Whatever an addict admits to, when they are "backed into a corner" (& that means, being confronted, not just feely & openly confessing) they are only telling you a third or a 1/4 of the truth.

They lie to themselves, they lie to get what they want, the lie to "keep you off their back".

You can't force anyone to do anything, ultimatums seem to nvr work.

I do know that I can change my behavior & it will create a "ripple" effect.  I can do something different, it throws the A off guard.  But I cannot 'hope' that any of my actions will bring about any specific reaction in my A.

I focus on me now, I can't even think about the A...  I was so lost, hopeless & depressed, if I wasn't continually having HOPE FOR ME, I wasn't helping myself.  What the A does is none of my business (he's my mom's husband).

I did marry an addict, I was over-involved in his life, as he was in mine.  He isolated me to the point that I didn't even speak to my mother for over a whole year, I had no friends.  I lived for working 50-55 hrs a week - I loathed being at home & the closer I got to home, the more my anxiety grew, cuz I knew I would be walking on egg-shells, sometimes saying "hi" could set him off.  He screamed & yelled at me constantly - I was the cause of all of his suffering & he blamed me for everything that happened to him, just cuz I was conveintently in his space  I loved him desperately.

There was NO way in hell he would "let" me walk away from him - I did it behind his back on vacation - i left with nothing.  He kept everything of mine I ever owned, I left my home, friends (albeit estranged) & the career & co-workers that had become like a family to me.  I was a colorist & did hair for 16 years.

I left him 6 years ago...  he sd after 6 months he would forget all about me, every 8 months or so, I still get packages in the mail, "feelers" my therapist cd it, so he can still know where I am (well, my parent's address).  I have recently considered going deeper underground - my phone bill is in an incorrect spelling of my name but I'm thinking of getting a postbox & changing my name...  as I understand it, this leaves a paper trail, I might have to change my name 5 times but I really don't care - i got away with my life & he threatened to kill my entire family if he ever thought I told anyone about him. 

Boy, he would be mad to see my story in print...  i keep thinking I ought to write a book, maybe someday.  Right now I am still just getting over, having federal agents call me (3 wks ago) telling me he is being investigated for crimminally prescription fraud - I personally never want to see him again & hope he never comes bleow the Mason Dixon line.  Besides rednecks & Texans don't take kindly to women being mis-treated, I have had lots of offers of ppl willing to go hunt him down & kill him for me -- that would NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. 

I know God will have the ultimate revenge...  I feel lighter just having FINALLY forgiven him last month.  Then the FEDS called, way to put me back on edge.  My therapist made a lot of sense about it for me, putting it into persepctive...  all of the unforgiveness I was holding onto, the "hate" was keeping him buffered from the "wrath of God".  My forgiveness freed God to reach him, since my anger was buffering it...  I had NO IDEA it would happen so fast.

I have prayed for him to get "help".  I never wanted him to go to jail...  an institution seems much gentler.  It is not for me to decide.

Addicts end up in jail, dead, institutionalized & a very few get recovery. 

I am still trying to save myself, one day at a time.

love, -K