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Last week he tells me he wants to stop drinking, etc. Not that I totally believed it but theres always that glimmer of hope some of us still hold on to. Yesterday, I spent the day at my daughters for Thanksgiving and had a great time with family and friends. He was not there. As I am leaving my daughters, he calls my cell phone. He is drunk. Asks how I am, wishes me a happy Thanksgiving. I say I am leaving my daughters house, he responds with "Your daughters house or the mans house who you just f***ed", I don't answer and he repeats it again. I told him never to call me again. Calls me two other times on my way home, I don't pick up. I get home and check home messages. Two of them on there from him. One similar to what he said to me on the cell phone, the other saying how I have ruined his life as well as mine, how he was going to work on us when he lived with me but I threw him out for no reason at all. How he was fine when he was with me but I destroyed it all. Ended the message with "So you know what, f**k you, you said it, you did it all so now you f**king deal with it bitch". All my fault!, all my problem!..bullshit. He was drunker the last message than when I had spoken to him the first time and only about 15 minutes had gone by! What the hell is he doing, sitting in his apartment wallowing in nothing bet self pity, blaming the world (or at least me) for his problems. It's not my fault at all that he is in the position he is in, I didn't make him a drunk, he did. There are times that I miss him, I am human and as some of us do, I choose to remember the good times rather than the bad. They are wearing out though. But little by little and day by day I am beginning to hate the person as well as the disease. And dealing with this crap just reinforces it all.
You are now much stronger than him in your own recovery. Don't let him drain you with his negative energy and spoil the lovely day you had. I would change my cell phone number if you don't want to continue being harassed. Make sure you set the terms about him calling on your home phone ie. if you are drunk when you ring I will not return your call and if it gets worse silent number. Look after yourself first. Luv Leo xx
The disease of alcoholism is so baffling. It turns the best men/women into the worst nightmares!
It affects the victims much like alzheimers, they forget how important the people around them are.
When my husband quit drinking once for 8 months, the first few months were a mess. He tells me now that he was a mess inside. He was so angry, sad, resentful, confused, and it was so much that it leaked out. The attack their loved ones cause it is safe (in their heads) to do so. The have so much intensity in their feelings, and after not feeling for so long, it can freak them out.
I make it through my now active again alcoholic's mood swings by praying, praying, praying! I call my sponsor, I go to meetings, I come and post something positive here, read some literature, and hang on for dear life.
My husband is sick. He has the disease of alcoholism. Baffling, cunning, distructive. He only says those things to you because he hates himself, and wants to justify the hate. If he can transfer those feelings to hating you, then he doesn't hate himself.
This period is hard. Damn hard. In fact, many people don't make it through. Trust me, it will pass. Ask your HP for help to make it through, if you want to make it through.
When my hubby gets crazy like that, I tell him I love him, and state that I do not want to fight. I say I understand how you feel, and I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better. If he keeps acting like a nut, I get the heck outta there. He can be as destructive as he wants, but I am keeping myself (physically and mentally) and my kids safe.
Those blocked up feelings need to be processed, and once they are, he will either seek the bottle, or seek the program, either way, this too shall pass.
Don't take it personally. Ask God (HP) for help identifying the things you can change, and for compassion to remember he is sick, and you want to be supportive.
My husband is still active, but I have never had more peace in our relationship of almost 10 years than I have now.
If I was the one sick, I would want him to do anything he could to stand by me. It is scary enough to go through on your own.
This is my experience. As with anything in Alanon, take what you like, and leave the rest. I hope you get some strength from my experience.
Remember the three C's in times like this, this was not the man talking it was the disease. It doesn't excuse his behavior but it makes it easier for us to accept certain behaviors when we acknowledge and accept it. There are so many times when my A has said horrible horrible things to me. In fact last year he was saying horrible things when I lost my temper and threw the phone which resulted in me going to jail. I now choose not to talk to the disease, only to my husband. You appear very strong as you didn't answer your phone twice, maybe next time he leaves a message on the house phone, when you reconginze it's him you could fast foward and erase so you don't have to subject yourself to the verable abuse. Hang in there.
