Mom/Wife who needs advice for alcoholic husband please - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Mom/Wife who needs advice for alcoholic husband please

RC_mom · Newbie

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this board but I am certainly not new to living with an alcoholic. My husband has been drinking for years. His choice of drink is beer. He doesnt drink a tremendous amount but he does drink nearly every day. The weekends are the worst. He has not become physically violent to my kids or myself but he can become verbally abusive if ticked off. Im in despair as I believe Im enabling him with my constant nagging. I know I need to stop, but it is extremely hard.

He has a chosen friend who influences and has become his biggest enabler. I cannot tell him who he can have as friends as he is a grown adult. I have had numerous confrontations with him, but it always the same thing,I dont have a problem. Now, he has begun to drink in secret, or so he believes. He will go out to the garage to clean, or go and wash his truck (its so sparkly now), or go check on the boat, or go to the store (gone for a long time), or go for a ride. He lies about how much he consumes, always telling me its only a couple, when in fact I know its 4-6 at a time. He hides the returnables and tells me theyre not his. Hes the only one who drinks this brand with his friends.

He is what I like to call a very functional alcoholic. He never misses work, never passes out, and can function normally. But, I just cant stand when he drinks because he can get stupid. He gets behind the wheel of a car when drinking and he is always wanting to do things when drinking (casino, shopping, rides, etc). I have been telling him no most of the time because Im embarrassed by how much it stinks on him. My daughter (15) is doing a study in school about this and even went to her teacher to no avail. She is very worried that her dad will die in the next 5 years. He has gained weight, has bad arthritis, and smokes like a chimney. Again, Ive tried on numerous occasions but it is always the same outcome, I dont have a problem.

I have looked for a place to live but there are no available places, plus I dont make the amount of money it would take to support me and my two kids. Im scared, frustrated, and just in need of advice on how to live with him. I am open to any suggestions and need lots of prayer. The kickerhe has a DUI and still continues to drink. He was sentenced to MADD Impact Weekend which he lied on his papers that he quit drinking (I found the paper s and read them while crying my eyes out). He is extremely stubborn. I pray he gets pulled over again and spends time in jail (no jail time for his sentence, ugh). I am at that limit that Im willing to live with him losing his job if it means he might get a wake up call to what he is doing to us.

Please help with any advice you may have. Thank you for listening.

-Renee

danni · Senior Member

I am so sorry you and your children are having to endure this. The answer, for me, was attending Al Anon meetings. It helped me with the anger, confusion, and intense fear. Living with active drinking affects the whole family, and I learned how alcoholism is a family disease. The meetings can really give you (and may Al Ateen for your kids) the support you need and deserve. You are not alone! Welcome, sending you support, and keep coming back!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI RENEE WELCOME TO MIP

I UNDERSTAND THE DIFFICULTY OF LIVING WITH THIS DISEASE . I WOULD ALSO SUGGEST THAT YOU CHECK OUT THE FACE TO FACE MEETING IN YOUR COMMUNITY . MEETINGS CAN BE LOCATED BY GOING TO http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

I WAS URGED TO ATTEND MEETINGS IN ORDER TO BREAK THE ISOLATION AND TO DEVELOP NEW CONSTURCTIVE TOOLS TO LIVE BY. IT WAS STRESSED THAT AFTER 6 MONTHS OF ATTENDING MEETINGS THAT A NEW CLARITY COULD BE ATTAINED AND THE NEXT RIGHT ACTION WOULD BECOME CLEAR. AM GLAD I LISTENED.

