The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you may or may not know, I am married to an active alcoholic/addict.
We both know he is, he admits it, but is unwilling to get help. Thankfully through Alanon I have the courage to change the things I can, and the serenity to accept the things I can't.
Saturday was my company christmas party, free booze. The pre alanon me would not take him, or would constantly watch him, tell him to slow down, ask him to conserve himself....
However, I wanted to have a good time, and I wanted him to be with me.
I didn't say a thing about how much he was allowed to consume etc.
(thankfully I am not the only one who has a husband that can get an audience...)
WHen a particular song came on he grabbed me to dance, and I saw that black look on his face. In the middle of the song, he got so mad! Apparently I said something that set him off. (only God know's what)
I went outside for a smoke, and he chased me out, ready to quarrell. I calmly said "not here sweetheart. We can go home if you would like"
He ended up making himself look bad, but I felt so calm. I knew for the first time in my life that he was making a fool of himself, not me, and my reacting to the situation would only do more damage than good. I was calm, and loving. I understood that he was drunk, and this was not rational thinking, not my fault, and nothing I could say or do would prevent an outburst. I could, however, make it so that he would not make a fool out of me in front of my companions. I politely excused myself from the party, and took him home.
On the way home he accuse me of many things, like a typical drunk would do. I prayed for strength, and for God to help me do this right.
Fighting with a drunk is useless. However, sometimes you have to throw a few words in there to make it home in a car in once peice.
There was a point when my husband wanted to get out of the car. I pulled over, put the car in park, and said "baby, you are free to go. You have that choice" He stayed and rambled a bit longer. Saying things like he should just leave me, none of his friends would put up with my shit...blah blah blah..
I calmly said in a low quiet voice, "hunny, you have your choice, just as I have mine. Should you decide to get out of this car, you are free to go"
He stayed. The alcohol-induced anger slowly diffused. By the time we got home he was in tears. Everything felt like shit to him. He was low before he started to drink, therefore gettin lower with each drink.
WIth the guidance of HP I remained calm. I ended up holding him while he cried, and in the morning didn't get up to get him coffee...lol
Told him where the asprin is, but didn't get it for him.
I said so little when he was drunk. Sunday Morning I brought up the topic. He thanked me for not reacting to his insanity, apologized for his behavior.
I am worried about his mental health. I am backing out where I can, leaving room for God to do some work. My husband likes to say that he needs help when he is drunk, but doesn't when he is sober. I will just back off. Just for today, I have the strength. He doesn't hit, and doesn't do this when the kids are around, just for today, I am okay.
I hope that you find something in this to apply to your own life. I am okay. Living with a drunk is okay,for me.
What a great job you did. I can only pary that I have the strength to do the same in my situation. Your post reminded me that today I need to respect my husband's life style and decisions to be his own person. it helped me to remember that his behavior does not have to be a reflection of my lifestyle, my choices, what kind of person I am or me. Thank you for sharing.
thank you Aaron - Im also living with an alcoholic husband. Things right now are ok. Im not talking bad (as much) about him behind his back. He's actually working full weeks, etc. Im not pouring his booze down the sink. He told his A friend that he cant keep driving him around.
Hi Aron just want to give you a hug. You handled that with so much dignity and strength. The holiday season puts so much extra stress on our emotions. I wonder if people who are not living with an active A really have an understanding of how hard it is with all the parties etc that happen in the festive season. You know I think we really lose the message of what Xmas is all about along the way. Luv Leo x
Aron 