The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
School will be out in about 1 hour. Then it will be time for me to go home--as I fly down the road, telling myself to go slow my speed will not change anything--but who am I kidding I will still fly like bat--hoping above and beyond all hope to find my a at home.
I wish the end of the day were right this instant, in fact my friend told me she would cover for me I could go ahead and leave, but I told her that wouldn't change anything. That would just put me at my house alone worrying, watching tv, getting sick. She said--well go find him, I responded "and do what"--don't get me wrong I am dying to track him down. I want to know where he is and what he is doing and why his cell phone is off and if he messed up today and if he did what is he going to do now.
OOOHHHH!!!!! I want to scream!!
I want to be calm. I know that if he is out doing what I think/assume he is doing there is nothing I can do about it. I can't stop him! It has nothing to do with me--I just get to deal with the aftermath. I know he loves me, I know he doesn't like getting sick (which is what happens after he uses), I know deep down he wants to quit-he wants to be different.
I want him to be home--even if he did mess up today--I want him home. I'm scared to go home, I'm afaid of what I will find--nobody, or somebody who slipped and doesn't care-is wanting for the time being to be where he is.
Luckily my own kids are gone-they went with their father for the Thanksgiving holidays. I am just so sick.
I am sorry for rambling--I just need someone to listen. I have been praying--still failing to turn it over though!
I want to be calm. I know that if he is out doing what I think/assume he is doing there is nothing I can do about it. I can't stop him! It has nothing to do with me--I just get to deal with the aftermath.
Sometimes it's a long trip from the head to the heart. You can know, you can pray...and it just doesn't seem to work. I think it's a matter of time, effort, and perspective. Sometimes I understand I'm powerless (in my head) but don't quite believe it (in my heart). But I trust if I keep going to meetings, working with my sponsor, reading, talking to people (like here), and perhaps most importantly, reminding myself of the good around me in the midst of chaos (real or imagined...because I can make it out of nothing, too!) I will get to where I need to be. Let his aftermath be his aftermath. Do something good for you today. -Hope
You are me talking. This is exactly what I go through when my A would take off on a binge. I'd get home from work, cook dinner,and if he didn't come home by a certain time, I knew what was up. Another binge. I would start shaking inside, stomach upset, nerves shot, couldn't sit still, the days were long at work because I couldn't get him off my mind. Every time I heard a car I'd jump to see if it was him, I'd wait for the phone to ring and hope it was him even if he was drunk,I'd pace the floor, my neck was stiff, my jaws were clenched and I didn't sleep good,I'd wonder where he was, who he was with and if he was out there having a good time (my imagination would take off!), then I'd try not to do any of those things! Whew! But after going through all that,time and time again, I was dying to know how to make it stop. He sure wasn't stopping what he was doing but I couldn't take it anymore. I piled up related books on the floor by my side of the bed, read people's stories, tried to learn as much as I could. My reactions slowly began to lighten up. At least enough not to go looking for him. I'd try to keep routines around the house for my kids' sake as well as mine. Keep busy! It's easy to say keep busy and take the focus off him but it's hard at first and takes practice (my A gave me many episodes of drunkenness to practice!). I would find the energy to do something simple like go to the library but I'd stiil be thinking about him. It took a while but it started to work. I must say,though, that as much as I learned to "keep busy", the first day or two of finding that he was drinking again does make my stomach upset and I get what you might call jittery. But after that, things fall into place. And I liked being in bed alone for a while.And when my A would finally turn up he was such a wreck there was no way he was out having a good time. He was awful and none of his drinking "friends" even wanted him around.And sometimes he would cry. I used to be angry and disgusted, tell him to get out but one time when he showed up sick, I told him to get in the bed and I'd bring him some water and Tylenol then went off to work. I don't hate him and there was little else I could do for him. He later told me that that was the first time he thought I cared about him and his problem. I guess that was one of the first times I understood for real what they mean when they say when you have to be compassionate. I hope this helps you see that you sure aren't alone in what you're going through and I hope this helps you a little. jaja
