The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, this is my first post and I wanted to post in the form of a dear john letter, I have recently broken up with my partner, who is addicted to narcotics and I am in alot of pain and confused. I hope you don't mind my post. Please bear with me.
Dear John,
Right now I am feeling very sad, angry and confused. I don't really know what to say, but I know I need to say something. One moment I think I miss you, but the next moment I feel like I am so much better off without you around.
I am angry because of the fact that I now realize that I have never really known you. In the time that we have been together you have always lead two lives, one with me and my family and the other one, the drug-seeking one. I am angry because I now realize that you blew so much smoke up my ass blanketing me with compliments and focusing on "us", that you, your past experiences, or anything really substantial that would help me get to know you in any unsuperficial way never arose. I am angry because I forgave you for all the lies in the beginning, and now we are back at square one. I am angry because I am pregnant and you have made me so many empty promises of how you wanted to change your life and quit doing drugs, but never made a move, that I had to cut you loose.
Sometimes I think of your good qualities, and it makes me sad, because I really liked that side of you and saw so much good in you. Of course, those qualities were most evident when you were high, because when you didn't have any tabs all of those admirable qualities went out the window, so I'm confused that I never really knew you.
The lies, the other woman, the expense. My bank account is empty now, and since I kicked you out you went right back to her, who you denied ever cheating on me with in the beginning, but admitted to using her??? Of course she was kind enough to tell me that she knew you loved her, and that she wouldn't marry you or have your kids so she didn't blame you for being with me, since you wanted those things. She also told me when you guys were together, but asked me to forgive you because she believed you cared about me. She paid your freaking bills before I came along, and now you are calling me from her phone, the same way you used to call her from mine when we first got together. Ugh. I'm so disgusted.
I can't write anymore, Maybe I'll add to this later when I can be articulate.
Welcome, and I hope you find great help and acceptance here... Your letter is very telling, and is likely somewhat applicable to many of us here... Unfortunately, if your "John" is still using, you may find that all the energy and emotions spent on all the stuff in there, is effort better spent on you....
In my experience, most A's don't really "get it", so when we pour out our hearts in a letter to them, it falls on deaf ears.
Hope you can work on you, and get yourself healthy
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Your dear John post nearly made me cry...I had/still have those same feelings for my a, who deceived me in the same way as yours, although I wasn't pregnant, thank God! You SO put into words what I've thought all along, and it is sooo heartwrenching to go thru that pain, heartache, denial, love, anger, and every other emotion and feeling that is involved with loving/hating our addicts!
Thank you for your post, it makes me see how I have grown with the help of the alanon program and the love of every one of my friends here!
I can completely relate. Leaving my a as well - never knew he was using - never knew the other side of him. Dont listen to this other woman - she is just another thing for him to "use". Amazing how it leaves us with all the pieces. I really hope you have support and love around you for Thanksgiving!! I would love to talk to you sometime.
Welcome Twopoodles. You have found the right place!
I love your post. I find that writing letters and not sending them help me identify feelings, and help me look at a situation objectively. By doing that, I can sort out what is real, and what I have blown up, and also by putting them down on paper (or message board) I can truly FEEL the feelings. For me, I had put my feelings aside for so long because there was more important things to do. How sick.
Anyhow, welcome. Alanon saved me, and my children. I currently live with an active drinker/user who is not ready to stop using. By joining Al-Anon I slowly (sometimes ever so slowly) started to find a place of peace and serenity, where HIS actions no longer dictate my own.
I hope you are all having a wonderful thanksgiving.
It was good to hear from you all. I am not alone today, I have my son and my mom, and my two poodles with me. The people in my life that depend on me have been such a source of strength in this, knowing that I have to provide a stable, healthy environment for them and that they are depending on me to make good decisions has really given me pause.
I think that my journey will be rocky, but I think I did the right thing (although I probably could have handled it better :)).
I wish each of you a great day and look forward to talking to you more.
