The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We just got back from a weekend at a hotel w/an indoor water park as a family. This had been planned for a long time and a few weeks ago when I told my A. that either he is leaving or I am he asked if he could still come along. I didn't see a reason why he shouldn't.
He hasn't drank for two weeks since that last episode..the night I told him I didn't care what he did anymore. Tuesday is his assessment at 2:30 (his choice).
The weekend went great. We all got along well, there were lots of laughs and good times. It still doesn't change things with me. I want to be apart.
Friday he took the kids to the Christmas of the North parade while I went to support a close friend who spoke at an open AA meeting. This is something that my A. never did in the past.
I see him trying. I see the changes in his attitude. He seems happy and he seems wanting to get back what was lost.
Here's the problem...I'm not. I don't have it in me anymore. I don't trust him...or I should say I don't trust the ism.
I want/need some sobriety under his belt before I even can think about attempting to go to where we were as a married couple.
When I told him I wanted apart.....I meant what I said. A great dinner out, a few meetings that he has attended, and a weekend as a family doesn't change the fact that we have some HUGE issues and a lot of pain, frustration and disappointment to work thru.
This is gonna hurt him like hell. Plan is this next weekend, his sponsor and I will be sitting down and talking to him about the reality of what is going on. God...give me the strength.
I have no doubts, no second thoughts.
I'm making some calls tomorrow about a few possible rental homes in our area in case he won't leave-I will.
I feel like just bawling my eyes out. What I have wanted, asked and at times begged for seems to have come at a time when I'm no longer emotionally available.
If I give in, I'm going against ever fiber of my being. I want to heal. I want to be happy. I want to trust.
This is constantly on my mind...like that big ol' elephant in the middle of the room that people talk about ignoring.
Let go and let God. Let go and let God.
So how do we deal w/taking care of self knowing that decisions we make are gonna hurt someone else? I'm trying really hard NOT to take that on, but it is difficult.
It's hard not to reply w/o me seeming cold and callous toward the a's in our lives. I'm sure you've been through so much pain and hurt my knee jerk reaction is who cares. If you have to do this for your sanity and peace then so be it. Staying there may only make both of you miserable.
Hmmm...that reminds me. Maybe that is part of my problem. I've been miserable for years. Tired of the way I perceive I've been treated and seeing no results. Some of that is on me for giving too much of myself and expecting something in return. Though that makes me wonder, isn't there a bare minimum we can expect? What is that minium? I think it's different for everyone. The trick is that I need to find that for myself and that I need to make sure it fullfills my needs.
I think it sounds like you really are keeping the focus on yourself and your needs and wants in making this decision.
I should only take some of the lesson in your share. LOL
Thanks, Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I keep reminding myself, nothing changes if nothing changes.
My recovery is just as important as his. I'm worth it and so are the kids.
Yesterday's reading in Hope For Today really had me thinking. "How do I respond when the bell of truth rings? Do I face the discomfort so I may embrace the growth?"
Face the truth for me means facing and accepting reality and my feelings. Not hiding my head in the sand or ignoring reality. It is uncomfortable right now, but I know something better waits on the other side which may mean a wonderful relationship w/my husband, a fulfilling life alone or meeting someone else down the road. I dunno..but I do know that whatever it may be, I need to rely on my HP to get me thru this.
You sound like I did about 2 years ago. It's hard, and very sad when we reach the point of emotional bankruptcy. For 16 years I held on...waiting for my AH to make deposits that would be "good enough". Once I finally made the heart wrenching decision that I couldn't...I wouldn't...live that way anymore...THAT'S when he got serious about sobriety. Unfortunately (fortunately?) for me, it was too late. Too much hurt had already come to pass.
We separated, and I have waited for 2 years to see if my feelings would return and/or I would see enough improvement in his character to regain some degree of respect. To no avail.
Please know that your feelings are very, very normal. It's sooooo exhausting to live with this disease. You have every right to want space. Every right to take care of you. The alcoholic has to find two things before marriage/relationship issues can even begin to be addressed.
1. Sobriety - complete and total for at least 6 months (in my opinion, more like a year.)
2. Humility - deep, true and consistent.
Without these two ingredients, life with an alcoholic is very difficult. We can only save ourselves.
Your fears/doubts/guilt are all part of the package. People who find themselves with alcoholics are usually very loving, caring, compassionate people. We think that if we try harder, love deeper, talk more convincingly, etc...; everything will be okay. We do it to the point where it becomes unhealthy for us. Don't allow yourself to feel too guilty for loving yourself enough to practice those tactics ON YOURSELF. You're worth it!
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I too was at that place only 2yrs ago. For me when I was able to seperate myself from the situation I was able to see more clearly. It is easy to be clouded by emotions. THe unknown is scary but what I have learned through alanon and other courses is that life is too short not to be living it to your fullest potential. Also put yourself and your kids first. Why should it always be about the A in our life. My A was so sad and then mad when I moved out and moved on, it has not been easy but I know that I am worth more then he was giving to me and so was the life my kids deserved.
Keep your head in the clouds, that is where GOD lives, be strong, and touch base when you can. Lots of love and healing is being sent your way.
