The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just came back from a crying jag with my therapist. I have reached the inner circle of hell in the past two days...not sleeping, not eating just meandering through a thousand thoughts of "WHY". There is an answer. He is an addict. There is another answer. Because I am co-dependent. Although a large part of me says that this is unacceptable....a small voice inside me(my own disease) says...."well, maybe I can forgive this".....It is a sick thought. I am in so much pain. His apologies mean nothing. every word is a lie and still I look for the truth. I am sickened....in my soul, in my heart. This is not love. But I hear the voice say, "but, myabe...after all he said......"...I have to fight that voice. Every minute is a challenge. Today i had to fight not to go up to that hospital again to torture myself.....I drive past it and it took every ounce of me to say NO! to that voice. I did it. I called once. He called I answered. This is a battle. One in which (I hope) if I win I will win myslef back in the end. Thank you all for your outpouring of support. You have no idea how much you all mean to me.
As a fellow sufferer of a relationship ripped to shreds by this disease, I read your posts and really feel for you. I'm also struggling too with just trying to get by. Asking myself useless questions like 'why?' We can't control other people and we can't get them healthy. Sometimes I'm just so angry at myself for being who I am, being an alcoholic, never growing up, hurting my wife unintentionally over the years, not being stronger right now..... I could keep going. Then sometimes I'm so angry with her for not seeing all the positive stuff, giving up on me when I got sober, pushing the divorce through, holding on to anger, not detaching, not forgiving... Basically not working a program of recovery.
I just pray that there is something positive for both of us waiting on the other side of this pain. When things get real shitty for me, and I break down and cry, I try to look at it like this. The pain I'm in is like the burn you feel after running or working out. It hurts at the time, but it's only because it's making you stronger.
And that's a good thing.
Hang in there, take care of YOURSELF, and have a good Thanksgiving.
It's for those little voices..... that we so desperately need to journal.... If we write down our true thoughts and feelings, that are very real, when we are having them..... Then when we are in our weaker moments, and we stop seeing the "whats" of our situations - we can go back to our journals, and be reminded of OUR reality.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are doing well by yourself by going to the therapist and getting it all out. And for even realizing that there is something to fight for, you!!! A lot of people go through life not knowing they are worth fighting for so be proud of that. You deserve all the happiness in the world, Kim. Just remember that and try to care for yourself, one minute at a time.
