The material presented
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Last night it was like Mt Saint Helen errupted here. The pressures of the holidays and the financial problems here have been getting to both the bigger kids and me.
My husband was not present, in fact we did not even talk with him yesterday. There was a series of small incidents that set me off then like a chain reaction the kids exploded. Everyone was in tears. By the end of the night, we had all cried ourselves out and hugged and where exhausted but ok.
My kids said a lot of things that upset me. The whole situation and the fact that he is not handling anything financially and that he feels that we should all welcome him with open arms and be so happy he is visiting( for the brief amounts of time his Mother allows), not show any anger and act like everything is ok. Coupled with the fact that he has openly stated often that in his program he is learning to accept responsibility for his actions, but that responsibility is only to the people he has hurt. His parents and himself. I am angry and I found out last night how angry the kids are.
They where screaming that they hate him, that they hate his parents that tey wish all three of them would die. They where lashing out visiously. They feel things are even worse than when he was drinking, and are angry that ok he's not drinking, so everything else including them shouldn't be important. I am worried about them. I am worried about any guilt that may go along with these emotions. They go to teen programs, but they have unspoken anger at him that they have been told by him and his parents that they can't express. I feel the same way.
If he was in inpatient there would be family counseling where we could try and clear the air in a safe way. The IOP offers no such counseling.
My Mom suggested that I call the rehab, explain the situation, what is going on with the children and how worried I am. She says they probably have dealt with similar situations and can maybe set up counseling or make suggestions. He would not even consider outside family counseling, and wiht him working an IOP most services would not consider it at this time.
This is not about him, he will probably not hear or care. But I think the kids and I need a place to let him know how we feel about what is going on. We need a chance to say how we feel about him not working putting his paretns first etc. Wether he listens or not is immaterial, it has to be let out. If we try to do it on our own, him and his parents will be inssting the whole family needs anger management. Of course we are angry, I just did not realize until last night, how angry and stressed out I am, nor how angry the kids are. They did not deserve to be the target of my explosion, and I truly believe this was just a preview. Right now I am worried that my family is sitting on an emotional time bomb that especially due to the time of year, could explode.
Is calling the rehab a rational thing? I would appreciate anyone that has dealt with a similar situation or any input. I'm really afraid for both me and the kids. The stress is just eating away at us.
I may be wrong, but what I hear from your post is that all your actions are a direct result of someone elses action (or lack there of)
In alanon, we have to learn to act, not react.
We have to learn to be our own emotional keeper.
Step one:our lives have become unmanageable
Step Two :came to beleive
Step Three: Turned our will and our lives over...
Loving an alcoholic can be too much for many of us, until we find alanon.
Ask God for help, and listen to His answers. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting the same results, and when i hit this point, I can not think outside the box anymore, I need to depend on God to show me that route. For me, that is the only way to escape the insanity.
You can not change anybody but you. If you are not happy, you have to make a change. Lead by example, and your children will get it too. Either inside or out...Only you know for sure.
I feel your frustrations. I was lucky when my wife was outpatient MICA (mentally ill chemical abuse) program. They recognized the impact on the family and tried to at least include me. They had nothing for my kids at the time for their age.
In-patient was an entirely different story. IOP worked w/ me to make sure that I was included in the inpatient. They told me to call up and demande a meeting with them and to make sure we had an exit strategy when she was released. I had 3 kids at home, between 5th and K and I needed to know, would my wife be stable enough w/ meds, could the kids be left alone, what was the follow up plan. At the end of the meeting, we all agreed that we would have an meeting 24-48 hours before her release.
She called me up one day, hardly able to talk on her meds. Come pick me up. On the way home she was not following the instructions for the meds and popping pills. At home she popped more pills and skipped others. She sat with bottles and pills all over the table trying to figure out her medicine. She wouldn't accept help. I called back and asked the nurse what to do. She snapped back, "well Mr. Bobump, don't you have the medicines locked up?" I was livid.....my reply was less than nice. Maybe that was one of the f* items you were supposed to give me on the f* relase meeting you promised and never gave us. She said, "I dont' know who promised you that, we never do that."
I just erased a rant I had against the mental health system, much of it induced by insurance companies dictating care.
The bottom line is some of these programs do not care about the family. Even though they are releasing a troubled person back into troubled environment. How does that aid recovery?
I ended up seeking my own therapist and counselors who pretty much guided me through the system and helped very much. I still hit brick walls, but sometimes I had options to change them, sometimes I didn't. In your case, family therapy, with or without your husband, that includes someone who is well trained in addictions may help in addition to any alanon your doing with the kids.
I hope it brings you some comfort that at least there are those of us who've been there with addiction and/or mental illness and the system.
