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Thank you everyone who responded to my last post about my "a" not quitting marijuana. We went ahead with our weekend at the beach. My boundary was if he was going to smoke it it had to be done when the children were in bed sleeping and away from them and other people. He respected this boundary.... he still smoked but it was dark and outside, where no one was around. I realize now that setting these types of boundaries are hard for me to do. I get very nervous and have an almost sick feeling in my stomach thinking about the conversation and the yelling and screaming that will come after my statement. It usually starts with his rebuttal then a slam of the door. I'm left feeling completely disrespected, unheard, and exhausted. I realized this weekend that I'm not only physically tired but my spirit or my soul is tired.
So, the kids and I enjoyed each other's company as best as we could, whether my "a" had fun I guess he did, he spent his extra overtime on beer and liqueur thinking that this would make me happy. He really doesn't think about me and my happiness, it's mostly revolved around himself.
Then this morning I got a burst of energy and conviction and decided I'm going to work out for a while. I set my timers in the kitchen and actually worked out to an exercise video that I have not touched since before my kids were born. They sat and ate their breakfast in their boosters seats and watched, asking "What you doing mommie", then they joined me jumping around and happy to be moving with me. I thought, all this time I was making the excuse that I couldn't exercise around the kids because they'd get in my way. I realized this morning it was just another excuse I told myself to keep me from doing what I wanted. This morning I felt so good about myself and for the first time in a long time understood that I'm the one that has kept me from living my life, not the "a". If I continue to take care of me and my needs I should not have a reason to feel angry or resentful about not having enough time for myself. I really hope this is the answer to changing my attitude and my defaults of character. Just wanted to share in my revelation. I don't why it took me this long to think it and feel it at the same time. Mentally I can know what I should do, but don't feel a connection with in myself. It's only until this happens do I fully understand the concept.
Have a good nite,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
That is definitely progress!!!! You are on your way to a better life!
I made a special corner in my bedroom for meditation. I also put a lock on my bedroom door and let my children know that unless the house is on fire or there is an emergency I am not to be disturbed. I also let them know that if they would like the same, I could help them make a corner in their bedrooms to do the same. I have learned to lead by example, not by dictating.
Thanks for the reminder twinmom! I'm going to the gym tomorrow!
(((twinmom))) thanks for your post - it really gave me a boost! great to hear you are doing some things for yourself, and that the kids are right there with you (literally). one step at a time, huh? -Hope
Isn't it great when we do things that make us feel better. I to used the kids as a reason to not be able to exercise. SO then I started walking to work after they were dropped off a t day care. perfect for me. I walk to work after i get off the ferry and I have to walk from work to the ferry. By the time I get home, my exercise is done for the day. Then I use that stupid machine on the weekends. It is great to be doing something that makes me feel good.
Keep up the good work.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
