The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life is a package deal. It is not enough to look at the parts we like. It is necessary to face the whole picture so that we can make realistic choices for ourselves and stop setting ourselves up for disappointments.
Living with alcoholics many of us coped with an ever shifting situation in which our sense of reality changed from one minute to the next. We adapted by takign whatever part of reality suited us and ignoring the rest. Again and again we were devasted because the reality didnt go away just because it was ignored.
Our lives will remain unmanageable as long as we pretend that only half of the truth is real. Thats why sharing is such an iportant alanon tool. When we share with other members about what is really going on, we cut through our denial and anchor ourselves in reality. While it may be difficult to face certain facts, when we allow ourselves to confront them, we cease to give our own denial the power to devaste us at every turn/
Todays reminder------- I cant cope with something unless I acknowledge its reality. When I am willing to look at the whole picture, I ctake the first step toward a more manageable life.
I know for myself, I pretended everything was ok,,keeping this horrific secret within the walls of my home. Walking on eggshells daily,,what mood would the A come home in tonight? Would he be angry,,,would he be somewhat "normal"? Questioning constantly,,did I do something to make him drink? Didnt I make a good enough dinner,,was the house not clean enough,,,do I not look good enough to him? Beating myself up for years, blaming myself for years. Going to alanon and sharing my feelings to those who understand and those who have been right where I am, was such a relief, such a tension reducer, I started to feel "human" again. I am slowly becoming who I used to be,and becoming a person I could be proud of, and I want to become my own role model, so therefore,,I must become the best I can for "myself" and no one else...............................................
Sometimes I wonder. My A used to complain, "I'm doing the best I can" Unfortunately my reply was terrible, "Well then your best sucks!"
I just couldn't see the justice of me working two jobs and then after being up for 30 hours, having fallen asleep at the wheel driving home, how I was expected to stay up and watch the kids in the morning. Then I'd get yelled at for falling asleep. I mean, I literally had dropped my infant son because I fell asleep holding him from sheer exhaustion.
How can someone who's best is they need 8 hours of sleep or they believe they can't function, then complain about someone who has had zero sleep? Yup these are past build up resentments. They clog my recovery like plaque on artery walls. Your comment about doing your best just triggered that memory for me based on my old terrible and possibly abusive reply.
I thought I was doing my best. Giving my all, literally risking my life and unfortunately the lives of other drivers on the road, to provide for my family and pick up the slack as well. I don't know if I was supposed to just go to sleep and let the kids run around or what? I mean what do you do when you tell someone you can't stay awake and they say, they can't either? Maybe my best would have been to put my foot down and refuse? Maybe my best sucked.
Sheesh, I've taken this on a tangent.
Maybe it's the perfectionist in me. I often feel I could have done better. I sometimes feel I've done my best. I think many times I need to mind my own business to someone elses best. I just don't know how to do that when it means you have to pick up all of the slack.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
This reminded me of playing with a full deck too :) Sometimes I feel like I am not playing with a full one but in life we need to play the hand we have been dealt. Everyone seems to be given a different hand when dealt and we need to find the gratitude in what we have and make the best of it. For some reason your post stuck this analogy in me. It took me many years to come to this acceptance instead of complaining that someone had a better hand than me. :) cdb