MEETINGS DID HELP ME TO LEARN HOW TO: FOCUS ON MYSELF,Live ONE DAY AT A TIME, FIND A HIGHER POWEER AND MOST IMPORTANTLY DEVELOP SUPPORT FROM A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTOOD AS FEW OTHERS CAN

KEEP COMING BACK HERE AND SHARING THE JOURNEY

RC_mom · Newbie

Thank you both for your kindness and suggestions. Unfortunately for me, I have no meetings near my home. They are all about 2-3 hours away. The link hotrod provided also stated they are currently not doing online meetings :(

That's why I decided to join a message board for support as I cannot find any meetings near my home. I will continue to research further. This weekend is going to be rough. I can't even look forward to a nice weekend from working anymore because I know it will involve him being intoxicated two out of the three days(same every weekend). Sorry to vent again, but I can't stop crying now and I can't stop shaking. I know I need to take care of myself. I suffer from degenerative disk, osteoarthritis, IBS, peptic ulcer, and now possibly fibromyalgia. I have so much on my mind that this stupid substance that has become his wife is really killing me more than my ailments.

I hope I can find something soon. I don't even want to wake up in the mornings anymore.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Renee and welcome.. as Betty and others have stated, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I hope your daughter can find some al-ateen support somewhere. I have learned in al-anon that the more I tried to "help" my husband or control him, the worse off he got and the more I let go and focused on my own recovery the better he became.. and the better I become. al-anon is key, it truly works if you work it... please, keep coming back!!!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand your frustration and anger. Please keep coming back and reading here. I have a 13 year old son and have managed to keep most of the pain away from him, but it's only a matter of time before he becomes affected by this all and I know there's nothing I can personally do to stop him from drinking. Take things one day at a time, keep coming back, and ask lots of questions. The people here are so wonderful!

danni · Senior Member

Please don't apologize! We have all reached our breaking points. That's how we got here and were able to begin our recovery. Post here as much as you'd like. That's what we're here for. It will get better. There is a book called Getting Them Sober which I learned about here which offers some practial solutions that seem to incorporate many of the Al Anon ideas for living with alcoholism. Since you don't have a meeting near you, maybe that would be helpful. The Al Anon literature is amazing and very helpful. The newcomer's packet is a great place to start, and I start each day with an Al Anon book called The Courage to Change. Maybe calling Al Anon would be helpful in getting some literature? Just a suggestion. Maybe others who live in remote areas will have some suggestions for you. Keep coming back!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Renee. Sadly your story is very, very common here. So you will get lots of experience, help and hope.

We can learn skills to live with them. Nothing you do makes him drink. It is a disease they are predestined to in their dna.

When I learned it was a disease, I got a totally new outlook. Learned to accept him as is and not react to him at all. If he got where I did not want to be around him, I got busy doing something away from him.

It is much much harder with kids. If you come to meetings here, get literature, search online, your children will follow your lead.

Its no use saying a thing to them about it. It's their disease, their business.

All A's addicts, are functional till they are not. We don't know what will be the point they feel they would rather be in recovery. Some lose their life from the using.

Lots of situations here, the wife is supporting everyone and the husband does nothing. Its not a pretty picture. When the dui's start, things start to follow. Its a pattern A's go thru.

"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew volume one is my favorite book that educated me. Amazon has a ton of them.

The important thing is YOU are important. We tend to get so wrapped up in them we forget our own life, our kids lives.

I lived with mine and I made it that his disease was none of my business. It was totally up to him. I never fought or argued or nagged. Never was a nagger anyway. But learning not to react to his disease freed me.

I lost everything becuz of his disease. He even ruined my credit that was very very good. NO way could I even buy a car now.

Anyway keep coming. This place will feel at home. love,debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned early on that until the A says that what he is doing is causing him a problem , IT ISN'T .. IT IS CAUSING US A PROBLEM . AL-ANON will help with that .. nagging dosent work , tears don't work threats don\t work ultimatums don't work , so save your breath and focus on your own needs .. we have tried to solve a problem that has nothing to do with us ,we are not the reason they drink , I was told I was not powerful enough to make anyone drink or STOP .. Please find meetings for yourself you need support . Louise

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't define him as "a functional" alcoholic. He sounds like a typical alcoholic that is NOT functioning all that well as a father or a husband. What you are dealing with is a classic alcoholic.

