The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am on a rollercoaster of emotions....I had called a few times. He called back a few times. I had his phone still.....I guess it was my way of controlling him for one last moment. He called for it....I wanted to throw it in the trash as it was the symbol of the betrayal in my eyes. I nstead I drove it to him and left. It is taking every ounce of my being not to call....I need to focus on each minute at this point. I'm scared, and angry. This day was so hard in the beginning. I wound up having a very nice day with friends.....but tonight is hard too.....Trying to be thankful for what I have. It is hard. I know I will come out on the other side....I just want to get there....
Perhaps not the "healthiest" piece of advice I have ever offered.... but if you are struggling in "not calling him for the right reasons" (i.e. for your own serenity and well being), what worked for me was to "not call for the wrong or spiteful reasons".... I figured, that the offending A was feeling VERY guilty and aware of what they had done wrong, and were almost wanting to have it out with us, so it could be (relatively) over and done with.... If you need the help, try looking at it from the perspective, just for today, that by "not calling", you are not putting yourself into a no-win, vulnerable position right now....
I hope you can wait until your frame of mind & reference is better.... when you are stronger.... when you won't let him lead you down a path, where he will twist the facts around to convince you that it is somehow your fault.... etc., etc...
Just my two bits today..... There are many "tricks" we can use, on ourselves, to help us do what we know, in our hearts, is the right thing to do.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know you must be on a roller coaster ride! You got walloped with a big one and I can only imagine the anger and grief. For your own sake I don't think you should do anything right now unitl you can get your insisdes to calm down. That's why you need to get occupied with something - anything good for you (bubble bath, jogging,reading,whatever)- instead of letting almost every minute go toward thinking about what's happened. You probably wish you could just go into a coma and wake up when it's all over but you will, believe it or not make it through this. There are some people who, for religious reasons or just because they don't wish to, cannot divorce and have to find their way through and want to make it work. And some who find they want out. I believe you first need to allow yourself to settle down because it has been overwhelming. Not too long ago I came across a website that I think will be of great help to you with all this as well as this site. It's called Focus on the Family by a Dr. Dobson and although it's based on a lot of Bible, it is full of his professional couple counseling and resources (some with dealing with adultery in particular). I am not advocating or dismissing any kind of religion but his counsel is not necessarily geared toward that end. And I was not seeking how to deal with anything because of my religion. I just found that it gave me much insight and a sort of guidance. If you have a moment today, just take a peek at his marriage section and other links he gives. I know it's hard to see right now, Kim, but you will be alright. And it's just as important, to have a place like here to come to which you will feel to be a valuable source of understanding, warmth and consolation, a place to share, cry and laugh with people who know what living with alcoholism is about. My heart goes out to you. I'll say a little prayer for you and wish you a better day today than yesterday. Many hugs.......jaja
I forgot to say the particular Dobson book is "Love Must be Tough". You can get that one and others of his through his the website (family.org) or amazon books. Also, if you go to FAQ in his website, you may find some answers...jaja
