The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The day started out well. I had done most of the prep work for dinner the night before. Joey wasn't going to the game, so I could cook the turkey in the morning. I had asked my husband if he could come here at noon, since he is coming to dinner, as Joey had to leave and I am afraid to leave the oven unattended with the animals in the house (you never know). He told me he couldn't that he was going to an alcathon at the rehab for a few hours. I said okay, that's great. I made other arrangements.
He called me on my cell at the game around 11 and I asked if he was home already, and he said he didn't go. Said Momsaid Thanksgiving was not the day for "such nonsence." I was taken aback, but didn't say a word it was his business, not mine. He said he would be over around 1.
Called again around 2, I was home and said Mom had things for him to do, wouldn't be here till 3. I said ok. The little guys where getting antsy, they wanted to see him. # came and went at 3:30 he called, asked if I needed andyhting and I said no. He showed up a little after 4. I said hi Happy Thanksgiving, and left it at that.
Dinner went okay till our 4 year old asked if he could sleep over, and he said yes. I let it go for a few minutes and he asked to speak with me in private. We went into the bedroom to talk and he brought out a bunch of the sale flyers from the newspaper. Things had x's next to them. Then he brought out a list from his mother. I aksed what was up, and he said she had made a list of htings we would buy the kids for Christmas that where on sale the next morning. He was going shopping. I asked with what money and he said she was giving him an early Christmas present of money so he could buy these things for the kids. He loves to shop, but htat woman had picked out things the kids already had or where not appropriate for them, she doesn't know them. I tried to keep quiet, but I must have made a face and he asked what the problem was. I said I didn't want to fight, and he said no tell me. So I told him.
I said I am worried about bills, but Mommy is playing the hero again giving you money for Christmas shopping. He said what am I supposed to do, I said get a job. He said it is not my parents responsibility to pay our bills and I said no it is yours. He said there where no jobs, why can't I appreciate the gesture. I said she even is telling you what to buy. Why can't you see this. Then I started crying and said I am drowning here, trying to handle this alone and all you keep telling me is Mommy is making it easier for you again.
Then I asked why he told Ryan he was sleeping over. He had the gall to tell me his Mother told him it would be okay just for one night. I admitt it, I completely lost it. I called him a few names I cannot repeat and screamed "What the h*ll is wrong with that psychotic b*tch! Where does she get the right to make that decision? How can you not see something wrong with this? Did it ever occur to you what that would do to the kids?" He didn't get it. I told him to get out, go home. He then said his Mother told him I would be an unappreciative b*tch about this.
He left and I cried the rest of the night.
He called me this afternoon. Told me he had convinced them to put some money in the bank, so I could pay sosme bills. then he said Jeannie, you need help, you have a seriouse problem with my Motehr. He said he is trying he didn't drink and I ruined Thanksgiving for him and the kids. I told him I can't talk to him right now. That I know he needs to worry about not drinking, but he needs to grow up, get a job and see how manipulative his mother is. He asked if I would call him later and I said no. I told him to please get away from her, please for the sake of himself and the rest of us, open his eyes. Then he said when can we talk. I was in tears and said call me when she dies.
I know I didn't handle things well. I know I was nasty. I tried not to react. I couldn't help it. Drunk or trying to stay sober, he lets his Mother run his life. I don't think I can do this. How can I be supportive. I feel like such a failure, but I cannot do this!
The situation with your A and his mother sounds SOOOO TOUGH! My heart really goes out to you. So you didn't keep your cool yesterday. Frustrating, yes. But it certainly doesn't make you a failure.
Please do something (heck, why not throw caution to the wind and do MANY things ) nice for you today! What would feel good, nurturing, relaxing, loving to you? You deserve the best and you deserve peace and serenity .
Jeannie, your reactions are perfectly understandable, and they are within your right. Now is the time to do something just to pamper yourself, even if just for a few minutes. Go window shopping, have lunch with some friends, invite some friends for a "girl" chat. Take a long, luxurious bubble bath. You deserve so much more than you are getting from both your A and his mommy. You are destined for sainthood. I would have gone after somebidy with a 2x4 before now. Hang in there Sweetie. I wish there were words I could say to make it all disappear, but there are not, so I'll send a tight hug instead. (((((((((((((((((((Jeannie))))))))))))))))))))
With love and concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Sounds so hard, I thank God every day for my mother in law, that's for sure. There are some real witches out there. Looks like his relationship with his mother is just another thing, like his drinking, that is not your problem. All you can do is set some firm boundaries so that her craziness doesn't impact you or your kids more than can be helped, and then give her up. He will have to come to the realization of what she is by himself - the more you speak against her, the more he will feel that he must defend her. It's a no win situation for you, all you can do is stay as far away from it as possible. Don't fall for her games - I think that the fact that she is getting so vicious means that you are getting better, and she is threatened by it. Could be that even HE is getting a little better, and think how that must scare her.
If it helps you at all to feel some compassion for her, you may want to view her with some of the detachment with which you try to view your A. She sounds to me like a sick sick woman, clinging desperately to her sickness. She is probably terrified at maybe someday having to have a normal relationship with others, she probably doesn't know how. Developed all of these crazy behaviours as a way for protecting herself from something, maybe years ago when she was kid. Now, all she knows is to hang tight to her sickness. Think how unhappy and scared she must be, all the time. I have a sister who has some of this type of behaviour, though nowhere near as bad. Another very unhappy person, unable to grab the real joy in life that is all around her, if she could just see it.
Oh Jeannie Honey,(((HUGS))), you did fine! I agree with Diva, you are certainly in the line-up for saint-hood!! I'm still rootin', and praying for you Hon. If all my prayers for you come true, your life will be so happy!!!!!! Love Ya! TLC
We all say things out of frustration and as I said to you once before there are 3 people in this marriage not two. Your A's Mum enjoys playing the little games with you. She would be actually feeling she is winning the competition because she has her baby boy back home with her. It probably suited her to get rid of him for one night and then she would be asking him all the things about how it went if he did sleepover. You know deep down her problem is one of fear that she will lose her son back to you. She will do anything she can to stop that. Cut her out of the equation again and concentrate on the two people who were at the altar you and your husband. Keep your boundaries tell your husband that you are setting a boundary for yourself that you do not wish to discuss anything mildly related to his mother. She is draining you again. Listen to everyone else and go pamper yourself. Jeannie you are a gorgeous person and don't let anyone else tell you anything different. Luv Leo xx
Jeannie you seem so alone -- can you leanon your own family at all? (I know you won't accept their financial aid, but do you connect with them to counterbalance mil)?
) nice for you today! What would feel good, nurturing, relaxing, loving to you? You deserve the best and you deserve peace and serenity 
. 