The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A's mother passed away before Thanksgiving. The funeral was Sunday and after the funeral, of course, we just HAD to stop at a bar. Then once we were home and had walked to dogs he says that he's going out to another bar. I'm disappointed but kind of expected as much. So he comes home drunk - the usual story we are all familiar with.
Well - he has 3 days of of work for funeral leave and is taking today, Tues and Wed. So he's going to take his Uncle and cousin out to breakfast this morning, and last night he says to me that I should take vacation to come with them. I tell him that I really can't as my own boss is just coming back from vacation and there is a new person strating that I have to help train. He says to me - "My mother dies and you won't take off" How very cruel. I took the morning off when we went down to the nursing home when we got the news. Her funeral was on a Sunday but had it been on a weekday I would have taken off to show my support. I helped his sisters set up stuff at the funeral. I ironed his shirt the morning off so it would be nice and crisp. And he says that to me. I guess I know to expect anything but I am always disappointed when it happens. I just thought that it was such a low blow.
Try to remember that he is in pain over this death, and as an alcoholic-- especially one that is active-- he is limited in his capacity to constructively process his emotions. It is the devious disease that makes him lash out at whoever is handy when he is hurting--and in its deviousness it also creates from even the most solemn situation (the death of a parent) a justification to drink. How sad for someone you love to be in the grips of something that powerful.
More importantly, remember that just because he says something to you or about you, even if he believes it himself, that does NOT make it true. Unless you make him your HP, he does not have the power to define your reality.
My "A" while he was working a program once told me that "Hurt people, hurt people". Of course he is going to lash out at you, 1) you are doing what he wants you to do and 2) it is so easy to hurt the ones that we love, we know where those buttons are.
Coming to vent here is such a good thing to do. It is a safe place and we won't use what you say against you.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I recently heard at a meeting about how the A knows how to push those buttons.... Of course they know how to push those buttons, they installed them... How true!!!
Dogscribe, his actions are certainly hateful and cruel, but remember...he is hurting and lashes out, which is a common response for some people under the circumstances. Try to push this hurt aside. I know how it is to be disappointed time and time again.
(((((((((((((((Dogscribe))))))))))))))))) Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
