The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know fear is something that is ruling my emotions these days. I sometimes see fear as an inability to trust God, yet I also see it as a means of protection for my soul. As negative an emotion that fear is, I do believe that it has it's place. It's giving me the confidence to believe that things will work out as God/HP has planned, fear is telling me that I must renew my faith in God/HP, and fear is reminding me that I don't have control(and that's got to be accepted and understood by me, LOL).
Unfortunately, I am still at the point in my recovery where I find myself overwhelmed with the 'what ifs' in life.
What if he loses his job because of this DUI?
What if he does circumvent the law and put the ignition interlock on a different car? Do I report him? Do I get involved and set boundaries ie. regarding driving with our son?
Can I continue to live with someone who is not in a program of recovery?
What if he can't handle jail, the ignition breathalyzer, and all the fallout from the DUI and he snaps? What will be my response? What boundary should I have set in place?
What will happen emotionally with him now that he's choosing to NOT take his antidepressant? And, do I bother to say anything?
Yep, so these are the what if's that I woke up with this AM. It's time for me to take some time for myself, right? I went to a meeting last night, but I think I need another tonight too, LOL! I keep extending some grace to myself. I'm new to this program and I haven't had a relationship with God(or any Higher Power) for quite a few years. I feel emotionally raw and vulnerable but I know that it's a good thing.
Hi I love dogs, when I find myself ruminating about what ifs, I call it stinking thinking, and I shout STOP, or I see a stop sign go up in my mind, I try not to think about the what ifs, because they paralyse us and we lose our control, and feel helpless, I say to myself that the thing I am worrying about hasnt happened yet, so I wont think about it until it does.
Like you I can often find myself lost in the what ifs, and the fear, but then I remember that I do believe in God, and with God we are meant to hand over our fears, and not take them back, I often imagine a beautiful gift box, with a beautiful bow, and I take each worry and fear and put them in the box and hand them to God/HP and ask him to take them, then I always feel "lighter" if the worry comes back I remember that God/HP is now dealing with that and it would be rude to take that worry back on, because I gave it as a gift to my God/HP, I hope this might help you in some small way, I am also a newbie.
Stacie, I actually bought a cheap decorative box and call that my God Box. I put all my thoughts and fears in there. Yes, they still come up and they were pretty strong today, hence the reason I posted about fear today. I do know that I get let the what if's get to me, but a lot of times it's me thinking about preparing a boundary since this is all so new to me. I literally will create a future scenario and say: what will the NEW me say if this happens? It's like I have to create a script so that I can be prepared. I haven't had a lot of practice getting out of my codependency so I write a lot of it down and try to form my boundaries beforehand. I know it sounds silly, but it helps me remember that I can control myself and my response to any of AH's negative behaviors. I guess I just don't trust myself to NOT fall back in to my enabling and accepting bad behavior, so I prepare myself mentally by forming my what if's and telling myself where my boundaries and limits are. Does that make sense?
Yes it does make sense, I guess we have to do what helps us, its all so crazy and chaotic, and confusing isnt it? But now I try really hard not to give up my time to my sons drinking, I spent so many years going over it again and again, worrying, wondering, that I had to find a way to stop the stinking thinking, so I now shout out loud STOP, when I worry I give it to God, and it helps but as you know it doesnt always work.
For me right now I am stuck on the heartbreak and loss, and grieving for the son I once had, and the son I will never have again, and trying to find a way through that awful pain and loss, its a journey I guess, with good and bad roads. but at least we are here now and can all help each other, I am so lonley with all of this, it seems to me that in my world no one understands. So thank God I have foudn this forum.
I will do it with you, as I have a daughter in afghanistan and this week, 2 of her colleagues were killed by a suicide bomber and she is physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I woke up with all kinds of fear... projecting into the future with what-if's, just like you.
I sat to meditate, reminded recently that when I SEEK Higher power, I am rewarded with HP's presence.
Higher power wants me to stay in the day. Just to the extent that I do as I believe HP would have me do - and humbly rely on Him - does He enable me to match calamity with serenity. That's what I gotta do, put it all in my God box. And then, leave it there.
I'll do it with you, ILD ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
ILD - I know you got a lot of feedback on your last post and on other posts to get busy doing as much for yourself as you can. That is part of the puzzle here. When you are consumed with just doing things that are not dependent on your husband and that are true to yourself, less of your happiness and well being will be dependent on him. Hence, the fear will lesson. This also applies to your own recovery program. What are you doing in your program? Are you going to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps? These are all things you would want your husband to do if he was in AA. Are you doing them in Alanon? You can best influence recovery by BEING the example of recovery.
Next, when you find yourself catastrophizing (projecting into the future). You can hit the pause button, tell yourself "STOP!" like Stacie said. You can also say "this is not happening today" and "I just have to deal with today." I used to think it was foolish and unwise to not prepare for the future, however, I now know that emotionally preparing for the future is best done by being as calm as I can be right now.
Lastly, even in the very odd unlikelihood that all those negative things occur that you just mentioned - you WOULD be okay. You would get by with your internal resources, God, and your support system. This is called FAITH. It is a necessary coping tool and not just some relgious mumbo jumbo like I used to think. Even if your husband does "jail time" it might be a lesson he needs. It wouldn't be for long. Furthermore, he could get fired from his job and that may be the secret answer to all of your problems because he would find a better job that stresses him out less. I don't know. And neither do you - so even in the event of catastrophe - good things still happen.
The DUI is history - The other stuff is a mystery.
Here's some standard recovery slogans for ya! (I'm always good for that):
Anxiety is a waste of imagination Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery If you have one hand reaching back to yesterday and one reaching for the future, you have nothing left to hold onto today. 95 percent of the things you worry about do not happen God has not carried you this far to drop you on your ass God will not always give you what you want, but he will give you what you need
Pinkchip, i love your post - as an extreme worrier I know what Ilovedogs is going through all too well and reading your response just gave me a jolt. Thanks for the insight and slogans.
