Good morning all of my wonderful MIP family :)

As most everyone knows, I lost my husband a little over 3 weeks ago.  After a period of shock and numbness I have spent about a week in the most unbelievable sadness I have ever felt.  Until now, I didn't think that it was possible for a human being to feel as bad as I've felt in this past week and still live.

That being said, I need to tell you that I woke up feeling pretty good this morning.  My HP whom I choose to call God has given me so much that I've not been paying close enough attention to.  Just yesterday, I told my mom that I would be there for Thanksgiving but that I didn't feel like I had any blessings I wanted to count.  I talked to my sponsor last night and to a couple of good friends and asked for they're prayers.  When I woke up this morning I didn't cry.  Seemed strange at first but I was filled with this peace that I haven't felt up until this point.  I don't by any stretch of the imagination think the bad part has past.  But just for today, I am grateful for the way I feel and for so many other things.  I wanted to share some of these things with all of you.  This is probably going to be a long post and I'll apoligize in advance.  I want to list some of the gifts HP has given me that I am so very greatful for this morning:

• I wondered when Robert died whether or not he REALLY knew how much I loved him.  I wondered what he was thinking the day before he died because we didn't talk much.  (The day before he dies was my dad's bday & my daughter and I had spent the day into the evening at my folk's house)  Music was always a really important part of our lives.  Robert and I used song lyrics in our letters to one another.  Every special memory is in some way connected to a song.  Because we loved (and spent a lot of $$ on lol) music, we used the napster service A LOT.  I discovered not long ago that the Napster program logs the last 200 songs that have been played and I found the list of songs that Robert listened to on his last day.  Love songs every one... our wedding song, the song we first danced to, etc. etc.   These songs were on no set play list.  He had to select and play each song - it was nothing random.  Because of this I KNOW how he felt and who he was thinking of on his last day on this earth.  There's no way he didn't know how much I loved him right back regardless of anything else.
  
• Robert and I had been planning on putting our daughter in private school when finances allowed.  Shortly after his death I found out that her social security benefit exceeds the monthly amount that we need to enroll her in private school by $6.  I spoke to the private school expecting to be told to fill out an application for next year, etc., etc.  The lady I spoke to was so kind when I told her our story.  She said of my daughter "it sounds like this young lady needs to be with people who will love her...can you bring her for a visit on Monday."  She starts in January.  There will be 39 kids in her class.  She is so very excited.  She very openly tells anyone that's asking about school that "My daddy fixed it so I can go to the school I need to be in."  (What a kid I have!)
  
• The day Robert died, so many friends and family came and stayed with me.  It's all kind of a blur and I didn't really realize it until this morning, but I have a special friend from each season of my life.  My first friend from first grade that I've stayed close to since high school, my college roommate, my best friend from my first "real" job.  Each one of them came the first day and have been by my side from that first day.  Not one of them lives within 2 hours of me but they're still as close as a phone call.  My sponsor (who is my special friend from this season of my life) has reminded me not to "let that phone weigh 10lbs".  With this many people who love me there's no reason I have to go through this alone.  I'm so greatful for each and every person that HP has put in my path through this time.
  
• My daughter's wisdom.  It seems to me that I should be giving her the pep talks and reminding her of the good times and holding her up.  She keeps saying the right things to ease my heart at the right time.  This morning we talked about holidays and she reminded me of last Christmas.  Shortly before Christmas, Robert got his lump sum disability payment and there was money for a Christmas like we'd never had.  We were semi-separated at the time but agreed to put all that stuff aside and have a good Christmas as a family.  He and I didn't go shopping together until Christmas Eve.  We had the best time!!! and we spent waaaaaay tooooo much $$.   After we finished shopping we decided there was no way we had time to wrap all the presents we had bought and we went to a gift wrapping service open in the middle of the mall.  While we waited I made a comment about needing a haircut.  Robert took my hand and took me to the salon in the mall, walked up to the counter and said (and I'm not even kidding)  this is my wife, treat her like a queen.  Had my hair colored and cut and it felt so great.  While he waited for me Robert overheard the salon manager telling her employees that they would not be getting their paychecks that day (Christmas Eve) as expected but that she would give each of them a $100 advance.  The girl that was doing my hair excused herself because she was pretty (understandably) upset.  When she finished my hair Robert gave her a $150 tip.  When she tried to refuse he told her, if God didn't want you to have this money, it wouldn't be in my pocket and I wouldn't have come in here today.  My daughter said this morning, that's just how dad was.  There are so many negative things she could have learned from him and this giving loving thing seems to be what she learned "at his knee".  I am eternally thankful for this and for my sweet girl.
  
• Robert had relapsed in the weeks before he died.   He only had a couple of days of true sobriety when he had of all things a heart attack (with all the other things that could have killed him geez)  But the last 2 days were great and spent with us talking and loving each other. I'm thankful for that but in a way, also thankful for the trouble and where it had led me in the weeks before he died.  I'd bought a bed and set up a room for myself because of his drinking.  Sad though that is, when he died, I didn't have to sleep either in the bed we shared or on the couch.
  
• My wonderful friends here.  And YES I'm gonna name some names and I know I will forget some but know that I love you ALL.  For Kis, Mastiff, and CDB and others for showing me how to live with and love an active or recovering A.  "Normal" folks tell us that we should leave, don't put up with that, etc., etc.  Here I have learned the tools I needed to love the man and detach WITH LOVE from the disease.   For David, Megan and others for showing me how to come out on the otherside of a terrible loss.  Even tho your losses weren't the same as mine, you came thru the loss of your marriage to the A stronger than before.  To Jeannie and others whose stories are so much like mine, you've shown me that I don't struggle alone and that our situation is not unique.  I have tools now to get through this time.  Thanks to Al-anon I have such a realationship with my HP!  Wow I don't know how I would do this without Him.
  
• More than anything else, I'm thankful that Robert is so at peace now.  He never has to fight his demons again.  No matter the reason for him going now, I know he's better now than he ever was here in this cold, hard world. 

Ok I think that's enough for now.  Thanks to you all.  Bad days are still ahead I know.  Please bear with me and forgive me for whining when I do :)

Love to all

Txmom (Regina)