Hi Boarders-
I am pasting in a wonderful comment by a member of a different board I post on.
She so eloquently describes a good alanon attitude(and she is not talking about A!!).
It really spoke to me. My A (currently inactive) and I were talking last nite and he was
discussing possibly using again. I was trying hard not to react. He kept telling me things like "If I do this, you will say this" etc. I told him he sounded resentful toward me. He said he is just angry with himself that he could not control his use enough to continue it. (I was like-"duh--you're an addict"--but bit my tongue) I am still trying to encourage the honesty thing--but that lying is a hard habit to break for him. I realize that I will get more honesty if I keep my remarks to a minimum---but it is hard when he asks what I think and I know that my answer is not what he wants to hear (ie-no honey, I don't think buying pot is a good idea right now!)

anyway-here is that great post by a woman named Lauren--

."For me, over time I came to understand that the best approach for us
> was not to give my husband any specific rules to follow, but rather
> to allow him to decide for himself what actions he needs to take,
> what he needs to do to be happy in his life and to not feel "caged" -
> and then I just have to decide if what he choses to do was/is
> something that I could and want to live with, or not.
>
> This way he is the one in charge of what he does, and I cannot in
> any way be cast into the role of his mother or his jailor, which I
> don't want to be. This works for us, so so so much better than in
> the beginning when I was always trying to set rules for him, about
> what he could do and what he was not allowed to do. That just led to
> a feeling on both our parts that he as always negotiating
> for "more" - more time away, more freedom, etc. - and that did not
> feel good to me. So, I finally just let it go and told him to do
> whatever he needs to or wants to, and my only rule anymore is that
> he always be honest with me about whatever he's doing. If he ever
> chose to act in ways that I cannot accept or do not want to live
> with, then I would leave him, rather than try to keep him from doing
> whatever he feels is necessary or important for him to be happy.
>
> Fortunately, he has chosen to continue making me/us of a priority in
> his life, to be loving and endlessly supportive of me, and to
> generally be someone who I still love being with and want to spend
> my life with ... and so we are still very happily together.
>
> I found that what works for me is to focus on what I want and need
> in MY relationship with my husband - how I want to be treated by
> him, how I want us to communicate and live and be when we are
> together ... rather than focusing on what he is or is not allowed to
> do in his other relationships and or activities apart from me. As
> long as the relationship we have with each other continues to make
> me happy and suites me, I will stay."