The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel I made a break through this morning with understanding what happens to me physically and emotionally when my "a" and I fight. I used the good old dictionary to differentiate between a discussion and a fight. A fight is described as a battle. I thought about this word for a while because that is exactly what happens. The discussion starts about anything, a word or phrase is spoken from the "a" and I react to it, I correct him and overcorrect him. This starts a series of emotions, fear, anxiety, rage. His voice raises out of frustration from being micromanaged and overcorrected by this anal retentive person who cannot let the conversation have a life of its own. When the volume gets turned up I get scared and uneasy because this reminds me of my Dad when I was a kid screaming at me. I'm aware my children are just in the next room listening and my anxiety raises a little more. I lash back out in anger yelling. By this time we are no longer partners, friends, anything, we're enemies. We just throw obscenties and insults one on top of the other to out do each other. I thought what are we trying to win at? What are we accomplishing by doing this? The topic of the conversation is lost and the fight doesnt stop until one of us is so wounded we give up.
I realized that I'm so used to my way of life and doing things that when I feel my way of life is being challenged or asked to change I get protective and defensive. I feel my way is the good way the only way for me and my children. I don't allow the other person's set of values to come out. So we have never really been able to take any of the good parts of our value systems and combine them. We're too busy defending and protecting our ways of life. I wrote down some ground rules this morning for myself for fighting and talking. I did not include the "a" ground rules as I'm sure he has some of his own. I'm just going to allow this revelation to breathe a while and hone in on this tonight when dealing with him.
I'm not that little kid anymore, its amazing how quickly the memories come after twenty something years of being removed from an abusive situation. Just being in a conflict with this person, brings it all back. I must surrender this too.
Thanks for listening,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hello Mom isn't it nice when we get the awareness we need to change the things we can? our attitudes. One of my biggest defects was being selfrightness - had to be right . no matter what . Then someone said to me u have a choice you can be right or Loved not much of a choice is it? I know when I am right and now it's ok if someone dosent agree with me,it is no longer my job to prove them wrong.
Just because someone dosent agree with me dosen't mean i am wrong it simply means we don't agree.
Took me awhile to get there but the peace and serenity are worth the trip. hehe I love the slogan How Important Is It? do I really want to upset the whole family trying to make someone see it my way or can I walk away and let it go? was a challenge for me.
Our kids are affected by every thing we do and say they deserve at least one sane parent. The page in the ODAT that changed my thinking was July 14th , especially the part about assaging thier guilt by arguing with them. good luck Louise
You said "a word or phrase is spoken from the "a" and I react to it".
For me this was one of the biggest changes in my life. Learning how to respond and not react, not only with the "A" but with everyone.
Short story....
My daughter plays in the local HS band & in orchestra. She has her own flute and piccolo. Well a few years ago she was to play in a holiday concert away from home. Inadvertently she left her instruments at the other school. Normally I would have blown a gasket over her irresponsibility and so forth. But I stopped for a second and saw the pain she was in ... crying and filled with fear. Just in that brief moment I was able to get control of myself and my emotions. Instead of yelling and screaming like a lunatic I was able to go to her and offer comfort. I gave her a big hug and told her everything would be alright. I calmed her and made me feel good that I was able to RESPOND instead of reacting to the situation. Well eveything turned out okay and I learned a big lesson from it. The difference between RESPONDING AND REACTING. For me it was just a matter of thinking rationally . If I yelled and screamed at her it would not have brought the instruments home, and it would have made my daughter feel even worse than she already did. Stop & Think before you Say that's been my new motto.
