hi guys,

i came home from work today and was informed by my mom that my "a" (ex-boyfriend) had left his rehab after only 6 weeks...out of a 12 week programme

i knew deep down he wouldnt last. when i saw him sunday he seemed detached like he knew what he was gonna do. hes in a homeless shelter now tonight in the freezing cold. his family want nothing to do with him when he's like this. you cant get throu to him no matter what you say or do! since we broke up in aug..he was on a rollercoaster of drink and sleeping pills. he wasnt the guy i knew and loved anymore. after losing over a stone in weight and not sleeping night after night with worry...waiting for him to turn up banging on the door...out of his head or waiting for the police to tell me they found his body somewhere.. i knew i had to break free.

i went around in a daze for over 3 months.... then one sunday 2 weeks ago.. i got sudden realization...(read post "sudden realization") that thats not my life. i cant deal with that situation... im 24... i should be living my life..not trying to mind someone else and keep them away from pubs and clubs. i spoke to him on the phone last night and told him we werent getting back together...end of story.... he said id change my mind once he came out. but i havent and i wont.

i love him with all my heart and soul...but he's acting like a total loser. he had everything going for him... his own apartment, an understanding girlf, and a new business he set up with my backing. none of which made him happy. the end of a bottle of whiskey and pills did. he hasnt learnt his lesson and he prob never will. the hurt, anger and sadness is still there. but im taking care of me. im eating properly, im sleeping more now that i dont have the added worry of whether he will come home or not and in what state. my alarm system is on now every night, im reading my novels...i have started praying to the angels... and im finding some peace in myself....something which i havent had in a long time.

i still get outbursts of tears and anger when i look at what he has lost and thrown away... i had to put away our holiday camcorder video...and photos...put away every gift he ever gave me.. they were all reminders....i cant live in the past. for a change i have to concentrate on me.

i do remember on one occassion..it was a monday morning...i had been up all the sunday night bawling my eyes out..i sat up in my bed and begged the angels to help me be strong i told them i couldnt do it on my own..and i needed to know i wasnt alone. i asked the angels to give me a sign they were with me... now im not a very spiritual person at all.... im catholic...so i do go to church..but more like at easter and xmas...instead of every sunday... well that monday evening as i came out of work... there was a white feather stuck to the door handle of my car.. on my side, the drivers side. i froze.. it was perfectly white and clean...there was no birds or trees around... it was a sign. i truely believe it.

so for those of you out there who feel like your totally alone and that the pain will never ease...it does...over time....just look after yourself. cyn, twinmom....twopoddles....cdb my thoughts are with you.

rebecca xxxxxxxx