Wow! I can RELATE so much to your words - i have defiently been there.
I', sorry if he put a damper on your wonderful day - just don't take it personallly, it is the disease not him... this is hard for me to grasp still, as I have control over myself. If I never drank again, it wouldn't affect me in the least. The more my dad drinks, the less I want to, that's for sure! I know he hates me for that too, that my mom & I don't have a problem with it within ourselves.
I made a post the other day cd: Accounting for my work - my A h8s me
I gave him a copy (my step-father) of it to read - my mom asked him what he thought -- he said, "sounds like she has a lot of issues."
He upset me that day, so I wrote about it. His response just made me laugh. I guess part of what I am going thru (w/ having lost my cat recently & 0n the 4th morning he was returned) I was doing a lot of soul-searching & praying of a different nature: it finanlly occured to me, once the cat came back - cuz I knew my faith was being tested but I wanted for his safe return SO DESPERATELY.
I was a neurotic mess those 2 days, cripped - awful, finally on the third day I told God, "I am taking today off... I can't even think about it, I just needed a break". I wasn't even sleeping right/well. Fourth morning, I could fel the despair coming, the neurosis... I prayed: "God, give me a sign cuz I can't take this. If he is to come back or not, either way, I need a sign". Within the hour, a nice woman, had had him over night, fed him tuna & he insisted on sleeping on their bed (& she had 2 lil toddlers). She came outside & was talking to a neighbor (the one to the left of my mom's house, a nice elderly (drunk) man that walks his dogs many times a day.
He told her where I lived & brought her down to the house, my cat was only 2 houses away -- the point was that I had many spiritual lessons over this, not all ppl are bad, I talked to a lot of ppl over those 3 days in my neighborhood, many told me stories of hope, it made me think... maybe there are even more ppl that care, then don't.
Faith in humanity, restored.
There is advice I want to give, we are not supposed to, I guess I can make suggestions - someone already sd it anyway, maybe not to answer the phone after a certain hour or change your # if u really want to just stop talking to him.
I don't know if u are married or not... u mentioned him being in his own apt. My mom kicked her "A" out a month ago - he is lving in the efficiency apt, in the pool house. He has been carrying on affairs for over 15 yrs & gambles.
It is very scary -- they don't know what they r doing when they are drunk -- and then the next day the forget everything they ever said. I asked a friend, how could he cheat? She sd, "It's part of the disease". How could alcohol make u cheat? She asked me, "have you gotten drunk before and maybe done something (or someone) u wished u hadn't?"
Well, yes. So it helped me to understand that aspect of it a little bit, make me more accountable for my own actions & detach & forgive him.
Supposedly our A is going to mtgs: but it is obvious after 5 months he hasn't taken the 1st step, he is dry if at all, he wants to continue "to drink & 'fly'" my mother heard from a mutual friend of theirs (his associate, actually) -- ppl r coming out & FINALLY telling her things. (apparentl "fly" is some new slang for whoring around). Everyone knew about his affair witht his 26 yr old girl (that had a husband & 3 yr old baby that was "the centre of her world") -- but no one told my mom.
He is locked out of the house - I was surprised to see him in here yesterday helping to cook - in 26 yrs of their marriage he has NEVER helped cooked our Thanksgiving food.
He lorded himself around, when drunk called himself "Superman & I can do all of your jobs with one hand tied behinad my back!" He resented me, told me I was (& apparently stil am) unappreciative & tells me I am lazy.
It hurts. For a while it seemed like I was further in my growth thanmy mother but she has managed to uber me, skip light speed to forgiveness over-drive. I don't feel bad about where I am. But my mom sd the other day, "I had a cognitive shift, I prayed & prayed & finally realised, love is a gift.... When u give a gift, u don't expect anything in return, it is given freely. K, that has liberated me, I am free. It is no refelctions on me. I loved him freely. I can let him go (emotionally)." And she genuinely is changed - no longer mad, bothered, hurt ~ truly free.
