The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As the title of this post states, this is just an idea that I had. I have not said anything to anyone about it especially my ex the a. He has stated to me that he does want to stop drinking, and he does want to work on getting back together, but is opposed to going to AA. What I was wondering was would it be a real stupid move on my part to suggest that we go to counseling as a couple and work on our problems together? Maybe it would open the door for him to get stuff out which is what he has always had a very difficult time doing and at the same time we could work out some of our own issues that we have together as well as individual issues. I have no plans what so ever to stop going to my individual counseling that I do weekly and would not go with him to the same counselor or even to the same place. I still have to work on me for me. Anyway, this was just a thought and if anybody has any suggestions please let me know. Thanks
I read your post and my immediate thought was that you are trying to fix him. You have taken the responsibility of fixing yourself, but he is not willing to do anything about himself. He can't admit he has a problem, so in my opinion it would be a futile effort. I can understand your desperation of trying to make something work, but haven't you tried too much already???? I've been down this road before and it does not work unless someone is willing to look at themselves. You can be his friend, but you cannot cure him. Let God/HP take care of him. Keep your boundaries and take care of yourself only. This is only my suggestion.
The only counselor I'd go see with my A is one who specializes in addictions.
My wifes therapist deals with addictions. He gets it. While he hasn't 'told' her she has a problem, he tells her point blank, if you can stop at any time, why don't you? Take alcohol off the table so you can stop arguing about that and start dealing with the underlying issues.
He told her that as long as she is drinking we will come back to the bottle as a major problem in our discussions. Now I know better because I know there is dry drunk and underlying issues but I see where he is going.
My therapist who I went to spedifically to deal w/ my A is an addiction specialist and family counselor as well. He won't even see us together as he believes it serves no point while she is active.
My daughters therapist is giving me crap about taking my A off the checking account and telling us we need to get along for the sake of the kids. My daughters psychiatrist who referred us said she is very aware of addiction issues in the home as they are very common in this family crisises. She did tell my wife to abstain but told my wife and me that cutting her off the account was grounds for divorce, even after I explained that my therapist asked me why I was enabling her by giving her the money and an attorney said I was well within my rights.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
My daughters therapist is giving me crap about taking my A off the checking account and telling us we need to get along for the sake of the kids. My daughters psychiatrist who referred us said she is very aware of addiction issues in the home as they are very common in this family crisises. She did tell my wife to abstain but told my wife and me that cutting her off the account was grounds for divorce, even after I explained that my therapist asked me why I was enabling her by giving her the money and an attorney said I was well within my rights.
********And to that I would say that is why she's a childrens therapist and not an addictions therapist. You are doing the right thing with the checking account. Right for both you and your wife. I agree with your therapist!
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
My husband and I went to Marriage counseling last year. He was actually very opened to the idea when I suggested it. He wanted the therapist to tell us that the problem was all me.
We went for about five weeks. The first 4 where okay. The therapist just asked us a lot of questions and we answered them. He spoke about our early relationship, how we felt about each other, as spouses as parents etc. He then asked about each of our families, and we answered him honestly.
The fourth week, he very subtly told my husband that he is an alcoholic, and that his parents enabled him way too much and stifled his growth as a human being. My husband did not get the subtle angle.
The following week he took the gloves off. Told my husband that he was an alcoholic, that he felt he had health issues, (turned out my husband does have liver disease) he saw the puffiness, the yellow eyes, etc. Then he told him that his relationship with his parents was absurd, that he was a grown man not a child. My husband got defenssive and said what about hter, she has anger issues. He answered with you are lucky, she haas put up with you this long. Told him anger was not my problem, but Alanon was a good step, maybe some individual counseling. he told my husband that he should sign himself into a program and stay away from his parents. He told us that until my husband dealt with his drinking and his parents, there was nothing we could do about our marriage.
My husband was never willing to go back. He thought hte counselor was a great guy until he told him the truth.
Whatever you try, is worth a shot, but it did us no good. They only will believe what they want to until they are ready.
Personally I wouldn't go to marriage counseling with my A until he dealt with his drinking problem. There doesn't seem to be much point. I mean we could address issues but he could just go on a binge after the session (mine did). Everything goes down the tubes. I read an example once about a man being in a car accident in which he broke his legs,ribs,and what have you but was also bleeding from his jugular (or something). The doctors could fix the broken bones first but he'd die from the bleeding anyway. To save his life, they'd have to work on stopping bleeding FIRST then deal with the broken bones....jaja
