The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
No matter how far along in recovery with Alanon one is, it still stinks when one had hope for the A and then . . . the alcoholics do what alcoholics do. Lie, hide, drink . . .
I still feel all the feelings you alluded to in your post. But I try to not react to the A. I try not to engage the A. I try to feel the feelings, go to a meeting, call a friend, take a walk, take a bath, read Alanon literature.
I am doing better with knowing what my boundaries are and enforcing them! Even when I am mad and sad and scared.
One thing I want to remind you of is it's ok to have feelings. Stuffing feelings is one of the ways both us and our A's get to the place we have been or are at.
For me, not getting angry is something I need to work on. Man did I get angry today and then I lashed out. First thing I need to do is not lash out. That is exactly what the disease wants. It wants you to make the A feel like a turd because the disease knows that the A will only turn to booze to deal w/ their feelings.
Second thing is if I'm working my program, I'm less likely to get angry. I find able to not let my A affect my mood as often.
It's not about not feeling, for me it's about changing my perspective and behavior, to learn to life a healthier life with or without my A.
Who knows, I may end up divorced as well, but these patterns need to be changed or I'm bound to repeat them. For me, continuing to live like this with or with out my A is not an option.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
He is drinking again and lieing about it. Remind me that I am not supposed to search for the bottles. Remind me that I am supposed to live in ignorance and allow him to believe I am fooled. Remind me that I am not supposed to be angry that he has broken his promises yet again. Remind me that I shouldn't care he is a liar and untrustworthy with no honor. Remind me that anger does me no good and does not solve the problem. Remind me that I have my plans to divorce him as soon as I get the business sold. Say something to make this situation alright.
Wish I had words to make your situation and all our situations alright....but I don't.
I am one who believes anger has its place, in that when I get angry, it helps to motivate me to change the things I can.... myself, my attitude, my plans, etc. If I can take my anger and put it to good constructive, purposeful use, then I think I'm doing good. I've gotten alot of weeding done out of anger, and some much needed housecleaning too!
I do care and get upset when my qualifier picks up that bottle again after a week of not. I care because I love him. I get upset because I love him and wish for better for him. I can't cure or control or change it though. I don't have to pretend to him that I am fooled, that I don't know what he is doing to himself. I try to be open and honest about that with him, without nagging or telling him what he needs to do. In our case, I know he knows already what he needs to do and its up to him to do it, not me. I can't recover for him, I can only recover for me.
My being angry and getting upset hurts me if I don't take those feelings and process them in a good useful way. Those feelings certainly aren't going to change him, but maybe they'll help me to change me so that I don't have to keep feeling that way, so that I can feel better about me and my life, regardless of what he does. I have bad days when I get overwhelmed with these feelings, when I'm just so tired of feeling them once again... glad we're able to come here and share, to find support, to be told "this too in time shall pass", to get a glimpse of knowing that it'll get better if I just keep working on myself.
Thank you for sharing. Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I HATE THIS DISEASE! I am so sorry you are going thru this again. What frustrates me as that I can pick up my "bad Partner of addict" behavior as fast as he can become a full-blown substance abuser! It is easy to practice "good alanon" behavior when the A's are being good as well. no one said it was gonna be easy--right?? take care- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
