This morning I awoke somewhat anxious. I had a busy day and had to interview about 5 people, but still my mind was buzzing again about my A. My first instinct was to call and lash out at him, but I set my sights on work and before I knew it I was in the throws of my day and my mind was off of it. He called this evening when I was on my way home. I'm still not at a point where I can ignore the calls when they come, and that's Ok for now. He asked if he could come this Sunday and hang my Christmas lights. I told him I would take care of it. He asked if he could come do laundry, I asked why did he have to come here (he has friends and a sister, there is really no reason for him to come here).....he started with the entitlement attitude of the fact that he still maintains some of the bills and he "feels" that he should be able to. I will not accept that as it is his responsiblity to pay those bills as they are in his name and I take care of everything else, including the mortgage. He then admitted that it was his way of staying in touch with me (can anyone say hostage) I can't tell you how much energy it took for me not to say "why don't you go to one of your girlfriends and do your damn laundry"...but I didn't.  I realized it wasn't going to get me anywhere. He said in the end that he understands if I say no and that he probably didn't have a right to ask me in the first place. OK. A little more of the conversation revolved around his treatment and discussing this as an issue in his recovery. The fact that without drugs and alcohol in his life he realizes that this only became another outlet for him to escape and although he doesn't have all the answers he knows he has to get to the bottom of it. He had a beautiful, loving, caring wife and he blew it by acting as he always has, like an assh*** (his words, my thoughts)  Well, good for him.  I am trying to forgive. But it is hard. I do realize how sick a person he is, but it doesn't make me hurt any less. Tonight I have plans with my stepmom for dinner. Tomorrow night I have plans with some friends. Saturday I plan on cleaning my house and decorating for Christmas and already have asked my friends to help me with the lights. I am keeping my head up and my sights on recovery and that's all I can do for now. I have tabled the attorney until after the holidays b/c I don't think I can do both. But all in all I have been granted strength. I am thankful today for that.