The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning my A. and I sat down and talked. He said he didn't know where he was going to go (since I asked him to leave). We talked about how it isn't necessarily a relapse in drinking that concerns me, it is his attitude and how he treats me and the kids-esp. the 15 yr old.
The daughter had to go to basketball practice at 10...the A. asked if he could take her. I figured he wanted to talk to her.
He came home, told me he did. Said he told her that he doesn't want to leave and that he believes she carries a lot of clout in the house and asked if she would talk to me about being able to stay.
sigh...
He asked for two more weeks at home. Get into treatment and see if there is any changes. I agree under that understanding that it just isn't changes he would be making, it depends on how me and the kids feel. This just isn't about him anymore.
We just got done stacking wood and he made a comment about how my daughter told him "good luck changing mom's mind". I told him..it takes me a long time to get to a certain point, but when I am there, it takes a long time for me to change it.
I don't know how I feel about all of this. One hand I'm glad that he is attempting to mend his relationship w/my daughter, but I feel that asking her to talk to me about him staying puts her in a bad spot (which, btw, she told him "i'll think about it.")
Alcoholics will scramble when given an ultimatum. Over time, many alcoholics have learned that sometimes they will get what they want right now, all they have to do is make a promise for the future.
They will make promises, be good, suck up... what ever, but if we fall back on our ultimatum, then the disease is winning again.
Remember, when we set an ultimatum, it is cause WE are tired of it. WE have come to a place where we are changing the things WE can. By faltering, we are admitting that it is "not that bad".
I found the initial seperation VERY hard. I couldn't resist the temptation to call him, but I had set a resolve that he couldn't LIVE with me unless he hit sobriety, not that we couldn't talk. It was easy to make sure that he wasn't living with me, but it was not so easy to make sure that I wasn't having conjugal visits, or trying to manipulate him into seeing my view.
I had to remember that I was setting the ultimatum for MY benefit, not his. I wasn't trying to "get him sober", I was trying to get me well.
My AH did the same thing...and still does. When I asked him to leave 2 years ago, he tried making all kinds of promises, and used the kids as his bargaining chips. Like you, it takes me a long time to get to a certain point (20 years!), but once I'm there...it's nearly impossible to get me to change my mind. I didn't. Two years later, he still does the majority of his communicating through the kids. He's sober now...just under two years...and the emotional manipulation continues. Unfortunately at the expense of two undeserving children who feel torn between 'what he wants me to do' vs. 'what I do' and how he can convince them to sway me, or get me to see his side...in his mind, the ONLY side.
Alcoholics are extremely self serving.
I am always in favor of any alcoholic reaching out for help...sobriety...recovery. I'm also in favor of loved ones of alcoholics doing what they need to do for their recovery...well being...peace of mind. Sometimes the two don't happily go hand in hand down the recovery path - and that's okay. As long as we end up being where each one of us needs to be for ourselves.
I hope you and your AH find where you each need to be...for you...not anyone else. Our gut usually tells us what we want/need. And remember...you're allowed to change your mind as many times as you want. If today it feels right to give him another chance, then so be it. By tomorrow if you again feel like you can't live with him...then that's okay too. Do what you need to do for you. I remember someone saying these words to me when I couldn't make up my mind about what to do next...
"not making a decision today...is making a decision not to decide."
Good for the kid, saying "I'll think about that". Not falling for his stuff, not getting mad and blasting him, just a nice calm noncomittal. If all that comes from this is her getting some reinforcement that she doesn't need to react to others if she doesn't want to, that's a good step right there.
Yes...That was good for your daughter to say"Ill think about it" I too come from or came from an alcoholic home.Both my mom and dad were a's.I am 17 now,but I feel like I lives my whole entire life already.I know how hard it is for your daughter.I praise her for having the courage to even let the a back into her life.I am having some difficulties in that area because I am protecting my heart from hurting again.
Lauren~
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
