The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The holidays are always a challenge, and this year is no different.
My father remains in the same fog he has been in since Thanksgiving. My mother has been on a rollercoaster of depression and anger ever since. I always waffle on what to do with the suicide threats from one or the other of them. It seems cold to remind them of a hotline and hang up, but that's what I do. I can't do this with them anymore. Let them think I'm cold.
My mother left a long and wandering message on my voicemail today. Several voicemails, since she apparently had a lot to say and kept getting timed out. I usually listen to these messages, but don't respond. I listen and remind myself of what I can become with no program in my life. I remind myself she is sick. I remind myself I am getting well.
My parents are of the impression that since both my brother and I have good jobs and are married, we are fine. This was her theme today. Today apparently, I have proven her theory that kids are like rubber bands. No matter what happens, they will make it through. Her talk is a blubbering stupor. Apparently the afternoon sleeping pill dosage has kicked in.
Define "make it through," I am thinking, today. I am here. I am breathing. By that definition, yes, I have made it. But there are so many ways in which I feel I have not "made it through" that I want to strangle her sometimes when she says this. Thank god for this program. I know not to say to her the things I used to. I know to remember it is the pills talking, her own conscience she is trying to soothe. I know to remember who she is and what she chooses or has chosen has nothing to do with me.
Inside of me there is still the person who once begged her to hear me, and she either wouldn't or couldn't. Begged her to make it stop, but she wouldn't or couldn't. There are things that happened that she and I will probably never, ever talk about. And there would be no point. I don't wish to make her feel guilty. I do want her to hear. I want to smash her impression of who I am because of a job and a marriage license. But I might as well be speaking Chinese to a Frenchman. I know this is futile.
So I come here. And I call my sponsor. And I remind myself that I am much better off than before I found this program. I remind myself that my HP will show me through this conversation, this day, this holiday season. I remind myself that I intend to continue to work this program every day and in ten years look back on this day as a blip instead of the painful moment it is right now. In two years I have learned she did not intend to ever hurt me. In another two I hope HP will have shown me the compassion to forgive her. Because today I just don't have it. But I know it will come if I look for it. That's my hope.
Good for you - you will get there, and past. I know what you mean about the suicide threats - I have been tempted to say "Fine, go ahead, I can't stop you". I know that it is not really a threat, just the only way he knows to express how troubled he is. Nonetheless, sometimes I just resent being manipulated so much. I guess the only answer is to stop playing the game. "I love you but I can't help you."
Hardly a ramble. Great to hear how you find your growth in your program able to handle some things in a new way that work for you much better than those tired old ways.
Thanks for sharing pixel
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I know what you mean about the suicide threats - I have been tempted to say "Fine, go ahead, I can't stop you".
my X tried this on me and i said "i don't want you to die...but it is YOUR choice...YOUR karma, and i will NOT be responsible for YOUR choice"....he stayed alive adn we ended up splitting....i don't miss the drama at all..........rosie
