The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This may end up being a string of complete stream of consciousness...but here goes...
There are so many different things going on in my head at any given moment:
1. Why did he do it? Why did he start doing pills or whatever else he has chosen to do in addition to the pills? Was it because he couldnt handle a life that was GOOD - that he didnt think he deserved it? That he couldnt handle me not moving closer to him and starting this new business? That he couldnt handle the responsibilities of being a full time dad to a 5 year old son that he begged for custody of from his ex-girlfriend? Why did he start hanging out with this girl after I left him? Because he missed me- because he moved on that quickly-because she is associated with his drug world (which she is)? Why did he stop caring about his son? Why did he stop caring about me?
2. Where did my life go? Why did I invest so much of my time and effort into him? Why are my finances such a mess? Why am I so depressed I cant function 95% of the time? Why is my house a mess - and my entire life? Where did the last month of my life go? I dont even remember it!!
3. How will I find another boyfriend again? I dont want to be alone - I'm a good loving person who really knows how to treat another human being. Why cant I deserve to be married to someone?
4. I made a list yesterday of everything negative I need to focus on when it comes to him, here is what I came up with:
HE IS A DRUG ADDICT - YOU ARE NOT!
HE HAS NO FUTURE - NO BANK ACCOUNT, NO APARTMENT, NO MONEY, NO STABLE LIFE FOR HIS SON
DOESNT TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN FLESH AND BLOOD
BETWEEN HIM AND HIS DIRTBAG FRIENDS (2 FRIENDS) THEY HAE 11 CHILDREN COMBINED WITH MULTIPLE WOMEN AND HIS TWO FRIENDS DO NOT TAKE CARE OF THEIR CHILDREN
IF THE GIRL HE HAS BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH LATELY IS FRIENDS WITH THESE TWO GUYS - SHE IS JUST LIKE THEM AND ISNT WORTH MUCH HERSELF
ADDICTION IS IN HIS ENTIRE FAMILY - AND WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF HIS LIFE
RELAPSING IS ALWAYS IN THE FUTURE UNLESS HE GETS INTO REHAB
HE DOESNT WANT TO GROW UP - WHO IS THERE FOR HIS SON? CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER
HIS BROTHER LOST HIS CHILDREN - (4 CHILDREN WITH 2 YOUNG WOMEN) BECAUSE OF HIS IRRESPONSIBILITY
HE CHOSE TO BE IRRESPONSIBLE WITH HIS LIFE - NOT ME
LOOK AT YOUR OWN LIFE - WOULD YOU EVER BE SUPPORTIVE OF A FRIEND WHO CHOSE A LIFESTYLE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS? DO YOU FEEL EMBARRASSED?
HE CHOSE TO ESCAPE TO DRUGS INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH LIFE HEAD-ON - HE COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY IF HE CHOSE TO BE
HE LOST ME - NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. HE WASNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY LIFE
HE ONLY KNOWS HOW TO HURT BECAUSE HE HIMSELF IS HURTING
Now how can I after writing all this out - and thinking about all this - still be hurting because I havent spoken to him in a week? I'm a totally different person than him - why do I still want him in my life?
thats easy....coz you love him. its not easy. your life is like a mirror image of mine cyn. my "a"s friends have 8 kids between them and hav no contact with any of them. that is a disgrace. those poor kids have drug addicts and criminals as fathers. you said in your message that you wouldnt stand by him unless he went into rehab...well my ex is 24 yrs old and has been in and out of rehab 18 times in 4 years...he's not serious about it. i believe he is only there now because he is homeless. his parents dont want him home because of what he hangs out with. and for destroying me completely. they said i was the best thing that ever happened to him and he threw it all away.
take away the scumbag friends, the pills and drink addiction and your left with the guy you fell in love with... same as me! but thats not reality. im sooo bitter and angry. he hung out with slappers from the area when i walked out on him and they stayed in "our apartment" yes...those whores were in my bed.... their makeup on my towels in the bathroom...etc... i have never had so much pain in my heart in my life.
he swears he was faithful...yea right... i cant believe that. you cant change some1. i was soo stupid and naive at the start thinking if i made him happy and gave him that stability that he would never want that kinda life again. i was wrong! no matter if he stays off it for the next 10 years.. there will always be that day when the monster rears his ugly head..and i cant be there when that happens just wait until he starts staying out all night, not ringing, not calling etc.... ud fall apart cyn..it would give you panic attacks! im full of anger and i swear if those slapers... 2 gils in particular walked out on the road in front of me.. i wouldnt hesitate in running them over in my car! im THAT BAD!!! and he made me that way.
we are all there for each other. if you ever want to talk cyn... im here.. xxxxxx
I practice on the postive on myself. Try making a list of all the good about you, your very own inventory. You will be surprised by all the things you have accomplished in your life. Start with simple things, like learning to ride a bike. It doesn't matter if you did it 20 years ago, they are your accomplishments. You will be shocked. What are you doing for you during this time of seperation? Be gentle with yourself. I find that when I start asking myself why? that I drive myself crazy. Hang in there you are doing great!
I can't even describe how I relate to everything you're saying. The experiences I had with my A are so similar to what you're going thru it's scary! It's precisely because so many of us share similar experiences that Al-Anon is such a great forum. We support each other by sharing these experiences and reminding one another of the steps we can take to make OUR lives better.
There is nothing harding and nothing sadder in my opinion than being in love with an alcoholic. I personally feel like what I fell in love with was the remnants of what was once a beautiful, wonderful person. Unfortunately the more he drank and the more out of control his disease became, the more that person disappeared over time. And the more that the person dissolved then the more that I (and others--such as his little daughter) suffered as a result of his diseased behaviors. I cannot even describe my sorrow at losing him and, yes, I too still struggle with wanting him back even after all of the horrible things he has done.
I had to look at myself and change my own outlook and my own behaviors. I had to let go of him no matter how much it hurt so that my soul wouldn't die, which I felt it was. I had to focus on myself and making my own life better. I had to set boundaries-- which for me meant no more contact, period. This was soooo difficult and it still is because he still tries to contact me even after 8 months of me not speaking to him or responding to him. Like you, I had to ask myself if I would accept this behavior from anyone else? It's sad and it's hard work. But I have to believe for all of us that someday it gets better and we find happiness.
