The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was gone, I felt such freedom, relief and hope. I also felt fear, lonely, alone, scared, angry, resentful, confused and befuddled. I relished the feeling of freedom and the suspense of not knowing what tomorrow would bring. I could ahve turned my life into anything I wanted to. I know I still can, but feel like I am now having to start over. Getting out was the hardest part. If it was so wonderful, why did I come back? Nothing has changed and my chidlren didn't come back with me because they were smart enough to want to stay far away from chaos. Their father is making it very difficult for me to communicate with them or see them, but right now I am taking advantage of that to think and prioritize. I miss my big kids so much but am delighting in my two year old. I am not working and am not pressed to find a job right now, so I thought about using this opportunity to go back to school and finsh getting my degree. I want to return to north Carolina with my big kids, but would have to find full time work and that would mean I couldn't go to school full time. I was very scared because what I was doing (standing on my own two feet) was so different from what I have ever known. I can't remember ever feeling that sense of freedom before. It was the best feeling in the world.
I think what you got in that sense of freedom was knowing if pressed you will survive. Try and remember you are right where you are supposed to be. You sound like you have plans to better your life for yourself and all your children. Believe in yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Yes being out in the world alone is very exciting. I had forgotten until my A and I separated that short time in October. It's frustrating in some ways but it does give you a feeling of empowerment. Hang in there and remember this quote, one of my favorites from Eleanor Roosevelt..."The Future Belongs To Those Who Believe In Their Dreams"
Wow, I can sooo relate. I am back with mine too. The temporary freedom was nice in a lot of ways, but I still loved and missed my A too much to be happy without him. He hasn't been drinking much since I came back, and we have been very happy.I know that could end at any time, but at least I found the confidence to know I didn't take him back because I had to, I took him back because I wanted to. :)
