The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, My a came home last night and said he had started using again. I kinda figured he had because you can always tell--you know that definite attitude change. He has been using for a week. I had tried to be calm all last week, even though I could feel that he was probably messing up-I didn't want to accuse him of anything if it was really just a bad week. Of course he said he was sorry and he really wants to stop--he hates how it makes him feel, he doesn't like who he is when he is on the stuff.
I just wanted to scream. Not at him. I know he's just sick. I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
It is so unfair! Of course he said I want you to help me. Don't give me any money. I told him I would do whatever--but I also said in reality it doesn't matter what I do. If you really want the stuff you'll get it somehow--pawning something, selling something.
I just wanted to cry--I didn't (well very much). I tried not to make him feel guilty. I did tell him I/we couldn't afford this. I/we are in debt beyond belief--of course it's all in my name so I'm the one that will have trouble from it. I know I shouldn't have said that, it doesn't really matter! All that matters is trying to get him o.k. again. I get so overwhelmed--even if things start going well again--when will we go through this again. I know we are supposed to focus on one day at a time, but I want a cure!!!!! I hate the thought that he may be trying really hard even for years be doing great and then one stupid thing could happen and we would be back at square one. I just feel so sad for him and our family.
Again in my weak time I ask God (my HP) why can't you take this completely from him? He has tried to do right. He has been going to church, trying to get involved, he had gone to meetings until he slipped--. Why does that awful stuff have to be all around?
I'm sorry I've gone on and on. I'm just hurting and scared right now. He is going to a meeting. He has no money today, he is supposed to talk to his sponsor. I just have to let it go and work and do my job the best I can--for today.
I want to start off by saying I understand some of the things your going throug. My husband I believe does some drugs but he wouldn't admit. Because some times they way he acts is too much to handle and he doesn't have any boozes on his breath so it makes you wonder. It is very hard to deal with. Yur right controling his money isn't going to stop him. He will find other ways to do it. That is something that is very hard to deal with.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
First of all, I would like to say how great you are doing! Way to work your program. Go back and read what you wrote tomorrow and another day and you will find all the alanon tools you have been using :) Yes, they are hard like trying to remain calm etc. but it works if we work it. I still will stomp on the disease and I hate it! I once tried to bargain with God to take it away from my daughter and I would do anything, even give God my life. Then, I realized that doesn't work :( Only they can save themselves. When we change things around us change. We don't know the outcome, only HP does. But for now, take care of you, do the things you have been, go to f2f meetings and keep turning it over. The above posts said what I wanted to say too. So much wisdom and ESH at this site. ((((((((((((hudsond))))))))))) Will be saying prayers for you. cdb
I am sorry that you have to watch the person you care about hurt.....I hate watching my A go through the cycles...I did see in your post something I have been doing myself until last week...you said
"Again in my weak time I ask God (my HP) why can't you take this completely from him?"
Last week I started asking my HP to HEAL MY A. I have decided not to use the word "why" as much as I use to.
