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I had a bad morning today... My one son gets up in the middle of the night continuously. He was the good sleeper, now it's the other one that doesn't give me trouble at night. The kids are not listening to me at all lately. Yes, they're two and tantrums and selective hearing is expected. I'm having a hard time being patient and using the new skills I'm trying to practice. I have so much anger inside of me, and I have not found a way to get that anger out in a healthy way and be done with it. Physically I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and just the everyday demands on me. I'm resentful about how much is on my plate, because it feels like the "a" gets to do whatever he wants to do. He called off work today, for what I have no idea. I kept my mouth shut, that's progress for me because usually I give him a guilt trip about how we need the money and how his boss will not tolerate calling off frequently. The fear and anxiety was definitely there about him losing another job, me having to carry us again until he finds another job, etc. He hasn't even lost the job, and I'm already planning for it and expecting it. So, my anger about this was just multiplied by 10 when the kids wouldn't listen and kept whining and screaming. It makes me miss the days of solitude and freedom. I feel guilty about that, but its true somedays I long for just one day of that again. I feel like such a failure as a mom when I can't get it together and keep my cool with the kids.
After I dropped them off at school and calmed down, I realized that I did not wake up earlier than them this morning and have a chance for my quiet time. This is so important to my day, I'm able to get centered and wake up with out feeling like I'm being screamed at and pulled the first thing in the morning. I feel like I need to revisit Step 1 again, Realized I am powerless over alcohol which includes powerless over what the alcoholic says, thinks, does, everything.
Thanks for listening
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You are a great mom! Try not to doubt yourself. You are doing the best you can with what you have. When I feel down or that I'm not doing a good job I work hard at turning it all over to my HP. I have learned not to pray for patience as then I feel that my HP will show me, in everyway, exactly how much patience I already have. Years ago I was a single mom of four boys all under the age of 12, I thought I could never make it. I didn't get any support for 9 months, I worked sometimes 10 days in a row. I was exhausted, one day I opened the cupboard and one of the boys had spilled a bag of rice and didn't clean it up. I fell apart, I started crying and could not stop. Over the years the boys have teased me, crying over a bag of rice!!!! Now as the older two have children in their lives, I will ask how are things going? My son in the Air Force has said "Mom I'm sooooo tired" I will tell him, you appriciate me crying over that rice now? I was trying to be super mom back then, keeping house, paying the bills, being fun mom, disciplining mom, being everything to everybody. I didn't know then about taking care of me. I have just learned this in the last year or so. I know now to be gentle with myself. To cry when I need to cry. To ask for help when I need help. That there are lots of things that I can not control and have to accept. I know that I am not alone, my HP will take care of the things I can't control, but only if I turn them over to him and ask him to. Hang in there. You are doing great to reconginize that you need to go back to Step 1.
YIKES! All this sounds familiar to me somehow...I am one of identical triplets, and I remember...after all these years...my own mom complaining about having no time for herself. I think the first three or so years were pure torture, and when we were born, there was no preparing for a multiple birth. It came as a surprise!! YAY!! And our dad was a hard-working man who supported his family well.
Dealing with these toddler twins and an A too has got to be more difficult than I want to imagine. I really feel for you. Is there a friend or relative who could take the kids for a couple hours so that you can go shopping, sleep, read, or simply relax? Hmmm...wait...you said they go to "school." Is this pre-pre school? How many hours is this? Take that time to be by yourself. Do the home chores when the twins are home, and devote their away time to YOU!
I am grabbing at straws here trying to see what might fit for you. I am not much for slogans, because a slogan is neither a strategy nor a solution; it is a play on words that is usually better left unsaid. But in your case, "one day at a time" does seem appropriate.
Wishing you peace and love, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Oh my God can I relate to everything you shared! I have twins (boy and girl) that will be 4 in Jan., plus a 19 month old son, plus a 10 (today!) year old daughter plus a 19 year old daughter. Not forgetting of course......the A. I know what you mean about feeling like you're not being a good mom. There are days when I KNOW I am not being a good mom because I barely have the patience to get through the day. I really mean that. My kids aren't bad by any means, they're just kids and there's a lot of them! I hear *MOM* from the second I open my eyes until somewhere around 9pm every night. The first thing I do and have done every day for the past 4 years is change a poop diaper. I listen to yelling, screaming, crying or some other not so pleasant child noise almost constantly. I literally don't have a second to myself to even think some days. The messes they make are unreal. I don't remember my two older girls being quite so messy as little ones.
There are days when I honestly do resent being a mom. It would be so much easier to go on with my life without the A if I didn't have my little ones. I know that probably sounds horrible but I'm just being honest in how I feel at times.
I know the overwhelming feeling you are experiencing, because I experience it almost daily. I wish I had the solution to share with you, but I've yet to find it. The only thing I can say is every day that passes they get a tiny bit older and soon enough will be old enough to reason with. At least that thought helps me get through the really insane days.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Hey--Steps are not something we move "up" or "down" from. Steps are something we live every day. And we never "master" the steps. Going "backward" or "forward" in the program to me is really just another way of putting ourselves down and being hard on ourselves. To me, when we are truly comfortable with the key concept and principle underlying each of the 12 steps, we will naturally flow onto the next one. This is where sponsorship is so very important. A sponsor makes sure I am on a healing track and am working toward recovery, versus just lolling around.
