The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok for a long time - I stopped listening - I stopped hearing what God was trying to tell me. For the first week and a half that I had been apart from my A - I went to God. I sat and meditated and prayed and followed my heart in the decisions I was making. It felt right - He was with me when I called my Ex the first time after we broke up and I felt safe in my conversation. I completely believe that he led me to calling him the night my Ex was bottoming out sleeping in his car - something just felt wrong that night and I had to call him back. And then I stopped talking to God and started talking more to the Ex. Thats when things started getting unmanagable again. So I am talking again - and trying to listen. Trying to make this a huge part of my everyday life.
I started to talk again yesterday and started to feel calm again. God will lead me in the right direction and I cant control that. I love my A unconditionally - and I have to have faith in the fact that he did too but couldnt live up to the life change that would require him to have a future with me. Turning to drugs is NOT the answer and I pray that he will find his way back to sobriety and back to the person he really IS, not the person he just accepts is the person he thinks he is.
But one day at a time I am learning that I love myself - I really havent for the past month AT ALL. I didnt want to live my life - I wanted to stop it all and for the past month I did. I screwed almost everything up and stopped doing important things that I NEEDED to do. There is SOOOOO much I have to do and its going to take me at least a month to catch up. But I'll get there - and I will stop doing stupid things to myself. I dont know if it is the anti-depressants talking or if I really am doing the right things for myself.
I love my A from the bottom of my heart - purely, honestly, unconditionally - and God will lead us back together if and only if it is right for us. Hardest thing I realized is that the person I thought was the ONE - cannot be a part of my life, not that either of us dont want to be a part of each others lives - we just cant. Acceptance of that is not easy.
I'm not good at it every day, but I'm finding the more I listen, the more that I find god talking to me. It's all in the small stuff and the details. Those little co-winky-dinks (coincidences) that are unexplained. A breeze that passes over me at the exact moment I'm thinking or praying about something, I leaf fluttering down right in front of me, a song that comes on the radio that says just what I need to hear, a silly road sign. So many things.
As I stop just brushing it all off and really paying attention, I finally believe that I hear my HP talking back.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
