The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been married for 13 years and have 3 and 5 year old little girls. My husband is a binge drinker and a pot smoker. He has been in a 12 step program since July 2011 when I found out he drove drunk with our daughters in the car and told him I'd reached the end of my rope. I knew he was going to continue with this behavior and I had no control over it nor did I want to try and even control it. I felt he had backed me into a corner and I've got to take care of my children. They WILL NOT live in a home where this is normal behavior. Anyway, surprisingly he broke down and started getting help. In December he left for a week or so and relapsed. I recently found out he has been getting high again (Smoking pot) after looking me in the face for weeks denying it. He left last Wednesday morning (the 28th) and hasn't been home since. He finally admitted to getting high one time but I know he still isn't being completly honest (this time as far as I know he is just getting high). He has always had issues with binge drinking but now we are also dealing with pot smoking on top of that. What do I do? I am a SHM to 2 small girls. I've never been in any kind of relationship where someone has an issue with any kind of substance. I'm just at a loss. The binge drinking has gotten progressivly worse during our 13 year marriage and then almost 3 years ago he started with the pot. There also have been times in the past few years where he has been physically abusive to me in front of my girls. We have seperated for short durations in the past 3 years but (with the exception of the time he drove drunk with our daughters in the car) I always seem to break down and ask him to come home and beleive his lies. I can't do this anymore. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So here is my question... should I seperate from him to try and force him to hit rock bottom but prepare myself to leave in case he doesn't? Any thoughts on this? I am so confused and I just don't know what to do.
You can start by checking out an alanon meeting in your area. Once there you will hear stories from others who have been in your spot - or close to it. None of us can tell you what to do - only what we did and how it worked out. Of course the general consensus on domestic violence is zero tolerance and for that you can look into counseling and support for women who are victims of domestic violence. I would encourage that. Once you get to alanon meetings and start talking to others there, the picture will become clearer to you. These life decisions are not easy and they are done best with the kind of support and spiritual focus that alanon can offer.
Wishing you peace and offering prayers for you serenity,
There are many people here who have lived (are are living) the same kind of circumstances....please know that you are not alone in this path.
No one can tell YOU what's right for you...the trick is to take it a step at a time, and sort out what you need -- and kudos to you for being the momma lion! Your kids need a healthy momma. (girls are such a blessing...)
Read all the alanon literature you can get your hands on -- Toby Rice Drews -- Getting them sober is a good one!...also I picked up melodie beatties books on codependence at a second-hand book store..technically not alanon, but very helpful..Past posts on these boards are pretty helpful too. The rule is...take what works for you and leave the rest.
Lots of alanon slogans can help you..."one day at a time"...helped me alot. You don't have to figure out your whole life RIGHT NOW. What are you going to do in the next hour? Try to focus on doing the next right thing to keep you and the girls safe and healthy. Try to get to a face to face meeting (many have babysitting)...
Step one..you are powerless over him and his disease. You CAN take care of you and those precious girls. Serenity prayer really applies...use it if it works for you.
Keep coming back...the people here have been a great source of help to me.
i broke down and took the now ex A back so many times. I don't think that is exceptionally abnormal behavior. Al anon can teach you a lot of tools, detachment, taking care of yourself, not arguing, and more.
I think its worth giving al anona shot. I felt absolutely at the end of my tether for years.
i can't say my life is all sunny and wonderful now without the ex A what I would say it is bearable. I felt absolutely overwhelmed day in day out for most of the time I was in a relationship with the now Ex A. I also felt absolutely out of control.
I never knew what was going to happen next. I also absolutely abhored the lies. The ex A was indeed also abusive, violent and really often suicidal and that is pretty oppressive t live with.
You can get help. Give al anon a shot. Give the suggestions a shot. Reach out, go to a meeting (there are meetings here) make friends, get a sponsor. Read the book Getting them Sober.
I resisted al anon for years. I hated the idea of not being in control. The irony is that I never was.
Hi I will just back up what others have said. I too came here asing if I should leave or not.
You mentioned that should you force him to rock bottom (or words to that effect)
Have you ever been able to force him to do anything? If we had that power, would we not 'force' them to give up??? We can't.. we can try.. but it woudl be more constructive to put a big sign on the wall with a target "hit head here" for us to do each time we try.
Whatever you do, you do for you and your kids. He will do whatever he will do.
I am here because my husband is addicted to pot and he drinks alcohol. Currently he isn't smoking, but I have no expectations about what the means, because he has never expressed the desire to give up forever... he just isn't smoking right now.
Here, you will get choices. I came here with the black and white view of "leave or stay" which is it???? While here, I have learned there is other options.
I have learned boundaries (I no longer have domestic violence but did in past relationships), and I have learned to look after ME first. He has actually listened and respected that. That took time, but I feel so much stronger for being here.
Domestic Violence is NEVER ok. Have an escape plan ready.
Welcome, and I hope you get some serenity from the people here, I know I did... best thing I would recommend... keep a very open mind.
Welcome Kelly, I'm glad you found us ;) You are not alone, and you are in the right place. As others have shared above SAFETY is always first, Abuse of any kind in never ok. I have been in a similar situation ,married to an alcoholic and raising ,at the time, 3 small children. I found alanon and learned quickly to put the focus on myself and my kids and eventually, in my higher powers time, I found the courage to leave,safely. I know for me getting o live alanon meetings was the biggest stepping stone on my own recovery process. It was and is a safe haven for me to share my experience and to listen to others who have been there and through their sharing it helped me sort my own stuff out. I love the concept that alanon does not offer advice as each situation is different. No one judges me in these forums and I learned how to be honest with myself. I lived in denial for many years that what was happening in our home was "normal". With my self honesty the denial lifted and it enabled me to see what was, and what my part was. I have heard it said many times over in meetings "if you can see it (anything in myself" I can change it... That was 10 years ago and today I'm ok...though my kids have their own issues today, and will continue as life will keep happening, but I am better equipped to handle things in a more healthy way than ever before, thanks to this program. There is hope ,and things will get better..as long as I take care of me ,by getting to meetings and sharing with other safe program folks, I keep doing the next best thing I know and have learned to do. I often say that this program saved my life ,and I believe that whole heartedly
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"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."
dunno what happened to the rest of my prior post!!! Anyway keep coming back, I admire your honesty and courage to share your story. Thats huge!! hugs~ Carla
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"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."
Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I've decided to leave for a few months with my daughters and get away from the entire situation. I need to re-focus and I just don't feel I can do that in this house.
