The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I went by the house yesterday to pack some things and some of the utilities had been shut off. (they were in my name) My husband was irate! He threatened to "stomp me in the ground", throw my personal belongings in the yard and called me every name he could think of. I found myself trying to explain to him that I couldn't leave the utilities on in my name because of fear of him running the bills up and not paying. I can't believe I was actually trying to reason with an active alcoholic. I feel like he stripped me of any self-esteem I may have had left. It angers me because he acted and actually said that he didn't give a crap about me or love me at all. I try and seperate the man from the disease but it is so hard. You know I want him to be sitting over there suffering the consequences of his actions. I want him to regret what he has done. I want him to realize what he has lost because of drugs and alcohol. Most of all, when he calls crying, I won't to be able to tell him "I'm sorry but I have moved on with my life."
First of all good for you for gathering the courage for yourself. You deserve a healthy, peaceful environment. Living with an active a can be very debilitating - deciding whether you can, or cannot live with that is a major step. 4 weeks ago, I packed my 2 children and car and drove 4 days to seperate myself from my husband. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The ONLY thing that works for me is to keep my eyes lifted up to my HP- and follow his leading step by step. Looking too far in the future is futile - remember, one day at a time. Draw your strength and courage from this site, from your HP- and hopefully from other f2f alanon members. You cannot do this alone - get help, and get yourself healthy. Best wishes to you, I really do know how hard it is to be away.
Angie
ps- I left the bills etc too. It is amazing what they can do when we stop taking care of them.
The 2 posts above mine say what I think also. (((((((((Julie))))))) Major supportive and comforting soft hugs for what you are going through. Vent anytime. I learn from people here and their vents too. I would blow up inside if I weren't able to vent and get things out. My time with divorce may come some day here and what you share is great wisdom for me right now. In alanon we share our experiences and that is how we all learn and grow. I feel so sad for your pain now and the frustration of dealing with the anger at you. Hang in and keep posting for support. cdb
Julie - if it's of any comfort to you, he either is, or will 'suffer the consequences of his actions' - just perhaps not on your timetable, or visible to the outside world around him.... Bottom line, our best path is to get ourselves healthy, and they will either choose to do the same, or they won't....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
good for you on cutting off the utilities. if your not living there its not your responsibility. he will have to learn for himself how to pay for utilities. dont go back on your word. dont let him manipulate you into getting the utilities back on. its not your problem anymore. he needs to feel the consequences of his drinking. you are only taking care of yourself and that is what you need to keep doing. this is your life. only worry about yourself.
__________________
stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Julie...I thought my father loved my mother even when he tried to kill her when she left him. He never loved her because he can't love. He is incapable of love. He only knows how to hate and destroy. Part of his brain is shut down and the only way he could change is to get help for himself. He went to AA and CODA to try and get my mother back but she went and found another alcoholic to take care of. I look at her life and say NO WAY do I ever want to wind up like that. It's very hard because they are so manipulative and tricky. There's a part of you that needs healing and love which you need to heal yourself. Don't EVER give up on yourself! You are worth so much more than what you have now and with time you will see.
I agree that he will suffer the consequenses of his actions. Of course he was angry, you messed up his comfy little world. They don't want to worry about mundane things like utilities, just booze.
Words hurt, even when we seperate the person from the disease, when they lash out, it hurts.
He can't rob you of your self-esteem, unless you let him. Don't.
You are doing what is best for you. Let him worry about himself. If he has to sit in the dark, he can use a flashlight.
I want to thank you all for your post. It helps to know that you have so much support out there and that others have gone thru or are going thru what you are going thru and understand.
Aron