The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess it shouldn't surprise me, things getting worse. It's been a while since I posted. I should have hung around here more, but the kids and I have had a real bout of sinusitis and everything has hit the fan.
My a hubs has continued getting worse and worse, he stays in the little town where he works and basically goes to the bar there 6 out of 7 days, after work and on the weekends. Sometimes every night, sometimes he actually goes a couple of nights without the booze but those times are now few and far between.
Our two boys, ( almost 14 and almost 12 ) and myself are always doing the walking on eggshells thing, it's got to where I feel, well I'm feeling sick and I'm feeling like I'm starting to almost hate the alcoholic sob, it's getting harder and harder to separate the disease from his actions because they hurt so much. I know I'm not doing the right things as far as alanon goes, I'm not separating his drunken actions from the person himself, and letting his behavior get to me. I don't know if I can do it anymore. Things are also worse because our oldest son has irritable bowel syndrome and now with the sinus thing it's worse. He's been out of school since about the second week of October, and is now in an online school program through our county system. He will still be going back to regular school as soon as he can, and the teachers will integrate him into the regular classes as much as they can. My son is doing well with the online work, my husband thinks it's crap. this past weekend my a stayed home on Sat and Sun, even for the Greycup game ( here in Canada our football finale ) I can't tell you what a nice weekend it was. He told me Friday morning before he went to work that he would be staying home sober on the weekend as he was working on a "new resolve". We all enjoyed the weekend, even hubs. Then yesterday, he arrived home about 7 pm, with paper bag of beer in hand, half in the bag already, and said, well it's not what you wanted to see, is it? things went from bad to worse. We had supper, that was ok, but natch I had to sit and listen to all the daily crap that he dishes out about his work day, normally I don't mind hearing about his work, in fact I enjoy talking about it when he's sober. But then- he started yapping at my son with the ibs, as in, please, please go to school tomorrow. Any reason you can't go to school tomorrow? A little gas, puleeze, you can deal with it. ( hubs also had stomach aches in school, I know, but I do know they could not have been as bad as our son's, but in any case he thinks it makes him an expert on it ) He kept on, you could have been back in school for weeks now, pleeeze go back to school tomorrow, it's so important. You go tomorrow now. and on and on an on. I went to my son privately and told him I'd try to talk to his dad in the morning, etc. not to try and wrap his head around it now. Believe me, I KNOW how important it is for him to get back to school, it's on my mind all the time, and I know how much happier my son will be when he gets back to "normal stuff", we have talked about this lots. Anyway, as you may or may not know, depending on what you know about IBS, is that stress is a huge part in it. Both my kids are so stressed now it's terrible. My younger son is depressed, we talk about that a lot, and I'm getting him some help for that. We all three see the most wonderful Doctor locally who knows a great deal about alcoholism and it's effects on the family. Back to last night, after a point the boys went outside for awhile and hubs really lit into me, apparently it's my fault that my older son isn't in school yet, I'm not even trying to get him back to regular school, etc etc he said it's because I just love the kids so much, I guess he feels it's the overprotective thing and I'm too easy on the kids. Hell! I want our kids to be healthy and live the most normal lives they can! Hubs has no idea what really goes on with the online classes, my work with the school and school board to get my son back in school. He has no idea what pain my son goes through during the day, and how hard he is trying to deal with it. My son wants to get back to school, he wants to be "just regular" again. Who can blame him? Anyway again, my a kept at me, at me, at me, I started to cry and natch he made fun of that again. I said I would be more than happy to talk about the problems the kids are having, when he is sober. He really thought that wasn't much of an idea, because he's "too soft and reasonable" when he's sober. I told him that made absolutely no sense, but I'd be happy to talk tomorrow. Nothing pleased him. I even had the dreaded drunken sex with him to keep things at bay. And that really ticked me off, he's stopped respecting my boundaries about that, which he was good about for years. In a nutshell he more or less said he just can't stand it at home when our son is home sick. And things won't get better till son gets back to school. Reminding me again it's all my fault. He also accused me of stealing money from his pants pocket this weekend, well I did pick up a twenty that fell under the bed. Damn rights I did. I did not go into his pockets. Now doesn't a person feel romantic after all that crap!!!!! I don't know how I will approach this "problem" this morning when hubs gets up, he's going to go in to work late because he wants to get our farm tractors ready for winter before the snow flies. Now I have to deal with him in some way about my son not going to school today. I know that the kids and I have been awake half the night from all this crap last night. I am honestly thinking I may have