The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading the posts and responding to some but have been so busy and tired. Today makes 25 days my A is clean and sober! He is tired and of course irratable on and off. I am trying to stay focused on me. Of course he isn't going to meetings or counseling he is a "tough guy" you know, is doing it on his own. His weekends are filled with his own stuff. You know hanging out with his friends for a couple hours on Friday nights, then Saturdays working a side job or snowmobiling. Although he is not using or drinking I found myself being resentful and moody. At first he was more affectionate, falling asleep touching me, calling and leaving me messages, but I think the honeymoon period for sobriety is over. He has helped the 18 year old fix his lights on his car so we can get him on the road and I don't have to taxi. I guess maybe I am still focusing on what he's not doing, instead of focusing on what I am doing. Any experiences similar would help a bunch.
I can relate & it is hard. I knew with my step-father, at first his behavior "was good" but then his resentfulness crept back in & he wasn't even trying. He sd he was going to meetings but I could innately feel he was lying. Turns out, he was 'back out there'.
It is hard to let go & focus on yourself, when you have 'lived for someone else for so long' at least that was my experience.
Even through the counselling I have just started & all of this knowledge I have had with the program (I was in 20 years ago - had what I refer to as a 19 year slip) - disenegaging & focusing on myself has been my biggest challenge. No one pulls my strings like my own mom, the guilt with telling her "no" or "I need time & space, too" started to go towards resentfulness.
I spoke to my therapist about it & she sd, "well, of course you're resentful" it is hard to break old patterns.
I always hated "playing the game" when it came to romances too but it's true, when you act unintersted in them, they come chasing after you.
Do something you like, develop new interests, do something you have never done before, wtvr it takes, to focus on yourself.
love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Isn't is great though that he not using? That's a big step. Once they sober up unless they are working a program they don't seem to grow up ie gain any new skills. With my A, I find that I have to say things to myself like well, this is our Thanksgiving together - he is ignoring me all day, oblivious to anything except what he wants to do, and this will just have to be how our Thanksgiving is this year. That way I can get rid of that Pollyanna idea of what I think is happening in everyone else's house. Hop this helps.
I think when this happens, we realize that it is not just the drinking that is the problem, but the whole personality and way of looking at the world that goes with it. You deal with this the same way you dealt with the drinking - protect yourself, keep your own side of the street clean, enjoy the good moments, stand up for what is important to you, and let the rest slide. Eventually it will either get better, or it will get worse, and you can decide then what is best for you to do.
For us, there has been more trouble with sobriety than there was in the three years of drinking and heavy drug use before it. Every fight now, though, every conflict, we get a little better, as we are both trying to work our programs. It doesn't mean that life is perfect, but it does mean that we are at least learning something, trying not to repeat old patterns, or at least not for so long.