Prayers, Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
If you're not sure where to start, I think calling rehab and asking for their feedback might not be a bad idea. Your kids are hurting, and while they may have reached out in anger they have reached out, maybe in the only way they know how. They need to talk with someone, whether that be with your husband or not. They need to learn some way to process what is going on. I don't know what the best situation would be, but I agree with you that the opportunity to air it out would be good for them. I can relate to the feelings you indicate they are having. In my case, I didn't have the opportunity to air those feelings for another 20 years, and that's a long time to carry around that kind of stuff and not know what to do with it. I admire your courage.
i agree with captcodee>>>>>>>You can not change anybody but you. If you are not happy, you have to make a change. Lead by example, and your children will get it too. Either inside or out...Only you know for sure.
when i figured it out that i can ONLY take care of / change ME...i quit banging my head against the wall worrying about others.....i left my entire adoptive family (met them in recovery) cuz i KNEW i could never make "liars" meet my needs for honesty and trust....i could ONLY take care of me by leaving them....i could not force them to honour their broken promises......i STOOPPED being a volunteer in my own victimization....i stopped and took care of me>>>>>just my take, take what works, and leave the rest/ rosie
I totally relate -I feel it is my responsibility as a parent to help my child to be healthy and wise, the children do hurt. I believe the better I get it does help my son. He also is in al-ateen and I've even contacted the school and spoke to his counselor. In my opinion if there is help out there for you during this difficult time, what have you got to loose by asking? Venting (safely) may do a world of good to clear the air for you and yours -hoping you may then move on and let it go. You are human and need all the support and tools available along the way. Please go easy on you and take good care ~ lots of well wishes, tracey
I take my daughter to individual counseling and she can get out any angry feelings or sad, etc. feelings she has and it has nothing to do with her Dad's treatment, whereabouts, etc. We are low-income so our insurance does pay for it. Maybe you can call the County or State services and ask about counseling services for children if finances are a concern right now. I am also going to counseling for myself. I am not sure if the children even need to tell their father how they feel right now. Maybe just someone to talk to outside of their family could really help, some place they feel safe. Just my two cents. Whatever you decide I am praying for you and your family. This disease can definately make people angry and I feel for all of you.
I spoke to a woman at the rehab this afternoon. She told me that the kids being upset about what was going on right now was not his problem. She said they do not do family counseling in IOP as it is too difficult for the patient to be confronted with the feelings of the family. I told her that he is using the program to justify not supporting this family. I told her that I am not taking any legal action to make him do so, because I feel he would think it was a betrayal since he is trying. She told me that she thinks I am making a sound decision about not taking any legal action at this time. She then said that if they do not want to go back to work, they are not encouraged to do so. I asked why, and she said he has an obligation to himself and his sobriety only. I asked what about the kids? She told me if he had cancer, I would not be on his back to work, I would be more compassionate. I told her this is not the same thing and she told me it most certainly is.
She said that the kids and my feelings and the support of the kids is not something he should deal with right now, and I should understand that and I could help by shouldering some of the burden. I was not overly pleasant after she said that, I snapped out okay, I should shoulder more of the burden, and I asked her why she felt the kids and I should suffer the financial consequenses of his actions. She had the gall to ask me if I had any relatives who could help for now.
She said it the kids and I wanted to go to coundseling it would be a good thing, but he has been advised not to paticipate in any counseling while in the IOP.
(((Jeannie))) Yes, it probably is too much for your husband to handle yours and the kids' feelings right now. Now you have the information that the rehab can't help you. I would still suggest you look for other options - just because the rehab can't help doesn't mean that you and the kids aren't important. Just keep what you think is the right thing for you and the kids in mind, and take the next step you can see to take to get help. Some days I have a hard time thinking of alcoholism as a disease like cancer, too. Then I remember how hurt I often feel in heart and mind and spirit, and remember that it is. It doesn't always show up on a lab test, but it's a sickness just the same. You guys are in my prayers. (((Jeannie)))
It seems true what they say about the world revolving around the alcoholic. There still has to be progress in all of this. And it is about the disease and the not the person. So I guess you and your kids are powerless over alcoholic. Hang in there! Keep coming back.
Some rehabs offer "family counselling", but it has been my experience that you might have better luck trying a counsellor, who is trained in addictions.... Many government agencies are available, where they provide this service at fairly nominal charges.... Most of your "drug & alcohol" offices should be able to direct you...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi Jeannie I am in a very small town and we have a D/A counsellor that comes in to town once a month. Anyone in the family can access this free service. I would encourage you to ring the agency in your area as Tom suggests. I feel that the woman at the re-hab is concentrating solely on your A as she probably is meant to be but could have been a lot more polite and supportive towards you by offering you other agencies and networks to help you through it.
