Hi,

I called my sponser tonight, and went and met her for coffee. I don't get to see her as often as I like. Seems I am always running. I told her I would make time during the Holidays to talk with her and she reminded me that I needed to care for me. She said I look tired and frazzled.

I brought her up to speed about what has been going on here, and told her about yesterday and today. She started out very kind. She said I am over tired, have been worried about finances, and probably a little emotional about the holidays. She told me that I am being too cautiouse worrying about shaking him up in his recovery. She repeated to me what my Dad said that it is not my fault that he chose recovery around the holidays, nor is it my fault that he lost his job and was not contributing to the household. She said after telling me there would be no money for bills and then spronging on me that his Mother had given him money for presents. Being resentful is a normal reaction.

She reminded me that I can do nothing about his priorities, nor his recovery. That putting pressure on him to help financially is not wrong, it is his responsibility and she said I should not shoulder the burden to protect him. She reminded me that doing so would be enabling, and if he was going to drink, he would do it no matter what I do.

I told her that he said I need help, that he wants me in a program, that he says I have issues with his Mother. I told her that he said his counselor said I have issues with his Mother and need psychological help, and he said if I do not do it by next week, he and his mother will fight me for the kids. I said I would call counselors on Monday. Okay she got angry. She said Jeannie if you feel that you need counseling, then do it. She told me that if I go because he and his Mother are going to play games, I am enabling him. I am allowing him to tranfer his guilt and inadequesies onto me. She told me either he was lying about what his counselor said or the counselor was a quack. That they could not make that kind of a statement after a few meetings without ever meeting me. She said most likely he was lying.

She reminded me that he is now dealing with the fact that he doesn't have a job, lives with an overbearing mother and has marrital problems without the anestesia of the booze and that it is normal for him to look to put the blame for everything somewhere other than on himself, (and of course mommy).

She reminded me that he himself heard a counselor say I did not need counseling about his Mother, that I needed Alanon. She then suggested we start over with the steps together.

Tomorrow I am going to tell him that I will not be going to counseling, that I will be putting my energy into starting my Alanon program over. I will tell him that I will not accept the blame for his or his Mothers issues. I will tell him that he will somehow find a way to help support this family or suffer the consequenses. I will remind him that while I support his recovery, I need to distance myself from it, that I will not be a whipping post for the two of them. I will also tell him that if his counselor would like to meet me, she can call me direct, and I will be more than happy to speak with her and him at their convenience, but I will not accept anything he says she says as true, unless I hear it for myself, and she has met with me to determine the truth of what he says.

I will also tell him that if him or his Mother, and I will try and refer to her that way, want to fight me for the kids, to take their best shot!

Please forgive the crudeness, but tomorrow, I start fresh; The bullshit stops here!

                                                    Love Jeannie