The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I called my father yesterday, trying to get hold of my mother. She and I had been playing phone tag for several days. So yesterday I tried at 11 am - she wasn't answering at work. 2 pm - she wasn't at home, my father said. 6 pm (9pm their time), he tells me she never came home, she hasn't been home for 3 days, she never gives a crap about him....
So, this is normal. In honor of Thanksgiving, he got blasted, and her typical response to this is to go on the run for a few days and act like she doesn't exist in this world. No work. No friends. No family No contact. Then, she plots some unconscious episode (she's diabetic) in a public place so she can be rescued, she lands in an ER somewhere, and everyone calls with the oh poor woman story, she has such a brittle disease blah blah. Brittle disease, all right.
Annoyed as I was today about this, I took stock of how I used to handle these episodes vs how I handle them today.
1. I used to get on a plane, go find them, bring them home, and stay until they were both sober and functioning. I don't get on planes for this anymore.
2. I once taught my mom how to do online banking, set up all her passwords for her, so when she pulled one of these disappearing acts I would be able to log in and see where she was spending money so I would know where she was and that she was okay until I could find her. I deleted everything. I don't check on her anymore.
3. When people call me with the poor woman story, I used to take every phone call and try to get every detail about what had happened, what they had been told. Then I would try to explain to them what was really happening, which of course is insane and doesn't make sense to anyone, not even me most days. Today I don't take many of these phone calls. And if I do I just listen, I don't ask questions, and I don't try and persuade anyone of my view.
4. I used to hold onto anger about this sort of thing, and throw it at my parents during a visit with them, and then get further upset when they wouldn't see my side of it. Today I don't talk to them about it. I stay out of it as much as possible. I know their paths will lead them where they need to go. When it gets to me, I talk it out with my sponsor or other program people who "get it."
So, a lot of new tools here. I'm learning how to use them. Things are definitely a lot better. Sometimes I need the reminder that things really are different for me today. It works if you work it. Every day I do my best, and that's all I can ask. Today, most days, I actually believe it when I say that, too.
Thanks for sharing the contrasting views on the different ways you handled it. It may give me ideas how to handle those drama situations that come up in my life. I'm thinking one day I should do this too to help me see how I've made progress where more progress can be made.
I love seeing progress in people around here because it gives me hope for my own progress.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am amazed at your progress! Thanks for sharing this. It shows how hard you have worked and how far you have come with this crazy disease! I admire you for all your hard work. You sure have shown how the detatching with love and work and how a person takes care of themselves. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Count myself lucky not to have had your experiences, my A (my daughter), has been sober for 5 years. However, some of the behaviour recurs from time to time - especially the drama/crisis bit.
I find it so hard to say no - the basic format is that she encounters some emergency or other which requires me to drop everything and run to her aid.
You are doing great, if you can respond as you do, maybe I can buck up my act, and learn to say NO - and mean it!
Thank you for sharing this, you right about your As, their paths will lead them to where they need to be, hopefully, they might hit rock bottom and start their own recoveries one day soon.
