The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You hear people often post here about their frustrations with the alcoholics in their lives. I am great with dealing with the alcoholic. Some times I think I have that down pat! When a struggle comes up that requires my attention and focus, I thrive...I have come to accept his problems and the things that go along with the disease and they no longer frustrate me, but now I have a new problem. I am no frustrated with MYSELF!
I am frustrated at many past decisions, and my tendency to repeat them. I hate how I analyze a situation almost to death before I am finally made to make the decision, but at the same time I am very sporatic with other things.
I hate how I have unrealistic expectations of myself. For example: I am not the most neat person in the world, in fact one of the messiest, but I expect myself to keep windows clean, closets organized, toilets sparkling, and the laundry un-stained.
I want my carpets clean, floors washed, and TV Screen always dust free. I hate the clutter beside my computer, and even wash the dust from behind the printer!!!
Now, I often accept the fact that I can't do it all, and be a good mom, wife, and friend, but I get really wound up if it is not done. In turn, I become a nasty bear. If I do get it done, and keep up with it, then I am a nasty bear cause I feel like I have too much to do....
So i guess that I am just plain miserable!!!
Will you please share with me how you got over having such high expectations for yourself? I often feel that a clean house, well cooked suppers, organized closets, swept driveways etc are not high expectations, and that I am the failure, not my expectations. I need experience, strength, and hope.
(((aron))) "progress not perfection" and "how important is it" are my mantras most days. i have a lot of the same tendencies you do. i'm learning to let go of them a little at a time...emphasis on little. and to be easy on myself. one of the things i do every day is to write a list of things i did well during the day. and another list of things i am grateful for. helps keep me focused on the positive instead of the negative. the mind cannot think two things at once. if i keep myself focused on what is really important, the rest will take care of itself...and it does, when i let it. hang in there - you're doing better than you think! - Hope.
The problem I have is the internal banter that goes on. I can do a gratitude list to my hearts content, I can't block out the things I should have done.
I can also take it easy on myself, and let things go, but then the guilt that I am not doing a good enough job, and am leading the example of being lazy and useless to my children....Does this ever end???
Ahh the expectations of a neat and tidy house...haha how well I know about that. I walk into my mom's and it always looks nice. Only time I see clutter is when she is rearranging things. Other than that, nice. Then I come home to my house.... toys on floor, dust everywhere, things cluttering up shelves and bookcases and any other flat surface. I finish up all the laundry and start feeling good - then I notice the huge pile of dirty clothes in the kids bathroom - argh, it is never ending!! Mind you, we have 9 people living here and 4 dogs. If the floor isn't vacuumed every day, yup, there's doghair etc on it. We live in the mountains, asphalt or dirt roads, so dust is a constant. So how do I deal with wanting a clean and tidy house? Hmm.. Sometimes not very well hahaha. I'm having to ask myself "How Important is It?" in comparison to other things. Is it more important that the house be "perfect" or that I take time with the family? Is it more important to clean or to do some self-care? I've had to let go of expectations...and then let go again and again. Ongoing process. To look at the whole house at once is too overwhelming. I pick a room or a corner and decide I'm cleaning that today. I break it all down into small manageable chunks so as not to be overwhelmed with the cleaning frenzy craziness. If there is dust somewhere... oh well... hey! Dust is a Country Accent!! My new motto...heehee. My place isn't Homes and Garden, it's Lived In. I just had to change my own attitude/thinking about it. I know one thing at least... when people come over, they're not afraid of messing up anything (ya know what i mean? ya ever walked into a house so clean you're afraid to leave footprints/handprints on anything or afraid to sit down and muss up the couch?) For me it just isn't feasible to expect a perfect house every day. Too many people and animals living in here. If it is vacuumed and picked up, thats doing good. Had to make the decision, would I rather be spending all my time cleaning or would I rather just be comfortable and be able to relax and enjoy life? How Important is It? A clean house isn't gonna prolong my life, but a relaxed stress-free me just might. Huh, I'm gonna have to remember that line. heehee.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
aron, someone at a meeting i went to last night talked about the committee running around in his head, telling him what he needs to do and how he needs to be all the time. he said he can't stop the talk that goes on in his head. but when it gets too crazy he can stop and ask himself if what he is hearing is god's voice or his own. usually he can tell the difference. when the negative stuff going on is not god's will for him, he asks god to help him with it, and he feels better. sounded simple to me and i decided to try it. it's working for me, too. - Hope.
For me, I keep a clean house because it seems the only thing I can control. When it is messy, I too get down on myself because I think why can't I keep up.
I too can be a bit untidy. But I spend the majority of my time at work picking up after an unorganized and messy boss, literally. I learned years ago when dealing with my professor who was brilliant beyond belief, but totally disorganized, that there is only so much I can do.
I work retail, and now that "the season" is upon us, it's get positively nuts. I decided that I can only do so much. I have two choices, become "superwoman" and go nuts, or just do the best I can and enjoy the season. My house is neat, but not spotless. My desk is cleared, but there are some things that need filing. I should be cleaning, but I've had a really busy day. You have to learn how to cut yourself some slack. Martha Stewart doesn't do all her work! I do the best I can on any given day. If things don't get done, then so be it. Why waste the time and energy saying I didn't get this done. I have others things to do with my time. That includes relaxing and being good to myself. My step-mother use to around the bend, if there was a cup in the sink. The woman was a lunatic. You know what? The house was spotless, but it wasn't warm. People would always comment on how clean the house was. They never said how comfortable and warm it was. I'd rather have a house that looks "lived-in" and warm, rather than spotless. Lower your expectation of yourself a little. Do the best you can, that's all one can ask of oneself. You're doing just fine.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have realized that I am human and very far from perfect. I work full time, have three young ones, and an active "A". What I do, is I keep up the best I can. The kitchen is normally clean, the living room somewhat clean and the kids bedrooms are picked up by them, so I let that go. By Friday the house is not to my expectations, but I know I am one person, I can't do everything. I clean on Saturday, just minor tidy on Sunday, and the rest of the week is touch and go. I ask my young ones to do what is age appropriate for them. I ask my "A" to help, once , and if he does it fine if he doesn't fine and then I don't do it.
You can't do everything.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Aron
