The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so pissed. I was doing the big shop for Thanksgiving this afternoon and my credit card comes up "reported stolen". When I got home I call A at the hospital where he is detoxing and has pneumonia and he says "oops, I cancelled the credit cards when I was drunk last week." Yeah, right... oops. Then I find a LARGE amount of cash. He must have a separate account/stash somewhere. I am sick of these games and hiding and lying. I don't usually post but my anger overcame my shyness. I am weary.
Anybody else have their A sneaking around with fianances?
My A and I started out married life w/seperate finances. It worked for us so that we had control over our own money and deligated certain household bills.
Unfortunately, the A. has run himself into a big of a financial bind due to his relapse. I feel good knowing that I don't have to deal with it.
While it's sometimes easier to post and share when we are very upset and need to vent, it really helps us when we actively participate in Al Anon as much as possible. I'm glad you decided to post today. There's nothing to be shy about. I doubt there's anything you could say that would shock any of us here.
While my A doesn't sneak about finances, he certainly sneaks about the company he keeps. One friend inparticular who's still actively using. My A has not used since Feb except for 2 times. Both with this person. He's not working a program so I expect his use to continue, although this is the best he's ever done since we're together almost 5 years now. My A runs his own tree business and hires this *friend* to climb at times. This *friend* uses him, treats him like crap, is so demanding, complains that $200 a day isn't enough money and how my A should split his jobs 50/50 with him, has to be picked up and dropped off every day, taken to the store etc. On top of all that his wife is an active addict as well and takes all her frustrations out on my A. Degrades him, physcially attacks him, smashed his windshield....just to mention a few things and yet my A will still sneak and bring this man in on jobs. I just found out he did it today. After complaining himself over and over again how the whole family is nothing but trouble and he's so sick of them and on and on and anan. I'm trying not to let this situation rob me of my serenity but I must admit it's very hard.
Sorry for the ramble, but my point is that A's not in real recovery are always sneaking about something. Whether it's finances, friends they associate with, places they go that they shouldn't, whatever. It's part of their disease and sometimes I honestly don't think they're comfortable unless there is some sneakiness and dishonesty going on. Just like an adult child of an alcoholic/addict.........they hated the chaos of their childhood, yet as adults they always find themselves in chaotic relationships or situations. When everythings peaceful and *normal* they feel subconciously that something is missing. They're just not comfortable.
I'm sure it was very frustrating what happened with the credit cards. The program suggests separating our finances from the A's as much as we possibly can. For our own security and protection it is a very smart thing to do.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Like sq my A and I ended up keeping our money separate. I learned the hard way - I opened a savings account with him and once when he got drunk he harrassed the hell out of me until I took out the amount he wanted. So I got my own account and don't share money or credit cards with him.There are some bills I take care of and some he does. He used to be the one who bought our cars and I'd drive them (he uses a work truck but he did use the car when he wanted to) . I wasn't working and had 4 young kids so I depended on him for the car dept. of our lives. But he smashed up each one (they were repairable) while drunk driving. When I started working, I'd squirrel away money here and there until the day came when I could make a down payment on a car all my own from a dealer with my brother as a co-signer. It was MY car! My A could never again drunk drive with a car I needed cuz I had control over MY car. My A's alcoholic ego was hurt because in his gut he knew the reason I bought a car without him. My payments were always on time and soon after I paid off the 1st car, I bought another. I am proud of that.And I will never again depend on my A- or anyone for that matter - for something as important as a car. Forget credit cards! No way would I share one with him. In fact, I don't share any kind of money with him. He's terrible with it and has terrible credit. Much better for me to not get involved in too much money stuff with him....jaja
Thanks to everyone who replied. It really helps. Get separate finances... DUH! Before relapse he was sober nine years and I never had to deal with money and trust issues. It's quite a shock how much my life has changed in recent weeks.
I guard my banking & other financial passwords like a champ, have complex passwords, installed a door lock on my bedroom door -- all to ensure that my wonderful adorable alcoholic daughter doesn't ruin my finances. (Actually, I don't think she's drinking much lately. Now she's taking uppers.)
