhappy drunk, cranky at me and the kids unnecessarily. I was getting sooooo angry at him, it was causing me to be unwell and not such a good mum. Sober my A is funny, affectionate, supportive, and very intelligent. (A great Dad and husband) Drunk he was the complete opposite.
At my suggestion, he got his own house. The boundaries that I set and that are still in place today are if he wants to drink he does it at his house. Sober he is always welcome at my home to spend all the time he wants with me and the kids. Our finances are entirely separate, and another boundary is that if he is broke (he only works casually) I will never lend him money for alcohol. He has his drinking buddies (also A) and they are never to come to my home. Only once in the last 12 months have they come looking for him here and you should have seen my A run to meet them as they came up the driveway and send them on their way! He knows my boundaries and knows I will not tolerate the chaos anymore. And he respects and understands that.
As a result my A's "other life" is completely separate from that of my children and myself. We only get the best of him! I think my situation may be a little unusual but it works for us.
Now, I have a peaceful, and sane home for my children to feel very safe in, and they see only the Dad they adore. I have my financial security (instead of wondering where the money went for phone bill) They also have a thorough knowledge of alcoholism and it's effects - a sad necessitity.
This was the right thing for myself and my family. And although there are still tough times, looking back I have no regrets over my decision. My A also agrees this was for the best.
Notsonew:
I"m sure with pray and thought you will make the decision that is right for you, -when the time is right for you.
He started his own company and was successful the first year making low 6 figures, not what his job paid but ok.
His drinking progessed. The next year he made 28k. Then his drinking progressed to the 24/7 point and he closed his business and we lived off my pay.
I made the household money (and had no access to it), cooked and cleaned and shopped and everything except he did the banking and the bills.
My husband is a miserable drunk. Sober, he is intelligent, handsome, witty and has many interests. When he went to 24/7 drinking he became mean, nasty emotionally and verbally abusive.
My cars transmission went and I wanted to buy another one.
He said we could not afford it.
I bought a co-workers used bike and rode it the 7.5 miles every day to and from work.
His 40k SUV sat idle in our driveway as mostly he was too drunk and sick to drive.
By the grace of God I found alanon 7/2004. I stopped enabling my alcoholic, gave him some non-alanon ultimatums and he sobered up for 5 months. I left alanon and was so pleased with the results of the alanon program. I did not care that my A did not work and rode his mountain bike all day, it was a victory, he was sober.
Until we moved. Then he started to drink again. He had no program and fell right back into the 24/7 drinking. I ran back to alanon. When we moved I was now 1 mile from my job, an easy walk in any weather, and I did.
But I needed alanon meetings and there were none within walking or biking distance. The nearest one was 12 miles away at night when I could go
So I started to rent enterprise rental cars for $9.99 a day on the weekends to go to alanon meetings.
A was oblivious and did not complain.
I did this for months. Then my SIL asked me would I like to go the the NYC auto show and she had free tickets and by golly I did want to go.
Into my mind came the glimpse of an idea that I wanted a pickup truck so I could get to meetings and haul my mountain bikes to the various parks.
So we shopped for trucks.
After the auto show for 5 weeks I truck shopped.
Then I bought one alone. Surely enough the credit guy at dodge loved my credit score, I got the lowest possible rate and a big red truck. Gee, my A said we could not afford this.
Then, when I brought the truck home I told my A, either you stop drinking or in 2 weeks I am getting in that truck and leaving.
And sure enough he didn’t and I did.
I lived in a hotel for 9 weeks at $100 a night until I was ready to emotionally and financially get an apartment. By then my own paycheck went to my new bank account.
It is a struggle and I am lonely. I have leaned very heavily on this board, my family and my best friend.
I will NEVER live like that again. I couldn’t.
I gained 30 pounds in the time he started drinking again. My bloood pressure was high. I downed 4 sleeping pills a night to get through the night.
My decision was not an actual conscious plan but an implosion.
I saw him walking on the highway in 95 degree heat in July and that was when I saw the lawyer.
I was getting pulled down so far that I hit my bottom.
Thankfully, with the grace of God and alanon, I am reaching out towards the other side of hell
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