Mark, ugh! You know me too well and you know exactly what I needed to hear today, LOL. To answer your questions: Yes, I'm going to meetings. I'm trying to work the steps alone because I've asked 5 people to be my sponsor and I've been turned down by all of them. I really need to find a new meeting to attend because the 2 meetings I'm going to aren't providing me with possible sponsors. As for what I do for myself: I hike, I play tennis with friends about 4 times a week, and I go to the gym when I can't go hiking or walking outside. I used to be a yoga instructor and I am hoping to get back to going to regular classes once the weather gets hot here, too. I also like to cook and spend time in my yard, I live right next to open desert and I spend time watching the birds and fighting the rabbits that eat my plants, LOL!
That is progress for sure! When I first got into recovery people would ask me what I liked to do and I couldn't answer them. All I knew was drinking and doing whatever my partner wanted to do. You are further along in this regard than you might think. Sounds like you have some good tools and just have moments of getting caught up in those What ifs.
That sucks about the sponsorship thing. Keep asking folks. It's an honor to be asked to sponsor someone. Myself - I would sponsor anyone in AA if they asked. My alanon experience is too limited. I can only tell you how much I love having my own sponsor - The main reason you guys don't hear as much of my daily worries is that it automatically goes to my sponsor - though this is a good place too.
Not much better sharing than you've gotten already! We all have a different way of tackling fear. You hit a key point, fear is protective in nature. It's good to be afraid of a dog attacking you, or a man with a gun. That part of fear is necessary for survival. What we don't realize is that our body senses fear at far lower levels, and after prolonged exposure, reacts to it the same.
I've got a "what if" fear rolling around in my head. For me progress is recognizing when my reactions to it are not helping but I still react. So I got a promotion (happy moment). My ex has been waiting for the day he can get a large sum of child support from me (right now it's small even though I have 60% custody). His chance just happened, he stands to get a solid $500+ per month if he drags me into court. My reactions so far have been:
1. self preservation, only a few people know I got the promotion. I'm ok with this reaction as it falls into the "need to know" selective sharing and that is healthy.
2. Start paying for more stuff to ease my ex's burden and hope he'll be greatful and not take me into court. WARNING!!! DANGER!!! How many things are wrong with that sentence? Over responsibility, controlling him, bartering, you name it.
3. Worry and lie. Eh, losing the energy for those now. I used to lie to my ex about a lot to avoid conflict, now I just figure, at some point he will ask me, I will be truthful and if he drags me to court, OK. Not much I can do about it.
4. Accept that at some point within the near future I will be paying him child support of a large nature. When it comes, it comes. This way I don't have to worry, scheme, lie or fret.
So for me that's kind of my progress and mine is awkward but it works for me. I sleep at night by accepting "possibilities" without predicting "absolutes". And while I will hate to pay him that money, what ever will worrying and fighting it do me? Cost more money, cost more time, lose my mind and probably end up with the same result. Might as well go into it saying "I don't know if this is true, I accept it may happen, if it does I will deal with it then, and trying to prevent it will cause me insanity".
But I still do have those initial "what if's" and desire to be afraid. The first week of my promotion I spent everyday having to talk to myself or "stop" myself. I do the stop sign too. It's not automatic for me but I'm glad after a few years of practice, it comes sooner than later. Hugs
Aloha ILD...the participation with ESH is what recovery is all about. Some times the group makes a good sponsor even though a personal face to face one was for me so healing.
I am reminded of my prior sponsor who recently died who tangled with the "projection of doom" characteristic with me. He gave me lessons on balance in telling me that if I was going to "What if" in order to maintain balance I must also "What if not" and that was such a major practice for me. Eventually I got away from "what ifing" altogether and got into the moment practicing the slogan "Don't (Don T was his name) React!!" I love that slogan and have it as a habit now. Some of the fellows in recovery have said about it to me "absolutely nothing disturbs you" to that I say Mahalo...Thank You.
Breaking Free's acronym for F.E.A.R. is also mine. My head "dreams" up the evidence which I am reacting to with fear so it isn't real. 95% never comes true and the other 5% I just forget about...LOL.
My latest lessons on fear have been with my HP. One of the names for my HP is "Love" and a vivid lesson with HP was about watching a situation that normally would have been very very fearful but wasn't. It was exactly the opposite and my HP asked me how I saw the situation and I replied "very loving" and HP responded, "You're right the absence of fear". From that I learned that FEAR cannot exist where and when LOVE is and the opposite is also true. Another way it has been said here is that FEAR cannot exist where and when HP is and HP cannot abide where FEAR is. It is a practice on all of the steps...our program which is a spiritual one. My 24/7 meditation is "God is"... and there for fear isn't. This isn't a thought process it is a behavioral practice...a walk the talk.
For me if something attempts to worry me and cause anxiety I ask my HP, "How do you see this"? and then I listen. My head will run on its own as if it doesn't need the rest of me sometimes and it always ends up a temporary situation which I don't have to react to.
I can respond better if I give myself 3 seconds between what triggers me and how I choose to respond. I heard in program that it is in those three seconds that I find God existing.
See, this is why I started this thread. I knew that some really great ESH would come my way and I hope that it helps anyone who comes on here to read about fear! What a blessing MIP is to all of us!
I have learned to deal with my fear and anxiety by telling myself- just because you feel afraid, does not mean there is a threat lurking. Or something to that effect. It helps because I am a) acknowledging my feeling and b) staying in reality. Anxiety used to be a daily thing, but now I am learning to put it in its place (in my HP's inbox)!
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
