The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night my finace and I had it out about doing his part around the house. He seems to think that working and being sober is all that is required. He has been sober 20 months and has not smoked cigarettes for 2 months. After 12 years together, I am indeed happy and we have talked of marriage, and I am wearing my ring again.
Its been a long 20 months however. He took antabuse to stop drinking and has not really done much else. Needles to say, he is sober but not in recovery.
There are major communication problems between us and last night was another fight. I suggested he at least look on the web for recovery materials. Then today I found myself looking instead. Yes, I can say enabler, haha. Anyway, I found this group and here I am.
I have read CODA and have the workbook, have gone to alanon meetings, etc. I am most grateful he is sober, but I also know I want to work on me...desperately.
In the meantime, stupid house chores need to get done. I am a graduate student, worker, and cannot do it all! I need some advice on how to approach this.
I have tried splittting chores and writing them on the white board on the fridge...but he blows off whatever he does not want to do and has to be reminded anyway. Its hard living this way, but here I am for now.
Im ashamed to be so upset about what seems so stupid and trivial...yet I do not feel it is unreasonable to want a partner who can help around the house!
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
PS. Sorry for all the edits. I am a terrible typer and went back and spell corrected :P-- Edited by NoworNever on Wednesday 18th of April 2012 04:55:04 PM
-- Edited by NoworNever on Wednesday 18th of April 2012 04:55:50 PM
-- Edited by NoworNever on Wednesday 18th of April 2012 04:56:53 PM
Thanks for the kind replies. Good points were made about following through. This is not the first time we have been in this cycle. I also apprecitate the book titles. I am always on the look out for good resources! Speaking on resources..Nine, I think you misunderstood me. I guess that is the disadvantage of text. When I started surfing for resources, they were for me, not him. I knew I was feeling bad and needed some help. Centering on my feelings and reaching out for resources helped calm me. Thats how I found this site! I also loved the vacuum story. Letting it sit there for a long time on his side -- thats my fiance!! I especially like the idea of hring help when needed. Sometimes money talks! Thanks again.
-- Edited by NoworNever on Wednesday 18th of April 2012 09:07:11 PM
I'm glad you are here. These are common issues in many relationships but of course even common issues are magnified when there is little recovery going on.
My own observation is that some people want to pitch in and work together, and some people want things their own way and to heck with anyone else. If we're with the second kind, then explaining and asking doesn't have much effect. So then we're left with much the same issues as with drinking. We can either:
a) think, "Can I live with this? Is this enough of a relationship, with both people contributing, that it works for me? If nothing ever changed, would that do enough to meet my needs?" If it can be lived with, then the path forward is to detach, zen out, and concentrate on the good things.
or
b) decide what our boundaries and limits are, and what will happen if they're violated. We might say, "I need to arrange a chore agreement that works for us both and for you to carry out your own side of it. If you won't discuss this, or you agree and then just neglect your side of it, I'll have to..." (possible consequences: not doing his laundry, hiring help with him paying for his part, living apart, breaking up). And then we have to follow through. Because stating it all gets us nowhere if we don't follow through just as we said. Chances are huge that they will go back on the agreement to see if they can get away with it. When we follow through, that's the real test of whether they're interested enough in an equitable relationship to step up to the plate.
That's just the way I see it. Take what you like and leave the rest.
This is always a very individual solution I for one just went ahead and hired someone to do the chores that could not/would not be done by myself or partner.
Onnline food shopping, handymen for lawn mowing, laundry drop off etc When he was not forced to do it and saw money being paid to others thenhe decided what he could easily manage.
People who have been drinking for many years have not matured very much or taken responsibility for themselves, or their environment.
Someone else...often us ...the enabler, has taken responsibility in all areas, thinking that our love and caring would help.
There are a number of books which are helpful. From your library perhaps, if you do not choose to buy.
'The Enabler' by Angelyn Miller I like, and there are others on this site who will suggest other reading.
Being grateful that he is recovering, as you are, is good.
But continual work within the relationship will always be ongoing throughout your journey.
In practical small ways? I wash and iron but my husband rolls all his socks, puts all his clothes away...or hangs them up...because I leave them on his bed. He vacuum's his side of the bedroom...because I leave the vacuum on that side of the bed....sometime for days.
The Al-Anon tool of detatching helps so much.
He cooks on a Friday night, but when I was working ....with all the kids home in school, the first one home 'started' the meal.
We are retired but still working it out, often difficult, but a big improvement.
Hey NorN. I know exactly what you mean about him feeling that he "is doing his job" and not feeling like that myself. But think back to when he was drinking, are things better now? How he quit drinking does not matter, that he stays sober does. Do all the chores have to be done everyday? Will the house be unhealthy to live in? I just ask that you think about what is truly important. Yes, dishes need to be done but laundry can wait. I always felt like I was running a one man show until I asked myself what was truly important. The kids needed to be fed and clean, but if the carpet was dirty and no one was drunk, life could go on.
And looking up recovery resources for him without being asked is controlling, not enabling. If you have certain expectations from him you have every right to let him know. And do let him know, sometimes we expect people to read our minds! Something that keeps me in line is "Hands off his recovery. It is his recovery,not mine". And keep working on yours, it will keep you busy enough to stay out of his!
Hotrod, I love that! I am going to be logging that in my memory bank :) What a great way to accomplish the needs without an argument. And it even sounds as if it had positive impact.
"...but I also know I want to work on me...desperately.
In the meantime, stupid house chores need to get done. I am a graduate student, worker, and cannot do it all! I need some advice on how to approach this."
What I learned was "Keep it Simple"...one Al-Anon slogan. Find the shortest distance between you and the front door and when it is time to go to a meeting(s) walk that distance. Step over any clutter you feel compeled to pick up or books you feel compeled to open and read or anything that could deter you from getting out the front door and to the car or whatever assets you have to get to the meeting. Don't do anything other than get to the meeting and for me it was suggested to do 90 meetings in 90 days (suggestion for me...I did 102). I let go of everything and anything that was an anchor to me getting help for me. If I continued trying to fix "her" it would kill me without a doubt and she would continue to drink the poison. Want some motivation? Think of the 12 years you've been doing this and run it thru the definition some of us use for insanity..."Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results". For me there is only one reason to attend to my recovery...freedom from fear and sanity. Keep coming back because this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
I hope you can dive into your program and find lots of face to face meetings in your area. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was amazing! You can't do it all so go easy on yourself! Sending you love and support!
__________________
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