The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was eleven years old, my father was hospitalized. In an effort to protect me, I was told the *other* person in my father's room was very sick, not my father. Eventually I discovered what really happened. My father had suffered a heart attack. I felt devastated that I had not been told the truth. That event taught me that when disaster struck, I was supposed to deny the truth, stuff my feelings, and act as if nothing unusual had happened. Al-Anon is an honest, sharing program. Looking at the part honesty and sharing played in my life opened me to certain realizations. When I'm uncommunicative or dishonest in my interactions, I set myself apart and feel rejected. Conversely, open, truthful communication nurtures feelings of trust and encourages me to participate fully in life.
#####ROSIE....when i was 21 mine had his....noone was trying to hide it....in fact we kids who were still around celebrated and hoped he would have the big one and thus the young pubescent girls within his reach would be safe.....i guess satan didn't want him either cuz he surived it.......no!!! we were lied to about other things.....when mom was too drunk to fulfill her responsibilities we were told to say she was "having a migraine" or another LIE!!! lies abounded in that family......broken promises, actions never matching the words.....i remember SEEING him kick her and split her side open and i said "shes hurt, she needs doctor" and he said "naw, shes ok" so end result, i became unable to , anymore, believe my own reality....in other words, just becuz i SAW it, i was still not *seeing it*....so i had no sense of *what was real* i could see something, and be told i didn't see it.....maybe that is why i don't believe myself when i check my doors and windows....i SEE the things locked, but the inner child who has no sense of believing anything says "no you didn't" i am improving slightly on this *need to prove to myself that yes, i saw me lock the door and yes, it is real, i did lock the door* but it is deeply ingrained......so yeah, next to the abuse, came the BS....... i denied things all over the place......stuffed feelings.....s*** would happen and i just totally denied it....inside and outside of me.....i would WATCH him do something dispicable and flat out deny it to me/ to anyone else..........this program is about total honesty and honesty has been something i SOOO covet.....even in the bs years, i craved honesty....i wanted to believe in ANYthing!!!!! but time after time i was shown i couldn't believe even in me.........this program released me from that....what i saw was true....what i feel is genuine.....little by little my honest *nature* began to come out and not be afraid.....even in the hell hole i would TRY to introduce honesty and i would be punished/ rejected/ scorned/ or flat out contradicted......i felt like the *odd man out*....i didn't feel like i fit........HERE????? this is a *home comming* for me......i CAN be honest.....i CAN be authentic in my feelings.....i CAN convey what i really feel......i CAN tell someone what happened to me and they BELIEVE me......my *natural* way of being honest and open, is comming out like a dam busting, cuz it was always there, just ITCHING to be released......no more bullshit.....no more pretense......no more actions not matching the words........i don't have to live with it ANY MORE!!!!! i can't TELL you all how GOOD that feels for me.......now???? if i even SMELL a liar/ BS'r/actions not matching the words, i don't want anything to do with them on a close basis.....my younger A brother is that way....i can't believe him, he is in the *old life* the life i cut off from me....hes a sweetheart, but totally full of s***.......i can only talk with him for so long and than i gotta "get my hip boots on" and exit the conversation.....i just cannot stand dishonesty.........
However, as I begin to change my old habits, fear of rejection sometimes tempts me to respond in old ways. When this happens, I step back to really hear what I say. Then I can find a more appropriate, honest response. By being more open and honest I can be a part of all that is around me. This allows me to discover the truth in Al-Anon's Fourth Concept of Service, "Participation is the key to harmony." Sharing my feelings openly and honestly may involve facing painful truths. Nonetheless, it is much less harmful than being dishonest or withdrawn. When I respect others enough to allow them to deal with the facts of a situation according to their own needs, I am allowing them to participate in life's experiences, too. Thought for the Day Participating fully in life requires being as open and honest as I can with myself and others. "If I persist in remaining apart . . . I upset my own harmony. I also deny the fellowship a gift that I can offer only by participating." *The Forum*, April 1998, p. 30 ----------
########ROSIE.....you know?? for me, i did't CARE if i got rejected....not when i *broke out of prison* at the hell hole??? yeah, i feard rejection/ AND reprisal....but in the program????? i don't CARE if i get rejected for being honest and real...i tell it like it is, i use, i believe, dignity when telling of my horrific abuse, but yeah, i am the *REAL DEAL*.....and if someone doesn't want me???? ok....it will hurt cuz i still have abandonment issues/ rejection issues, but i would rather be DUMPED being real, than KEPT being a con!!!!!!!........no, give me honesty, i can handle it MUCH better than BS......i love this program cuz of the honesty it REQUIRES!!!! i am at home here......and as a result of my work in this program, i can be open and honest with SAFE people, and i can see my horizons expanding in new and better relationships......even my girlfriends down the hall, here at work, told me "rosie you are SOO honest and righteous, but you wouldn't SHARE with us" rather than lie, i would just refuse to share......i hate lying, but i was scared to share in the beginning too.....so i just clammed up.....but i guarantee all of you reading my stuff on the boards each day.....i NEVER NEVER was dishonest!!!!! that is a trigger to me......lies and bullshit and broken promises.....i actually have to PRAY not to hate people who are like that....i have to pray and give them up so i don't bristle up at them..........i share my feelings, for 2 reasons.....#1...i need to to heal......#2, i am in safe territory in the program.........but i say this!!!! love me or dump me...but you will love/dump someone who was always real!!!!!! i know i am blunt and i cut to the chase....but its NOT bullshit!!!!!! and you know what???? my circle of sig others may be small cuz i am oh so picky whom i give my heart too, but guess what???? that circle of sig others is based on being honest and real and as i recover and take care of me better and love me better , i can love my sig others even better than B4.......instead of *clamming up* like B4 recovery....i share....i listen.....i GIVE a damn!!!!!!! thanks so much....didn't mean to get "on a roll" but this daily stimulated me ....thank you DONE.............ROSIE
