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well i think this is it. my a has shown me in every possible way that he does not give two sh**ts about me. im so hurt and hate this feeling. in the past i would wait until tomorrow to see what he has to say. i need to stop this. this is my life to control and i cant keep waiting to see what to do untill i know what he's gonna do. he pushes my buttons, says something that hurts me more then anything then when i bring it up what im gonna do about what he said he just hangs up on me. so basically im telling the board because he is ignorant and will not hear me out. i have packed two bags so far for him and hopefully can get more together. i want him out. i dont want to deal with his games anymore. im tired of guessing his feelings. i have to keep in mind that i can't have a relationship with someone who cannot talk about what's really going on. who can say the hurtful things and run away to his mothers. everytime and disagreement starts he looses it, throws things, then runs to his mommy. this is getting ridiculous because this is the third time this week he has done this. when i am ill he will not sit by and help me out, in fact he puts all the more stress on me deliberately. it's like he gets some sick pleasure of seeing me so worn out. is that his way of controlling me? i feel controlled like nothing can be accomplished when he's not here which is true. how can i make my next step with him not here. i want him out of this place but since he is refusing to come here i can't get rid of his stuff. he said if i leave it outside he will call the cops on me. he turns everything around and makes me sound like the lunatic. i am building extreme hate right now for him. i've lost respect completly for him. im trying to get rid of my anger right now. im so mad im nauseated, i cant eat. my heart is pounding. its like he pushing me trying to see how far he can go before i lose my mind. which is not very far away. i cant even understand why he says he loves me but continues to push me to where im feeling my worse. then he keeps on kicking and kicking me while im down. i feel so weak compared to him with all the stupid games he plays and the fact that he can make me feel this horrible. how is that love? i have these suicide thoughts and want to do it just so he could see how much damage he has really done. but i know that is not the answer. i will never be happy as long as he continues to treat me this way. hes been doing it too long. i will not allow the outcome of my life to be a reaction to how he has treated me. he will hurt in his own ways one day and he will be sorry one day. at this time there is nothing i can do and it's driving me nuts. i have to wait for him to come home tomorrow if he does to tell him it's over because he wont let me speak on the phone. i will continue to pack his stuff. will push him away. my mind cannot take his crap anymore. i pray to god to not allow me to get sucked into his sick thinking and manipulation anymore. he can go to his mothers and play these games by himself. i will no longer take part. i am done
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
It sounds as if your decision is final! I truly understand why you have made the decision you have. Of course this sick manipulation is designed to control. YAY for you for having had enough and doing something about it. I hope that you will go on with your life happily and serenely. You deserve that. Take good care, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your post really hits home for me. I have felt exactly how you are feeling right now more times than I care to remember. I think many if not most "a's are emotionally unavailable and feel so crappy and guilty about their own lives, that they use the people closest to them as their personal whipping posts. I have used the "a" as a whipping post as well when he did something that hurt so bad. He is not my partner, when he's hurt me or I'm pissed, he's my enemy and I go for the jugular vein. It hasn't helped and I'm working on keeping my mouth shut because I don't have compassion or respect for him right now. It is difficult living with someone you love, but are so damned disappointed in. I don't think anyone signs up for a life of hurt and misery. You are right, it's not love that guides our "a's" it's addiction, fear, guilt, anger, any other feeling or emotion that has them in their grips. I too have packed his bags, he's refused to leave everytime, and I know that he has no legal rights to our home, so If I really wanted him out that day that time, I'd call an officer over to escort him. So far it has not come down to this, because I too allow myself to calm down and listen to what he has to say. Right now we are in a better place relationship wise than about a month or so ago. You mentioned he runs to his mom when things get tough. One option you may want to think about is bringing his things to his mom's house and letting him deal with it and sort through his junk there.
This will take you out of the picture of him having to come home. Change the locks if need be, whatever you feel you need to keep you safe and sane. Your feelings do matter validate yourself and keep coming back. Good Luck
Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It is the disease that causes the pain. I learned a few months ago through the board not to talk to the disease. I will talk to my husband but not the alcohol and/or drugs. It is hard, but I am such a different person then I was a year ago. We truely teach people how to treat us. I had such good boundaries with everyone in my life. I did not allow anyone to treat me like a door mat EXCEPT my A. I allowed him to do whatever, I accepted it and was in pain and crisis all the time. When I accepted Step 1, I started to realize that I couldn't control anything in life but me. Hang in there. You are in my Prayers.
