The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi. i just wanted to share this. i have recently gone back to step one and began again after a year and a half. i thought i would start with being honest with myself. so here goes........
Alone.
I am sick to God damn death of being alone.
I am always alone. Here with you or in a crowded place or on a freeway srrounded by cars. Too many cars.
Always alone.
I feel a rage.
A terrible scary true frightening rage.
I feel it, it is there.
Suppressed.
Keep it down way down in the pit of my soul.
Never let it out.
I am afraid of it.
The rage is fueled by truths.
It is all there and it is all true and I can't escape it and it is there.
I am afraid of the rage.
As long as I keep it down, tucked away neat and tidy and polite, it will stay there.
It will stay there and I will stay here.
I let you creep by sneaky and shiesty.
You creep by and the rage is fueled and in turn we suffer.
You suffer, I suffer, our kids suffer and I let us and I keep the rage there.
There where it can torment only me.
That's not true, it torments us all and I let it and I am ashamed thatI let it.
I am afraid to let it out.
It is ugly and it is true and I am afraid of it, of where it will take us.
I have no doubt that it could and would only take us somewhere better
and I am afraid and I keep it tucked down neat and tidy and I stay.
We stay and I am secure in my fear and I am alone.
Good for you for revisiting step one. I have been in the program now for 8 years, and I still revisit step one, OFTEN. I now have practiced it so often that I even apply it to other facets of my life that I feel unmanageable. (except housework, haven't mastered that, but as I type, I feel the lightbulb go off...lol)
Keep coming back. Keep posting. As you grow, we grow with you.
Hello Mama , well done - some days reality sucks but when living in reality there are n o suprises. When we can truly get honest there is hope we can recover. Honesty with self means to me that I become teachable - love what u posted it is real. Honesty begins with you from there u can share who u really are ( here your not judged) and people understand. When we understand and accept ourselves - flaws and all we can and will recover . As we begin to see where we need to change to make our life better It will happen. Al-Anon makes only one promise To return us to Sanity.
Go to meetings f2f find a sponsor and get rid of the garbage in a safe place , there is always hope for us . As I began to take responsiblity for my part in the mess we called a marriage the anger towards the alcoholic started to ease a little . Hate the disease not the man.
Your worth the effort mama take a chance and allow yourself to become vulerable with those who love you . We have been where your at and u did the first step , reaching out is difficult for us but unless we let people know where were at they cannot h elp us. I love the 3 steps cap gave to you. I can't - He can - Think I will let him. says it all. Louise
Aron