The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really needed to talk to someone, and my sponsor is not home, I can't find my phone list and I am feeling really down right now.
I remember growing up, and the holiday season was my favorite time of year. I loved to give to my frineds and family, so I did alot of it growing up (a born codependent ). I remember at a young age being asked what I wanted for Christmas and I remember saying nothing, I just wanted to give.
Well my "A" was supposed to go to Alaska and crab in October. He promised me that the money he earned I could use to buy a car, any car I wanted. So I did research, and finally decided on a Kia Sportage, I was going to be able to get a brand new one and with all the options. Well, with the rationalization of the crabbing season a whole bunch of people lost their jobs, he was one. We thought he would still be going, there was a chance, then that fell through.
When that happened I thought okay, I don't get the car, but we will be okay we will be together. Well the "A" isn't working, he can't claim unemployment because he was in jail and in a treatment center last year, so he didn't work enough quarters to claim it. We were able to find a light at the end of that tunnel. Since he is not working, I can put him on my health insurance and he can start treatment for his Hepititas C. (He got a bad tatoo years before I met him) Without this treatment he will die, so we got the ball rolling for his treatment. Once he starts that he may get too sick to work for a while.
Why I am I in a bad place? I am so tired of trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. We barely get by on what I make, and the car we have is in bad shape now, he finally told me how bad, whoever said ignorance is bliss is right. I knew the car was going down hill, but I had no idea how fast. When he said he couldn't go to Alaska, I thought well ok, the car we have is ok, not that bad, and will keep us going. We were looking at the new one to cut back on gas consumption and our current car has a ton of miles on it, I think almost 300,000.
I am so tried of the struggle. Tired of the fight to move forward in life and then get kicked down. I am so tired of hoping for something, then have it fall through. I didn't realize until tonight just how much I got my hopes up for the new car.
I work for a non-profit agency and I love my job, I love what I do, but I am so frustrated with being so broke all the time. It is frustrating to be helping people who are basically in the same financial place as I am and not being able to help myself. I honestly feel like a failure.
I just feel knocked down and kicked right now. I guess just once it would be nice to be able to want something and get it.
I know what I need to do. I am off to make a gratitude list and read my alanon literature, and pray.
Thanks for listening to me whine
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
First of all,((((((((((supportive comforting hugs)))))))))). For ESH I think of the HALT,,,,for checking out which one is out of sync for you now. The H for hungry,,,,A for angry,,,,,L for lonely...T for tired. When those get into balance we feel better and can cope better. Going to your alanon books and posting here was a great way to take care of you. I can really feel you pain and disappointment. A car with 300,000 miles is one old car, unless it has a rebuilt engine. I am not sure I look for the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I try to live in the moment and take on breath,minute, hour or day at a time. What is the light at the end of the tunnel anyway? I guess we are on a journey and what we do with that journey is up to us. Now, if I could only take my own suggestion. LOL Venting here helps me so much and YOU are not whining! You are taking care of you! Trying to have no expectations helps too. Just think, by the next time you can get that car, it will be a brand new model and newer too and the one you wanted will be outdated LOL. There may be some cool new colors you will like better :) Just trying to think positive. I have done that in my mind too about a car LOL. I am so sorry about the Hep C, that is a tough one, for both of you. Keep on reaching out and do what you can to take care of you. xoxoxoxoox ((((((More hugs)))))) cdb :)
Hi Dolphin sending you lots of sunshine from Australia hope this puts a bit of light in your tunnel. Sounds like you are doing it pretty tough right now. Surrender to Hp ask Archangel Michael for some help as well. Luv Leo x
Sure hope your reading and gratitude list has helped restore some semblance of sanity. Just wanted to share with you that a few years back when I thought that the "light at the end of the tunnel" was a huge freight train coming to run me down that in time I came to find that it was just a small train passing by... that indeed the "light at the end of the tunnel" still existed and that it was just distorted by my fears and lack of faith at that moment. I would encourage you to hang in there.... continue to rely on your HP for what you need. Tough times can be the very thing that strengthens us the most and helps us to understand that fear is something that can be dealt with.
Hey Dolphin.... I hope, on that gratitude list you wrote out, that you had the fact that you are grateful for the growth you've had in Al-Anon..... Your post exudes this growth - yes, you had a "down day" (or longer), but the cool thing is, you KNOW what you need to do, for you, to renew your spirit. You know what you can fall back on, to help you out of your hole. And bottom line, you know that if you are fretting too much about the future, that your program brings you back to "one day at a time"....
I always quote a friend of mine, whom I met through my ex in AA, and he is now gone (died of an overdose, unfortunately, at the tender age of 40)..... Gary told me once: "the difference between you (Al-Anons) and me (AA) is that when YOU have a bad day, you know that it is just a bad day, and there will be better days ahead.... Whereas when an addict has a bad day, we think the world is caving in around us, and it will not get any better."
I love that quote, and it reminds me of how, when we are sick, we revert to headspace that is much more like the addict's...... When we get ourselves healthier, we get back to healthier thoughts....
I hope you are moving towards that healthier place today...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sounds like you did everything right for you by posting and reading. You recognized you were in a bad place and made an active decision to change it. That's what's cool about this program it teaches us that if we don't want to feel lousy about our lives anymore we can make up our minds to change our perspectives and attitudes. It doesn't always mean we get what we want. I feel you on the helping others and never feeling like you have enough $$$, time, or energy to give to yourself, I work in non-profit too. For half the year I felt like this, then I made a decision to start looking at other agencies that may not give me the $$$ but gave me the time. I feel better about not having so much dough, I do the best I can... I know my profession is one that is much needed. God didn't just make anybody for these jobs he picked special people who have the love and compassion in their hearts to do the job everyday for very little. Keep hanging in there, prayers will be answered in good time.
(((((Hugs to you)))))
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
). I remember at a young age being asked what I wanted for Christmas and I remember saying nothing, I just wanted to give.