Anyhow, all the confusion is best dealt with through ongoing support and guidance in Alanon. I highly recommend going to some meetings and getting active in alanon before any more pondering of major changes. You don't have to pack up and leave today. You can go to a meeting and start living in the solution instead of suffering though. This is going to take a long process of growth in order to find some resolution. All is not lost and you can and will find the peace you want if you continue reaching out.

(edit)- I see as i read back that you are not geographically near meetings which surprises me. Even if you find a few other people who are in your situation and are willing to meet anywhere and go over alanon literature and principles, that is a meeting. Also, there are online meetings here too and I would think you could attend those. I hear you have a lot of other stressors in your life. It takes practice and support to learn to detach from his drinking - It does not mean you stop caring about him, but it does mean you hand the whole problem back to him and stop worrying about it. Whatever is going to happen will happen anyhow.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 4th of February 2012 10:11:18 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome to MIP! I am sending you love and support!

Tired Wife · Newbie

I know how you feel. This is my first time on a chat like this. He came home today and wanted me to go to bed at 4pm. He constantly eggs me on. I am so angry all the time. Like you I hate weekends. He sits in the bar everyday all day though. Has not worked in almost a year. My health is deteiorating because of him. I don't know what to do anymore.

angel_eyez189 · Newbie

Hello. My name is Nancy and I am 28 years old. My husband is a complete alcoholic. He is 44 years old and drinks till he sleeps. I live in Lebanon. A third world country. My husband beats me physically and verbally. I have thought many times to leave but i have a 2 year old son. I dont know what to do if i left. Yet i am in so much pain. Yet what drives.me crazy is when he is sober he is the sweetest man in the world. But when drunk i dont know who he becomes

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Nancyl you are not alone Alcoholism is a dreadful progressive disease over which we are powerless.

I am sorry to read that you are being physically abused and would like to suggest that you search out a medically supported woman's outreach facility for assistance.

Alanon and this web site have been established to help family members who live with the insanity of the disease. We suggest that family members focus on themselves, attempt to live one day at a time, accept that we are dealing with a powerful disease and need support from others.

Hereis a lonk to a few helpful slogans that we use in order to remember to take care of ourselves

alanon.activeboard.com/t55852150/sticky-alanon-slogans-in-poem/

We also hold on line meetings here 2xs a day here is the web address

-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat Room

Meetings

9 PM EST 7 nights a week

www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
Please keep coming back

mamakat71 · Veteran Member

I am so sorry for your pain. Please be safe. Praying for you and your son.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Nancy,

That sounds like a very difficult situation and I agree, the switches in personality are crazy making too.

When my AH is abusive I go and find something marvellous to do for myself - a small holiday, day in a spa, walk in a beautiful place, anything that has the power to restore my well being. Eventually I ended up having such a good time of it that he chose to stop the abuse - I guess it wasn't working for him anymore!!

Abusive behaviour is unhealthy for all of you (in my humble opinion) but I'm sure that you have already discovered that it is a difficult thing to discuss with your partner. You are not alone, even in Lebanon, and I wonder if you have any thoughts of who you can reach out to for practical help locally. You do have choices and talking them through can help you to find the choice that is right for you.

I'm so pleased you have found us. Stay safe and welcome to MIP

and ((((((hugs)))))))

Maresie25 · Senior Member

Al anon can be enormously helpful to you. If you cannot make face to face meetings there are meetings here. There is also a chat room which can be a place of respite for you.

I know it is tremendously difficult to live with the dread of what another person is doing.

Alcoholics can be extremely difficult to live around.

Denial is part of the disease and is critical to the line between heavy drinker and alcoholic. An alcoholic continues to drink even when there are severe repercussions to their drinking. A DUI being one of them.

Sometimes the consequences of drinking is a reason for someone to recover. Sometimes they run out of options. There is no clear method to making an alcoholic stop.

There are tools and techniques that can help you, regardless of what he does. Like any tools, they require practice and they don't seem to work effortlessly right away.

They can be immensely helpful. It is great you are reaching out and being honest about your situation.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.