I've had a rough time this weekend. Up and down. Like a trainwreck to be honest. I went away for thankgiving to my family's home in the Poconos with my two step sisters and my parents.  Before I left,  my car decided to smoke and overheat (an hour and a half before takeoff) and I had to call my A to borrow his car. It was the last thing I wanted to do. He loaned me his car  and I went and met my sister and her boyfriend in the city and drove with them. The rest of the family was there. all of them and single me.  My A and I and my stepdaughter spent alot fo time up there. The past three Thanksgivings we were up there with them. The first 18 hours were horrific, every five minutes I was about to burst into tears. By Sat, I was coming around. By the time I left I was feeling stronger.  I had to call him about returning the car. I didn't return it that night because I was exhausted but I called him...every time I had to deal with him it was a round of questions on my part.....God, old habits die hard. Why do I continually do this to myself? Why do I take it so personally? Why do I not realize how sick a person he is? He has always had this problem, it is a part of his addiction. I have caught him in other situations but never had actual proof. Why this was so much different than the other times, I can't tell you. Maybe it was the realization that although he claims "he wants to change" I have not seem evidence of it. He knows he's sick, its a "behavior" and that he knows that he's wrong. He knows he lost the best thing....yada yada yada.

Today I was stronger.. We do have unfinshed business with the bills and stuff...i will concentrate on what is my responsibilty and allow him to continue his. Until he pays off the bills they're on him, I can't assume it, it would drown me.  Is it terrible that I am not running to the attorney? Is it crazy that I want to wait until after the holidays? Is it crazy that after ALL this I still feel for him?