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This weekend has been busy. Went out with friends Friday night, yesterday I got up and started cleaning/decorating for Christmas. It was hard and I knew it would be....going through our Christmas stuff, stockings with everyone's names on it (my A, my stepdaughter, my dog who passed in July)....my whole family seems to be gone. Just one lonely stocking this year...it was hard. Then my A called. Every conversation lately with him seems to revolve around money, it really is getting tiresome. He started with "I'm having a really bad day...yada, yada...." How he misses me....then the manipulations started.....I asked if he needed anything from me...gave him the opportunity to ask. He said no just kept going one about how broke he is, how he paid this bills or that bill (he only pays the electric and cable(phone & internet included) and got me oil once...he seems to want all this credit for "doing the right thing" as far as that....yeah, well, big deal. The bills were a month behind and they're in his name. I told him two months ago, pay them up to date and I'll change them into my name. I am not assuming responsibility for your debt. Now, nevermind how much money he has spent in the past few months (albeit years) on drugs and women. How I had to fight him for an extra money towards anything other than the bills.....but NOW he wants credit. Then he hits me with he couldn't almost go to his dentist appt because he had no gas. He's supposed to take my stepdaughter to the movies and has no money. Then he hits me with it. Do I have $40... I was so mad. I knew that's why he called......but instead goes on this tangent. I said very plainly...I do not want to be manipulated by you. I am not going to be made to feel guilty about you being in this financial situation. You pay the bills because they are in your name. I will be happy to switch them out when they are up to date, I have told you that several times. Now I know I shouldn't have gone in this direction with him...but I felt I needed to set the record straight... I told him....Money is a BIG issue with me with you and your disease. You have nickeled and dimed me for every cent in the past five years so that you could do what you pleased with your money. You hid bank statements from me, God, you even had an argument with me once about not having money to pick up my dry cleaning......but you spent it on women and drugs eventually.....and in the end you come to me for help. Well, I don't have $40.00 to give away.... it would mean sacrificing something I want (my Chrsitmas tree) and I'm not willling to do that. And I didn't. I finished cleaning my house and decorating for me. I went to a nice dinnerwith my dad, came home and watched a movie....Slept in this morning and I'm getting ready to go get my tree. So another small vistory in not being mamipulated!
That must have felt great! Not to shut your A down, but to hold your ground, have dinner with your Dad and a relaxing evening. Way to go!!
There was a point that I would have handed over the money so my child wasn't affected and could go to the movie as promised. I had attened a few Alanon meetings 10 yrs ago, I didn't keep going, but I did pick up a few important things about manipulation and boundaries (Thank HP). I learned that the A must suffer the consequences of his actions no matter what. I have a painful memory/picture in my mind of my son at 5 yrs old, standing at the window in his Power Ranger jammies, waiting for Daddy to come home as promised. He had told my son he was bringing home a bucket of KFC. Needless to say he didn't show up until hours later. My son had a toasted cheese sandwich that night and finally went to bed. I made no excuses, I just said I don't know where Daddy is. In the end, now almost 16, my son has made his own observations of his Dad. They have a pretty good relationship because my son has low expectations. Anyway....
Pick out a beautiful tree!!! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Great job! and the best thing about holding your boundaries is you won't feel resentment because for once in your life, you are able to get what you want because you act responsibly with money and save up for a rainy day.
Happy Tree Decorating,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Oh, how wonderful!! I am jealous. I have not felt like putting up a tree this year, decorating, baking....I thought that because my two oldest kids weren't here I wasn't in the mood. That's not fair to my two year old and I do need to keep in mind what this holiday means to me. I have so much to celebrate and be grateful for. I admire your strength!
