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The ESH tonight made me thing of something today where I think of a situation where I really couldn't have handled it as well as (I think) I did.
One of my a's rags was about when would I sleep in the the bed again. I was able to answer the question. Not so much to her satisfaction but to mine. I had some insights because working this you become self aware. It allowed me instead of lashing out, to explain how I felt. I truly felt like I said what I meant, w/o being mean.
I know that one of the things that this brings me back to was the period of heavy drinking years ago. In that period of time, my normally non interested a would come into bed after being over neighbors or wherever drinking, wake me up and expect some and sometimes lots. I felt violated and dirty, like the only time I was good enough was when she was drunk. There were also times where she'd keep me awake or wake me up to give me the usual rash of A crap. And the smell of A in the room.....blach!
Now had I blurted this out, it would have been disasterous. What I calmly (calm is my new pattern) was that, when she started drinking again, that it made me feel very distant again. That it reminds me of bad times. Also I can't stand the smell. She replied "what about the nights that I didn't drink". I explained, listen, I like it here on the couch for now. I know every nite there is where I'll be. I don't have to plan my life and my sleeping habits around your drinking. I know, everynight this is where I'll be. I don't have to toggle back and forth and it's stable.
I was able to express how I felt because I knew for once beyond being hurt or pissed or whatever, how I really felt. I couldn't have expressed it w/o that awareness.
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I can really empathize, bob... my mom told me about the same things, like the smell was such a turn off. I dunno when I was married, my A was a pill abuser... there was nvr alcohol involved.
But it is nice to see you handling things calmly & setting your boundaries in love gently. Way to go!
love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Bob - I havent been sleeping w/A husband for quite a few years now. We have an extra bedroom upstairs next to our sons room. At first it was my husbands snoring, then his leg kicking. But you know those could be fixed. Maybe someday he'll see that his drinking can be fixed and maybe just maybe he'll wife will move back into the bedroom w/him. Ya I miss the cuddling but I really like a good nights sleep better.
I remember a meeting we had on awareness once...and how it was tied into feelings. When we can be aware of feelings, then we can truely accept them..and then detachment follows.
Hello, Bob. I know what you mean. When my husband would binge drink for days, sometimes weeks,the sight of him was disgusting. The smell of booze, the sight and smell of filthy clothes and body - no way was he gonna sleep in our bed! Besides, when he did finally come home, he'd pass out on the couch and stay there a few nights until he was not so sick and and was able to walk steady. It was then that he'd be all remorseful and climb into bed like nothing ever happened. But drinking like that for most of his adult life did something to his being able to perform half the time. By the time he came off a binge I was soooo pissed and caught an attitude for days with him. I would beg, plead for him to stop what he was doing but after a while I'd be so relieved he stopped drinking (for the moment) that I just wanted things to be back to normal. And that's the way it went - til' the next time. Well, now I am through with my own behavior. I have learned so much about the disease from many sources and how it works on its victims. Once I started getting better informed, I'd observe my husband while he was drunk and then coming out of it. You could say I was learning to separate the man from the disease. But I still did not like living with this and only he could take care of it. It was my arguing and crying to him that helped fuel the disease. I have finally been able to approach with love about it after this last binge (he'd been sober for 3 yrs., then relapsed twice this month. It was BAAAAAAAD!). I'm not angry at him. I'm angry at the disease and how it has torn him down. I have told him calmly and nicely that he has to choose between getting help or getting out of the house and that I would respect his choice. I didn't fall for his arguing bait. I maintained my cool because actually that's how I felt - no need to argue,lecture,explain or anything. It does no good and this time his starting to argue with me, get nasty, raise his voice and all that other stuff, got him nowhere. He did not get the desired reaction - he got me telling him how much I loved him and could no longer watch what was happening to him. It has thrown him. He must choose by Sunday. I don't know what he'll do but I'll deal with whichever. And I think you have come a long way!!!! jaja
