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I posted yesterday asking about the affects of withdrawel that marijuana may have on someone. I got some good responses. Well, I got home yesterday and my "a" says, "Well, I won't be drug tested for another 4or5 weeks" So of course this gives him a reason to continue to use. I don't think it really matters what type of substance he uses as long as its something to numb whatever it is he is trying to block out or forget. He explained to me that marijuana relaxes him and helps him to sleep, he says he feels like he is the same person on it than when he drinks; which I have to agree. When he drinks he gets loud, and very hyper. When he drinks it triggers the "party" mode in him and he can go all night until there is no more beer or money left. When he smokes marijuana he gets quiet and subdued, he doesn't talk much. The negative side for me is he isolates himself in the bedroom or watches television, so I feel isolated too; because he does not want to communicate with me. I have learned to just fill my time with other things because if I have an issue or something I need to discuss with him, that is not the time. I ruin his "high" if I confront him on serious issues. I would obviously prefer he would not smoke it or bring it into the home at all. I have expressed this on several occasions, but my request is not honored he just does it anyway. So I gave up trying to enforce my boundaries, what consequences could I set?
His arguement, I only smoke it after the kids have gone to bed. I don't have people come over and smoke with me, I don't have people who sell in the home. I am private and discreet about it. I let this point ride for a long time, and just allowed it. He has even asked me to smoke with him, I used to when I was single or in high school, but I didn't like the way it made me feel. So, I never really used it all the time. He would smoke it everyday if he had the money. I'm also a Social worker working in the child protection field. I have been for eight years now. My whole life's work has been revolved around protecting children and keeping them out of dangerous situations. I feel so inadequate sometimes about doing this type of work, and yet my husband is an "a" and smokes marijuana all the time. His arguement, " I'm not a guy who wakes up every morning and lights a joint or has a beer. I go to work, feed my family, pay my bills, and take care of my children, so what is the harm in me smoking it in the evening to relax myself?" I actually found out a couple of years ago that I was not the only one in the field who's husband smoked marijuana, I was actually suprised to even find out that some young social workers used it too. They seemed fine with it, but I have always had an issue with it.
My fear is, if I allow it then he will feel free to use it anytime of the day. My fear is that he will continue to use it as our kids grow up, I want to enforce a drug free environment, I can't do that if Daddy's smoking pot!!
This weekend we planned a weekend to the beach. We reserved a hotel room right on the water, we haven't had a family weekend like this ever. I am really looking forward to it. Of course his idea of relaxing will be to get "high" after we put the kids to bed. I opposed, I said I really don't want you bringing marijuana to the hotel and using it with our kids right inside sleeping. How do I set this boundary? I know he'll do it no matter what I say. I thought maybe I could let him know in a respectful way that if he wants to use it, he can't roll it inside, and if he smokes it he must be away from the room. Is this realistic? Anyone have any suggestions how I deal with someone who will not respect my feelings on this subject?
Thanks~
Twinmom
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
This is where boundaries come in. You said in the past he never honored your boundaries........well mine never did either until I put forth a huge huge effort to enforce them.
Your suggestion to yourself sounds great. No rolling or smoking it in the room. Now all you need is a consquence. Let's see.....do you have enough money to get you and the kids another room if necessary? Would you be willing to pack the kids up and go home if necessary? Would you be willing to lock him out of the room if necessary?
By not allowing him to smoke in the room, you are giving him no choice but to put himself at more risk if he chooses to get high. He'll have to find another place to do it, and it surely won't be as private as your hotel room. If he's willing to take that risk, then that means he's also willing to pay the consequences if he gets caught. Plus, it won't be as enjoyable to him because he'll be nervous.
I don't blame you for not wanting your kids exposed to any type of drug use. It looks to them as if you and their dad condone it, which will make it all the more easier for them to experiment as they get older. Well, DAD does it! I can hear it now. I have the same fears. Luckily my A agrees with me on this and there are never drugs in our house. But trust me when I tell you, it took a long, looooooonnnnnnnngggggg time to get us to this point.
Let us know what you decide. This is something you do have control over!
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Of course he wants to "use marijuana"..... it is the closest thing to his 'drug of choice' that he is "being allowed" to do....