I just came back from getting my tree......God is good and last night my dad gave me some money for Chrsitmas and I was able to go out and get my tree with it. I used to get a real one, but being alone that isn't so easy, soI compromised and bought myself a Martha Stewart prelit tree. It made me sad, knowing all I used to do...but I've compromised myself to doing "what I can".....it was sad seeing all the couples out there doing things together I really wanted to call my A...but then i made a conscious decision to look for all the people out there doing things alone, which made me feel better that I'm not the only one. I came home and went through yesterday's mail. One of whcih was his criedt card statement. Well, wouldn't you know....a $50.00 charge for a motel.....that's his place to get high..well, I felt so vindicated in NOT giving him money. I was mad but didn't call.. He made it to the movies last night it seems I had called my stepdaughter and she was out with him according to her mom. So he managed without me...and I managed alone. I'm sad but happy in a strange way. Happy that I can do it alone. I'll be OK.
I have found it hard to change my behaviour, and, the thing is, I expected things to get better in the way I expected things to get better. (ungrammatical, but the best way I can describe!)
Well, things are very much better around here, but, so different, not always just what I would ideally want, but, I am never going back to the alternative.
I know I haven't put this very well, just to give you a flavour, when my daughter was drinking, there were times when she would invite me out to a restaurant, and we would have a good time. Of course, after I left, she would then go on to meet her drinking buddies, and so on and so on.
Nowadays, I am in touch with her by phone, several times a week, (mostly because I look after her dog much of the time). We meet for a coffee once in while, and I invite her here for a meal. Some of the fun we had has gone.... Maybe I will make more of an effort, we also used to go swimming, maybe we could share a line dance class or something!
Thanks again for your share - it was a good reminder for me, life is better, but different, and I must keep working at it!
Of course you can do it alone ((((((( hugs ))))))).
I'm sorry that you felt sad & I'm sure you were missing what you thought you had ~ at least that is what I find, that I miss the person I thought I knew, the family I thought we had.
But the A's only think of themselves -- I felt like I could relate to your story a little, except every year I wanted NO PART in all of the decorating, step-father would be getting drunk & argumentative about doing things easy & logically - often my mom would give up in anger & it would take WEEKS three usually to get all of the outside lights put up.
Or my mom would get mad & "do it all herself". The fact of the matter is, she has been doing it all herself for years anyway ~ I think that realisation has made her feel vindicated & validated.
Of course I'm still involved with my mom & her "A" who is 'kicked out' & living in the pool house (which is an efficiency apt) but it is hard -- she fusses about him. It would be easier if he would just go away somewhere. (anyway, I digress a little) He basically ignored me for 20 years (they've been married for 26) -- turns out he's been having affairs for 15 yrs but I don't even believe him anymore, I think it has probably been the entire marriage.
I know he makes "all the money" so he feels like buying $300 pants is justified, God only knows what he has spent on "the girl friends" or the titty dancers, gambling - out playing Mr Big Shot.
One day he is going to be very lonely, when he realises all the harm & devastation he has caused.
It gives me hope that you are decorating for you, realising that you can do it... I was happy when you said you started to look around for those that were on their own too. People choose to be alone for all sorts of reasons... I am looking forward to having a more spiritual Christmas this year. I sure was counting my Blessings when I found my cat that had been gone for 3 days, got him back the Wednesday b4 Thanksgiving.
I remember listening to John Bradshaw talking about the disease of alcoholism when I was 18 (18 yrs ago) & he showed a giant hanging mobile & how even the pets get effected by the emotional enmeshment of the disease. He also said that ultimately, we are all alone in this world -- no one can know our perceptions or feelings, truly & we are born & die alone, as our own experience.
I'm also happy you got a pre-lit tree, one less thing to do. We always had to have real ones but maybe 3 yrs ago, we got this fiber optic fake tree... it is really cool, I like it, doesn't take any watering or vacuuming up pine needles that seem to be around until April!
I needed a little hope today - thanks for sharing, I think you gave me some, ty.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Kim great that you are doing things for you. You have a lovely tree, a wonderful Dad and a roof over your head for Xmas. You are also blessed with your extended family here. Luv Leo x
i love what you said about first you looked around and saw all the families together and then you turned that into looking at all the others that are alone there. that is something i need to do next time im upset when things arent going right. i think we all need to do it. that is awesome for you doing everything for you. you are definatly working the program, good for you and keep it up. in the end all you have is you.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Of course you can do it alone ((((((( hugs ))))))).