The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I picked my husband up from the IOP after detox yesterday. I brought him back to his parents house.
He came over this morning to help get the little ones off to school and left for the IOP from here. He is talking about Christmas decorations and presents. I told him about the job, but he says he is not ready, he needs to concentrate on his recovery. Okay I accept that to a point. He will be receiving some back unemployment on December 6th. Nothing until then, and since he is woreking a program not help from his parents. I'm ok with that, I don't want there money, but he says the back unemployment is theirs as well, he owes it to them.
He asked if he could come here for Thanksgiving Dinner, then proceded to tell me all kinds of new recipes he wants me to try. I am working, driving a bus for the football game on Turkey Day. I will be making te turkey the night before, and was plannning on keeping it very simple, 2 vegetables, potatoes, turnips, stuffing, and a few pies for desert. It is just the little ones who will be eating here. The bigger kids are eating at their respective boyfriends or girlfriends houses and will be here for Christmas dinner. We will all be at the game together, so I didn't mind.
I am veyr grateful that he is trying, and don't want to be a bi*ch. I haven't told him that I won't get the second job yet, he just got home. I believe he still needs to be responsible for this family financially. I will not kill myslef while Mommy is taking care of him, hoping I pass out or scream uncle. I know he needs to focus on himself, and I know his Mother babying him is not my issue. But when he is being babied and not being concerned about the family and it all falls on me, it becomes my issue. I did not have these children alone, it took two.
I know I sound like a shrew, but I'm tired. I know I cannot destroy his recovery no matter what I do, but I don't want to dump everyhting on him so early in it. I do want to support his decisions. I just do not want to support everything else.
I wnat a quiet and low key Thanksgiving. I was going to use paper plates, and make it very easy with just me and the little guys. I figured we'd eat then watch a movie they will like. If I aks him not to come, he will be offended. He is trying and I still won't budge.
I am not willing to become the sacraficial lamb for his sobriety. I deserve more.
I am hoping he looks into a halfway house, he had mentioned it, but I think financially it will be a problem. He wants to spend time here, and he wants us to come there. I have no problem dating my husband, but I will not go to his parents house. As long as he is there, our contact will be minimal. I will not call him on their phone, I will not bring the kids there. They are not allowed to call for him here. I cannot and will not deal with those people.
He seems to think since he is not drinking, everything between his parents and I will be okay. What he doesn't realize is, nothing can fix that.
Even sober, I will not have him bringing them our children. How do I set down my boundaries while he is early in recovery? How do I approach him about his financial obligations. I do not want to drag him to court right now. But I canot let him have a free ride at my expense.
I feel like I am too demanding, but I don't know what to do. Any input , please.
I need to add to this. I spoke with my Dad. My Dad is an ACOA. My Grandpa was active in AA for 30 years unitl he died. My Dad did a lot of work with getting treatment for employees, while working as a manager for a large corporation until he retired.
I explained my dilemma to heim and asked for advice. He said first of all with my husband not in inpatient but outpatient, going back to work is a necessity. He said it is required to help him help himself. I told him I would not get the second job, and he said no don't, his parents have eleviated him of all responsibility to himself, I should not take his responsibility to his children. He said that is enabling. That he needs to work, and meet his obligations.
I said well, his first priority has to be to his sobriety, and he said yes, but that doesn't count if you are a married man with a bunch of children. He said we all have obligations and commitments. He said, now more than ever, he must meet his financial obligations. That part of taking care of ones self is developing self esteem and feeling like ylou are making some contribution to this world. He said part of the problem with his parents is that they have stripped him of thiose things since childhiod, he must now learn to develope them. He said there is more to sobriety than just not taking a drink. He has to be able to develope as a person.
I told him I was not sure how to present this to him, was I pushing him too early. He said you have no control over the time of year. That life does not stand still becasue he gets sober. He said. His parents are supporting him and I am expected to support his children and that is wrong. He said to tell him he must get a job and help out. That if he does not then I am forced to make it a legal issue. That while I love him and want to support his efforts, there are financial obligations to meet and I have to do what I have to do.