I told her, "that's great, at different time, u just nvr know what is going to have an effect on us that will help us to shift our thinking."
I married an addict & he blamed me for things that happened to him in his childhood - he blamed me for his 'lack of creativity'.
The disease is insane & illogical. I went to a lot of AA/NA mtgs with my best-friend when she got clean - she went to 3 mtgs many days, mostly just 2/day the first 2 months but she became "addicted" to her program. It does make u become more understanding tolisten to them speak... when they are really opening up core issues... they are so lost, hurt, confused... we all are!
It is no excuse just a way to have some understanding.
What is important is YOU, your recovery from loving the A or A's in your life. I kew about the program 20 yrs ago, I found al-anon while my bestest friend was in recovery - I went to ACOA mtgs too, the seemed to help the most, although my mom isn't an addict or an alcohloic... my grandmother drank & then came home abused her 3 daughters. I could write horror stories from the abuse I heard about from their childhoods over the yrs.
I had to get "over" being mad at myself for having a 19 yr slip in my program. At 18 I thought I "knew it all" & didn't need to go to al-anon anymore. I attracted A's like nobody's business, lived with them, dated them & married one. For 26 yrs, dealing w/ my step-dad - I swear when I found this Board/Site 5 months ago -- I wanted to kill the man, and told him so at least 8 times! I even wrote it in an e-mail. I was raging for at least 2 months & it took a LOT to get over, hating myself & kicking myself for having, this huge slip - when I knew better.
Just shows you how insidious this disease is. But I know now, that I have to read al-anon literature daily, I pray more than I ever have in my life (constantly giving things over to God, freely, willingly giving it up to HP).
All I know is, I was depressed, not living, anxiety, driven, suicidal for 20 yrs. I tried suicide twice.... God obviously has a purpose for me. I am grateful for this place, sharing.
All I know is I want to be happy, I want to love myself. I'm 37 & STILL just learning how to love myself. I loved everyone else BUT me! I was spiritually dying. I was "the perfect host" for these energy & love sucking psychic vampires.
It took me two months to "get over" feeling guilty, even just thinking about myself.
But today I can say, I do have hope for myself & a lil flicker, flame of love for me... I feel like my life is just beginning & I have to work everyday to focus on myself, love myself cuz I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER A in my life -- ever again, I want a healthy relationship, if I ever even have another one again - I will be alone if I am going to be abused... but I would rather get "healthy" in my thinking.
Loving myself is healthy. What are u going to do nice for yourself today?
Something that REALLY helped me in the beginning, when I first came to this God-send of a place 5 months ago was this: 'why think of the A, they aren't thinking of you!'
That was freeing for me.
Your friend in recovery, love, -K
p.s. Keep posting, venting, try an on-line mtg here we have 'em twice a day, it really works when u work it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have been where you are at the moment. It still happens to me sometimes. But thanks to the programme I am able to cope better. I know that as soon as I allow this disease to take my focus I get sick. It is so heard watching our loved ones go down and knowing we can do nothing. It is a helpless feeling.
It is also the most boring thing listening to my a rant and rave and blame me and everyone else for everything in this world. It is sad.
I love my a but have learned to let go and detach as much as possible. I have learned to go out with friends. I do not have to sit with him and be abused nightly as this disease drags him down into his depths of hell.
As I write here he is out. Left a message that he was going to a cocktail party and would call me in a while about going out for dinner. It is now almost 10pm and he just called to ask what was for dinner here. Years ago I would have panicked and tried to produce a feast. Now I just quietly told my a that I had had dinner and that there was nothing cooked as he had not phoned earlier. Hejust then said , well I will go out. Again , that years ago would have terrified me as I was very sick before alanon. I just queitly said 'Yup', put down the phone and am about to go lie down and watch a movie.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