Your boundaries are for you, not for him.... One boundary may be to simply say "no booze or drugs in the house, or in view of the children"..... You can't really stop him from using, but you CAN have a boundary that states where he can use.... He can go off somewhere and use, if he needs to....
Just my opinion
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I work at a treatment center and so thought you might like to know, the THC in marijuana, adheres to the fatty tissue of the body. A habitual smoker's U/A's can be dirty for up to 3 months after use has stopped.....but remember that like my coke user, I can not control what he does, he will have to suffer the consequences of his actions.
Hi Twinmom- sorry I missed your post yesterday. I know a lot about pot withdrawal--I've been witnessing it off and on over the past few years. My husband has smoked daily since age 13 or so. He is 47 now. He never quit for more than a few days until recent years. His longest quit time has been about 2 months. I do not believe that marijuana is nonaddictive. At least in my husbands situation. He is totally addicted to the daily high. The emotional addiction is enormous (nothing is fun,etc) He has withdrawal symptoms like irritability, sleep problems (insomnia, increased dreaming), sweating, anxiety. He has taken prescription ambien to help with the sleep problem--but he can abuse that as well. My A goes through elaborate rituals when he says "he's quitting for good this time"--flushing the pot, burying the paraphinealia,making me get rid of it, etc. Crazy stuff, and unfortunately not as dramatic as alcohol/cocaine/herion addiction and hard to find support for--in my opinion. best wishes twinmom---I've got a 13y/o and a 9y/o at home and still dealing with this garbage!!! Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I have a hard time setting boundaries too. I told my boyfriend that he could not drink in the house and then he got into his accident and now I don't want him to drink outside of the house. I told him that he can take his time, but he needs to find his own place. I originally set the date for February, but I am afraid of not making it on my own so I told him to take his time. It's strange but I made it without him when I was on unemployment but now that I am working I have more of a fear of him leaving. I think it's the fact that I won't have any way to control him if I enforce those boundaries for myself...Maybe that's why we all have trouble with it. Good luck with it.
My A kept that pot thing going for a while. It was I can smoke pot.....it's not a trigger for me like alcohol as far as wanting to use coke/crack. Well, that's bull. Any drug, is too much. I couldn't stop him but the behaviors continued to deteriorate until he was rationalizing getting high with his drug of choice. It always took about 4-6 months or when I would go out of town. Because he knew I would not tolerate him using and he couldn't get away with it with me home, that was his pathology of use. But pot has always been the beginning of the end for my A. I also work in the field of human services and work with substance abusers everyday....I too understand your feeling of inadequacy doing that kind of work. For years I hid my husband's use. Now, its out in the open and everyone is very supportive. I'm not saying that that kind of disclosure is for everyone, but that you shouldn't feel inadequate at your job b/c of your A's use. I try to look at it now as it gives me experience dealing with the subject, although I have to carefully balance myself as not to trnasfer my own feelingsonto the clients.
There are many things that we offer our children while we are raising them. Many of the good things are things that us women plan. Traditions, educations, after school programs etc. Many of the good things are also things that we don't plan: talents, physical features, memories...
Many of the bad things are things that we DON'T plan. Rapes, beatings, accidents...
If I kept worrying about what my husband's pot smoking was going to do to our kids, I would have done more damage than good. I started to regulate the simplest things in his life so that he did not have the time to smoke pot. What was that teaching my kids? Sure, I want a drug free environment... I can control that. No dope in the house. I want a drug free husband, but can I control that? Nope. By looking at the things that I can realistically control, and focus on them, I can let go of the things that I can not control.
Also, by setting a boundary regarding where he can smoke the pot, it gives him the freedom to choose when. Then, HE is making his own decisions. I am no longer responsible for his misery etc.
If I decide to start regulating his addiction, we become the two most unhappy people in the world. Then, we would divorce, and he would smoke pot in front of them anyways.
Kids are attracted to their parents, so that means that my kids are probably going to marry addicts as well. I want to teach them that it is not fatal to love an alcoholic. I want to teach them how to be respectful, patient, kind, but also assertive and firm. I want to teach them these things not only for their future relationships, but also for life. Once you learn to accept other's behaviour, and notice that it doesn't always directly affect you, you learn how to adapt that in the work force, school councils etc, and I find that I am much more happy than MANY MANY other women that I encounter in many different places in my life.
That is my experience. Take what you like, and leave the rest. :)
Aron 