to make up some story about my oldest son needing to go into town regarding his schoolwork. I have never, ever done this before. I don't know how I'd go about it because I don't want my son to think I'm lying to his dad. I may have to be very vague. This is just too crazy, gone way too far. I know that my a will say to me " oh, of course you have a reason ****** can't go to school, what else is new? " and he'll be all pissed off. What my son needs is his dad to be home sober for him and help him get psyched up for school, that in itself will help his stomach problems. I've seen it work before ( son had flare of this three years ago as well ) Hubs has no idea how much stress the drinking is affecting our health around here. The kids and I have talked about maybe it's time for Dad to go stay at his brother's house ( hubs brother is single, lives alone and the bro and hubs are very close ) until he can get himself sober. We have talked about this before and now as a family minus Dad, I've about come to the sad conclusion there is no other way. Even my most wonderful Christian Doc feels it is probably the only way. I've told the key people in my life what might happen, they all know hubs is an a, so they are not really surprised, and they are supportive. I am worried about the timing, with Christmas and all, I'm afraid hubs will go nutty and blow every penny he makes on booze and not bother with us at all. I can't afford to pay all the bills at this point, my part time work has been feast or famine, right now it's famine. Our boys know that if Dad stays with their uncle, they will always be able to spend time with their Dad, as long as he is sober. The kids I think, well, I know, they can't stand this madness anymore. They have told me Dad should have had his butt kicked out long ago, but they do love him dearly. And hubs definitely loves the boys, and me too. I've been up half the night crying and praying, my electrolytes are really bad, I feel like crap. I am sorry for such a long post, but I really had to get this out.
So hard it is for us when we are in the midst and hold of the disease. Holding onto and helpling the children understand that we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it is one way that I've coped during the hardest years and still use today when my thinking wants to wander in the wrong direction. Seeking the solution instead of focusing on the problem also kept me better focused, although there are certainly those days when we even slip off our wagon. I do know that I have learned that I have to be careful about making excuses for my behavior and decisions based on whether what the alcoholic is or is not doing right. After being apart from my last a for the past three years, I've been better able to see my issues more clearly. Sometimes, what helps us the best, is to accept the possibility that our a's will never choose to change (not to indicate that we should ever give up on hope), and learn to live our lives according to that possibility. There are many choices available to us.
One day at a time... and many times just moment by moment....
1. Write all the things down that you wish were different
2. Cross out the things that are beyond your control
3. Ask God for help to change the things you can
It might help to write a list of possible solutions for the things you can change. Write the pros and cons of each solution, then identify the best solution for you and your kids.
This seems like a lot of work, but I did it myself when I asked my active husband to leave the marraige. By doing this list, I was sure that I made the best possible decision based on my own research. It also helped me to stick to my guns when all was said and done.
Loving an alcoholic can be rotten at times, but through alanon we discover that we are not powerless. We have choices, the freedom to make them, and the love support and understanding of a HP to give us strength and guidance.
When I feel totally out of control, I get busy. When I get busy, I get better.
Good Morning! What a strong bunch we are, I mean us that are in relationships with A's and addicts. I have found myself going through similar battles with my A, it seems it is easier for him to point out all my parenting errors and faults then for him to take his own personal inventory. We did seperate this year for just 16 days, but when he returned home, he went on and on about how he could control his drinking, that lasted from October 16 through November 13th. When he returned home on the 13th (he had left 24 hours earlier to go snowmobiling) I didn't really have anything to say, I have said it all. I have over the last year, set clear boundaries when it comes to the kids still living at home, (mine from my first marriage 14 & 18) I put a stop to him nit-picking at them. Anyway when he returned home, he looked so defeated, he looked at me and said he had his last drink. Today is day 23 days of him clean and sober. I guess I am sharing with you to let you know that boundaries work. If your consistant, and you use them to help and protect you and yours and not to manipulate your A. When I got to the point of asking my A to leave in October. I simply said, "we need to talk" he said "about" I said "you need to leave" ...... He very quietly packed and left. I was surprised. However I work at a treatment center and one of the counselors told me, that in his drinking days he always knew when something like that was coming. Hang in there. Be strong. Work your program. It really does work. I don't know if my A will stay clean and sober, but I do know what I will accept in my life and what I will no longer tolerate. He knows too.
Aron