The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week I had to have a protective order served on my husband. He was drinking and started an argument with me over my son calling home to wake him up. My son was letting me know he would be late coming home. My husband went into a rage, dumped all of my instructional items out of my teacher bag and began packing his personal things to leave the house. He left a couple of times, coming back each time to get some more personal items. He took both cell phones since they were in his name, threw one against the wall leaving an indention, and then unhooked all of the cables to the DSL on the computer. He cursed me with F you and F your son...I hope you two have a good life together. When he asked me if it was over, I told him I could no longer live like this. He then took off his wedding ring and threw it at me hitting me. All of my friends and church fellowship have been there for me, but one comment was made that bothered me. One person said, "Well, atleast he didn't hit you with his hands." I have been torn apart about this, wondering if I did the right thing, but each time I burst into tears, his words and actions along with the ranting and rage comes back to me. My emotions are tearing me apart. I miss him, but I can't live in this kind of enviornment. Since then he made an appointment with our minister for counseling. I found this strange because he hasn't gone with me to church over the last year due to the minister. He wanted to know if the minister would let him just sit in the back of the church each Sunday and not bother me. I am the music director for the church, so of course I would see him. He keeps reporting in to the minister to tell him he is going to AA meetings each day and went to church last Sunday twice. I feel he is doing this so the minister will tell me. He needs to change for him first, but I don't feel that is his agenda. The last call he made to the minister was to tell him he was thinking about leaving the state. I don't know if he is going to AA and seeking pastoral counseling, because we go before the judge Monday. What do you guys think?
Someone who says "at least he did not hit you" has never suffered verbal and emotional abuse. I can tell you first hand that in many ways that type of abuse is worse because no one can see it but you and he seems like "a great guy" to the outside.
This is Non-Conference Approved Literature - The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. This book literally saved my sanity, my heart and my soul.
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
My husband did all kinds of crazy things when drunk. He would smash things and unplug the cable modem and throw things. It was awful. Emotional abuse is abuse.
And it happened over and over again.
When I came to alanon people asked me how was I doing? Gosh I did not know, but I sure knew ho HE was doing, my alcoholic husband that is.
I could tell you how much he ate and drank, what he watched on TV I mean really I was consumed with obsessing about him.
I was sick he was sick. It was a very very bad combination.
Thankfully I found alaon.
They kept asking me, how was I doing? So then, I felt obligated to look at what I was doing. I was REACTINg to my alcoholic’s actions
When I started to look at what I wanted and took some control of my life back is when I started to get better.
In support and recovery
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
There is no rule that says you have to take him back until you are ready - whatever that means for you. If you don't feel that you can trust the changes he has made, then you have every right to wait, or just to decide you don't want him back, no matter what. If you just don't know yet what to do, then take your time until your HP shows you.
I can feel your pain and rage in your post and am sorry things are so very difficult for you right now. People who do not live with addiction do not understand that abuse and pain do not have to come from fists. It sounds as if you are doing what you need to do and are staying strong.
You are right, in my opinion, change takes a very long time. We did not become who we are in a matter of days, weeks or months and we cannot change who we are in that amount of time.
In your heart, you know that kn matter what you decide you are making the right decisions.
The minister has no business repeating what your husband says to him. That is a breach of confidentiaity, even if that is your husband's motives for telling him. I know you work with this minister, but it is wrong. I have worked for 9 years in a church and now am a pastoral care student. In our church we have worked with lawyers and allowed couples with restraining orders to attend the service by seperating them.
Just wanted to add my two cents worth of confidentiality.
josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
There's not much more I can say, I agree with the others. Please know you are valuable, sadly abuse is abuse. I am hearing a lot of manipulation on his part. Please take care of YOU and lots of well, healing wishes, Tracey, tea2