He says to say that his only obligation is to sit and not drink and have his parents care for him and his wife care for all the families obligations and him get to participate in the family when the feeling suits him is sheer insanity. That everyone should have such a deal.
I said would I be kicking him while he is down, and he said, so what. He said the rehab is probably telling him the same thing, but he is not telling me that.
Don't be so hard on yourself! You're not being an uncaring schrew to want some help with things when you're carrying everything. I think you identified several seperate problems, but they all seem to have to do with boundaries.
One of the things that has helped me is a type of answer that provides a Yes-No-Yes. "Yes, I'd love to have you over for Thanksgiving. However, I'm realizing I'm too tired to make Creme Brulee and I'd planned to keep it simple. We'd love to have you join us for a simple dinner" (Obviously this is very rough and would vary according to your actual wants/desires). I've found for me it helps me set my boundaries but it still keeps me connected to the person and lets them know I want to connect. When what I'm saying is what is really true for me, it makes me feel good to say it this way.
Perhaps a similiar Yes-No-Yes would work for broaching the financial issues? For example, I'm thrilled that you've entered treatment. However, I'm really worried and stressed about how I'll handle the financial issues in your absence. Can we sit down and make a plan that works for both of us? If your A isn't open to that type of conversation (or you're worried that he might try to manipulate the situation), I thought your dad gave you the perfect script and perspective. Sounds like your dad is great! We all should be so lucky!
First off...GOOD for you for working your program and good for you to acknowledge and admit your feelings and thoughts in a safe environment. Sounds like you know what you must do-but doing it isn't as easy, is it?
I am not willing to become the sacraficial lamb for his sobriety. I deserve more.
That simple sentence spoke volumes to me. We suffer at the expense of the ism during active times as well as sober times. Just goes to show how our Program is useful ANYTIME we are dealing w/an A.
I said would I be kicking him while he is down, and he said, so what. He said the rehab is probably telling him the same thing, but he is not telling me that.
I can sooooooo relate to that feeling. Like they have enough going on that they don't need any more from us. But it isn't from us, it is a consequence of the ism. When we start taking care of ourselves and our children, often times it can be at the expense of our A's.
Just remember you can't cause him to pick up again. I would give it some time but would speak to him about the money. He should be paying you something each week. I think you should come before his parents. If he really wants to make things right Your(HIS) familly should comes first. Well happy thanksgiven I too am keeping it small this year. Just us not going to anyones house and not having anyone over. Just my kids, husband and me. Time to start some tradtions at my house (No drinking and no fighting). This will be a big change from going to my A's parents for dinner.
After I posted I read the note about you speaking to your Dad. Sounds Like a great guy I'm glad you have him and can talk.It is a gift to have that kind of a relationship with your parents.
I empathize with you - not wanting to 'kick him while he's down'. I don't want to add stress to my husband's already large plate of active recovery. Because of this feeling, I have bended to his desires, his time tables, his needs of household resources (like the car, money, and time) and left un-mentioned issues that are very importatnt to me like money management, my anger and my confused/conflicted feelings.
I have stood my ground on some of those issues, but only briefly. I feel guilty as soon as I start to stand up for myself, and I back down quickly. Even on the silliest of issues.
I think what is important to remember is that my boundaries have been breached for years while my husband drank. I let that happen. Now that he's in recovery, that doesn't meant that those boundaries instantly spring into place and he doesn't cross them anymore. To the contrary, that behavior is learned and practised and ingrained now. To unlearn that behavior, I have to practice being explicit with him about what I will do, and what I won't do, what i feel is appropriate for him to do for me, (not) do for me, and contribute to the household, etc.
It feels really bi*chy because i'm not used to playing by my own rules. But it will be good for me to relearn how to set and hold to boundaries, the things that *I* need to continue in a healthy way.
I hope some of this talks to your situation. You sound very grounded, and that you have support from your dad is wonderful. He sounds wise in his advice. I'd take it. I wish you a happy, chill Thanksgiving.
